CHAPTER 1

Why Now?

In the late 1960s I wrote a book entitled Notes to Myself, which was publishedin 1970. I look back on it now as a writing that in some ways transcended itstime but in many ways did not. Certainly we have all learned much since thosedays of self-examination, self-fulfillment, self-expression, and numerous otherfocuses on the individual or separate self. It was a time when even the word"selfishness" went from a negative to a positive. As a society, we still arecleaning up many loose ends from that period. In the groups my wife Gayle and Irun for couples and parents, we continue to see individuals tenaciously holdingon to myths such as "You have to give to yourself before you will have anythingto give to others" and "You can't make someone else happy; you can only makeyourself happy" and maybe the saddest of all: "As parents we have to reclaim ourrights; we are not our children's servants." Ironically, it is now two thousandyears since Jesus said, "Who is greater, the one at the table or the one whoserves? Surely, the one at the table. Yet here I am among you as one whoserves."

To some extent, Notes to Myself suffered from this type of preoccupation withthe unconnected or unserving self. It was based on the premise that we learnabout ourselves by studying our private feelings, patterns, thoughts, "dreams,"reactions to others, and so forth. I believed that by becoming more aware Icould improve myself, the way I approached other people, and my life in general.My assumption was not so much wrong as it was incomplete. Certainly it's a goodthing to look in our hearts and see what we believe. We all have layers offeelings that become more loving and unifying the deeper we go into them. But atthe time, I still was thinking that I was made equally of love and fear, drivenequally by the desire to heal and the desire to hurt. I saw the distinction, butI identified with both. This makes for a very slow journey. Today I see moreclearly the great gulf between the little self or "ego" and the united or"deeper self."

The 1970s marked the emergence of a general preoccupation with ego enhancement.We had sensitivity groups, consciousness-raising groups, encounter groups, andthe beginnings of a tide of books and speakers urging us to love ourselves and"honor" our feelings. Although this movement did much good, its prominentfeature was the ideal that, above all, we should define our ego's needs anddevote ourselves to meeting them. Indeed, our ego's needs should not operateunconsciously, but when meeting them is our primary focus in life, we becomepreoccupied with all we haven't been getting and must get now. This attitude isquite separating and not at all as "empowering" as it is commonly believed tobe.

Within us is a source of power that is far greater than our separate feelings,separate opinions, and separate agendas: our unity with other people. A selfishperson is like a single power line attached to nothing. Making the line fatterand longer is impressive but accomplishes nothing. If we devote ourselves to ourprivate differences, we journey down a dead-end road toward loneliness and loss.Far too many people today are ending their lives with a list of petty victoriesand meaningless gratifications that no one cares about—because they themselvescared about no one. And yet, entreaties to our oneness are distrusted anddisbelieved. To much of the world, they are at best a joke; at worst, dangerousrantings.

The thing I lacked most when I wrote Notes to Myself was the experience of whatconnects us. I gave lip service to the concept of oneness, but it was still merephilosophy, just one idea among many. In another early book I posed the questionof whether there is another way to go through life "besides being pulled throughit kicking and screaming." When I wrote that I was still in love with thequestion. Now I am in love with the answer.

But please understand, the answer does not lie in having to embrace Judaism,Buddhism, fundamentalism, Catholicism, or any other ism. Nor does it lie in merebelief in God. Believing is of limited use. Sacred scriptures and inspiredwritings can point the way, but finally you have to walk where they arepointing. This you can do with the aid of a system or by listening to thestillness within you. Either way is fine, but ultimately you must stop searchingand simply do it.

There is a way to have a growing fulfillment, a deepening peace, and anunreasonable happiness free of circumstances and events. It lies in recognizingour oneness with all living things. To me God is what binds us together. This isanother way of saying God is Love. We simply are not separate. We do not havelittle private thoughts that affect no one but ourselves. All of that is anillusion, albeit a powerful one. Yet it will remain the hard fact of life untilwe feel, experience, and immerse ourselves in the stream that runs through usall.

There is no evidence outside of us that this eternal, unchangeable streamexists. Yet we only seem to turn to this one thing our eyes can't see or judgewhen we have grown tired of the world's usual patterns and of our own smallthoughts. I write this book because I assume that you, like me, now feel ayearning for a simpler life and for relationships that last. There isunquestionably a way for you to have the life you long for. I now know thisbeyond any doubt.

Clearly an ego is not all we are. Nor is the ego's puny range of experience allwe believe in. Most individuals have had at least a moment when they felt joinedwith something greater than themselves. Perhaps they felt swept up in thestrains of extraordinary music, or felt utter stillness before the magnificenceof nature. Perhaps they experienced an instant of perfect love for a child or ananimal and the joy they felt was beyond human description. Perhaps they sensedthe existence of an order or a perfection and suddenly they knew that itincluded everything and everyone. Maybe there was no outward evidence of thisperfection or order, but they had a deep knowing nonetheless. Others have feltthe touch of God's peace at the very moment of tragedy or loss. Here theevidence before their eyes refuted what they felt, but somehow they sensed theunshakable grounds for that peace.

As the old hymn says, "My God is real ... 'cause I can feel ... Him in my soul."That experience is undeniable. It is more powerful and intimate than anything inthe world. Just one instant of the knowledge of God destroys even the laws ofphysics. It brushes aside time and space. It brushes aside death. For within thepeace of God we can feel the presence of a loved one who may be continents away,or that someone who has died and no longer "exists" in the world in anymeaningful sense is now with us, a living presence we cannot lose.

However, you don't need an overwhelming spiritual experience to begin. Signs andwonders are nice but not required. In order to start, you don't even need tohave your questions answered. All you need is the intent to start. In a sense,this book is the field notes of how one person began his journey. These are thethings I have said to myself and to others when I was not qualifying mysentences or trying to sugarcoat the...