Taking Charge of Your Children Without a Battle

Katie was an adorable seven-year-old with curly red hair. She and her mother had just returned from spending Sunday at the zoo and then going out to supper at Katie's favorite restaurant. Even though it was late when they got home, Glenda agreed to let Katie play one of her computer games for half an hour before going to bed. It had been an exciting day, and Glenda thought Katie might need time to unwind before falling asleep.

Half an hour later, Glenda bent over to give Katie a kiss and said, "Okay, sweetheart, it's bedtime."

"Mom, please! Can't I play Pokemon just a little longer? I'm not tired, and I don't want to go to bed."

"Honey, I'm sorry, but it's past your bedtime. We've had a long day and tomorrow is a school day," Glenda said patiently. "You know how tired you are in the morning, honey, and if I let you stay up past your bedtime you won't be able to get up and get ready for school." Glenda wasn't one of those parents who told their children to do things "because I said so." She wanted Katie to understand the reasons why things had to be done a certain way.

"I'll get up, I promise!" Katie pleaded.

"Now, Katie, didn't we have a nice time at the zoo today? And didn't you get to have a special Pu Pu Platter at the Chinese restaurant? Now I want you to be a good girl and get ready for bed."

"Oh, please, just a few more minutes. I'm almost done," Katie whined.

"Turn off that computer and get ready for bed!" Glenda snapped. Enough was enough.

"You never let me do anything!" Katie wailed. "It's not fair!"

Now Glenda was mad. "If you're not in bed in five minutes, young lady, you're going to be mighty sorry!"

At this unaccustomed harshness from her mother, Katie burst into tears and ran upstairs to her room.

Glenda resisted the urge to go up after her daughter. She was in no mood to try to smooth things over. Why, after all that she did for her, did Katie have to be so uncooperative? Why did she have to ruin what had been such a nice day?

As she sat there thinking, or rather brooding, Glenda was distracted by the faint sound of sobbing from Katie's bedroom. Guilt stabbed her. Maybe she could have found a better way to handle this. Wasn't there some way for a mother who loved her child as much as she loved Katie to avoid sending a seven-year-old to bed in tears?

Fifteen minutes later when Glenda went in to check on her, Katie lay still, pretending to be asleep. "Goodnight," whispered Glenda. No response. She bent down to give Katie a kiss on the forehead and felt her stiffen.

When she heard her mother's footsteps going back down the stairs, Katie fought the urge to call out "Mommy, come back." Her feelings were a jumble of anger and grief. Why couldn't her mother have let her have just five more minutes to finish playing Pokemon? On the other hand, she hated it when she did something that made her mother mad. Would your mother stop loving you if you were bad enough?

* * *

Martin, who was fifteen, had always been a responsible child, and so his parents had given him a great deal of freedom. He'd been allowed to take the bus downtown by himself from the time he was ten, and by thirteen he was earning money after school by baby-sitting and mowing lawns. So it came as a shock when he told his father that he and his friends were off to see a Pamela Anderson movie and his father said, "Isn't that an R-rated movie? I'm sorry, but you're going to have to find some other movie to go to."

Martin couldn't believe what he was hearing. It seemed absurd for his father to forbid him to see such a perfectly harmless movie. It wasn't as if he was planning to see a porno film.

"Oh, come on, Dad, all my friends are going."

"I don't care what your friends do," Martin's father said. "If their parents allow them to see R-rated movies without supervision, that's their business."

Martin doubted that his friends ever told their parents what movies they were actually going to see. But he didn't say that. Instead, he tried to convince his father. "What's the difference between seeing a movie with you and seeing it with my friends? It's still the same movie, isn't it?"

"That's not the point. I don't want you sneaking into movies and lying about your age."

"Who makes up those stupid ratings, anyway? Why should I be able to see movies full of violence but not ones with a little sex? There's worse stuff than that on TV all the time."

"I don't know, and I don't care." Martin's father was tired of his son's tendency to argue about everything. "You're not going, and that's final!"

"Oh, all right," Martin grumbled and went upstairs to his room.

As far as Martin's father was concerned that was the end of it. He never doubted that his son, who'd never given him any cause to worry, would respect his decision on this matter.

Up in his room, Martin couldn't believe that his father could be so unreasonable. Having been allowed so much latitude when he was younger, he wasn't about to let his father now, at his age, dictate how he spent his time with his friends.

* * *

What Katie and Martin demonstrate, each in their own way, is what happens when children argue with their parents. Sooner or later most parents are going to end up having the last word. But that doesn't mean that anybody ends up feeling very good about it afterwards.

According to her mother, Katie was "very strong-willed." That's one of the things parents say about argumentative children. Or at least that's what they say when they're in a good mood. When they're a little less guarded, parents say things like:

"She always wants everything her own way."

"He always thinks he's right."

"She knows everything!"

In fact, complaints about children's arguing rank right up there as one of the chief aggravations of parenthood. If only they'd do what we ask, at least once in a while, life would be a lot easier.

"Why do I always have to ...?"

"You never let me do anything!"

"Please, please, please!"

"It's not my turn!"

Do these protests sound familiar? If so, then you know how frustrating it can be to have to deal with a child's arguing.

How Bad Is Bad?

Do you ever wonder if your child is more argumentative than most? Maybe all children are argumentative. Maybe your child is more reasonable than most. Maybe not.

When...