WHAT'S HAPPENING TO US?

"It's been three weeks since I found out. In some ways, it feels like it just happened, and at the same time it feels like this is going on forever. I've cried all the tears that I can cry, but then I find myself closing the door at work because I'm about to break down again. I lie in bed alone at night unable to sleep although I'm exhausted; in my mind I see my husband with her, and I think I'm going to throw up. I know I'm jumpy and irritable, and the kids must think I've turned into a monster. I can't concentrate, and I'm forgetting things at home and at work. We talk, we avoid each other—it doesn't matter. Nothing's working. One minute I want to kick him out of the house for what he's done; the next moment I want him to hold me and make it go away. I don't trust him about anything anymore—I even started checking his cell phone bills and his e-mails to see if he's contacting her again. This isn't the man I married. I've lost my sense of security; nothing fits together anymore."

What's Going On with Me?

If you've just learned that your partner has had an affair, you're struggling with one of the most traumatic experiences a person can face. (If you're the person who had the affair, you're also struggling, and we'll talk about that later in the chapter.) There are all kinds of traumatic events—from floods or plane crashes to infidelity. Any of these can be overwhelming. But natural disasters and mechanical failure are unintentional and typically unavoidable. A partner's affair results from deliberate decisions by your partner —the one person who's supposed to love and care for you, protect you from the rest of the world, and treat you with respect, dignity, and honesty. For many people, few betrayals can be more hurtful and disruptive.

Understanding the impact of traumatic events and how most people recover from them can help you develop a larger picture of what's happening to you and your partner and what's likely to happen to you both in the future. So, first, what is a traumatic event?

* A trauma is a major negative event or set of events that destroys important assumptions or fundamental beliefs about the world or specific people—in this case, your partner and your relationship.

Traumatic events disrupt all parts of your life—your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

You assumed that your relationship would be safe and that your well-being would be uppermost in your partner's mind, both when you were together and when you were apart. You trusted that your partner valued you and your relationship. You expected honesty—that no large parts of your partner's life would be hidden from you. Finally, you expected your partner to honor commitments you made to each other—whether stated out loud or just understood. Most likely one of those commitments involved reserving certain behaviors for the two of you—specifically, sexual or intimate behavior and sharing of certain information or feelings. When those commitments are violated, we feel violated ourselves.

Why does the dashing of those assumptions hit us so hard? Because we all rely on certain assumptions to get through the day with minimal effort. When your partner tells you something, you don't want to have to stop and evaluate whether it's the truth. If your partner comes home late, you don't want to wonder whether the meeting really ran late or have to check up on where he or she was. And if you think your partner was unfair about something, you want the freedom to get upset or express your anger without having to worry that you'll be left for someone else. Your assumptions about your partner and your relationship make your life together safe and predictable. When they're shattered, you're thrown off balance, disoriented and unsure of how to get your bearings.

The effects of this trauma take a variety of forms, some of them surprising, in your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Can you identify with any of the common reactions listed in the box on page 12? We'll go into more detail on them in the following pages, because understanding these reactions is critical. (Exercise 1.1 at the end of this chapter can assist you in this.) Your partner's affair doesn't just violate the mutual commitment to reserving sex and romantic love for each other. It calls into question every other assumption about your partner and your relationship: "If you lied about this, what else are you lying about? If you're going to do what you want without regard for me even in this most intimate part of our life, are you just going to do whatever you want in other areas too?"

When important assumptions are violated in one aspect of your relationship, the whole relationship can be thrown out of balance. That's why you might feel the way so many people struggling with a partner's affair feel:

"I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I don't believe anything anymore."

"I've lost my bearings. I'm totally confused and disoriented."

"I don't know my partner anymore. This just isn't the person I thought I married. How could this happen?"

You may start questioning your assumptions about yourself as well:

"How could I be such a fool? I can't trust my own judgment anymore."

"How could I miss seeing it? I think some of my friends were trying to warn me, but I just wouldn't listen."

"Did I fall short as a partner? Did I get so busy and distracted that I didn't see what I was doing? What was wrong with me?"

Research indicates that people are at high risk for developing significant depression and anxiety after experiencing a betrayal such as an affair, just as they would after any significant loss. Affairs bring about many losses—loss of safety and predictability, loss of dreams for your relationship and perhaps for your future, loss of innocence, loss of trust. These are on top of the loss of something special and unique that you two shared exclusively: sex, romance, and your innermost thoughts and feelings.

You might experience a wide range of other negative feelings as well, from anger to anxiety and fear or even guilt. Anger is a common reaction to believing you've been treated unfairly, and affairs feel extremely unfair. Your partner chose to cheat, lie, cover up, and perhaps put you at risk for a sexually transmitted disease....