What's It All About, Obamistan?

Almost everything has morphed with the changing of the color guard. Sometimes you will feel like a stranger in a strange land. Do you need help navigating the ups and downs of this fresh new terrain? Obamistan! Land without Racism is your user's manual. With this guide in hand, you will discover where to pay the white tax, how to get your reparations check, where to welcome your family as they cross the border, what happened to that crazy racist uncle of yours, and much more. Are you ready? Turn the page and get your Obamistan on!

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Accents

A Testimonial by Su Yin

I swear I am about to cry as I write this. I really thought this day would never, ever come — not in my lifetime, not in the lifetime of the kids I hope to have one day, not in the lifetime of the grandkids I hope to have one day. But today that day finally arrived.

My whole life I have heard people make fun of the way they think Asians and Asian Americans talk. People have been harassing me with "ching chong" for ages in school, offices, and on TV (shout-out to Rosie O'Donnell, Al Roker, and Kathie Lee Gifford).

On top of that, when I told people that I was Taiwanese, people used to act surprised that I was not a plastic doll, since that's the only thing they knew of, that came from Taiwan. Then they would say, "You mean, you're Chinese," as if Taiwan were a gated community in the suburbs of Shanghai. It felt like a miracle when someone actually knew about Taiwan, let alone understood the historical struggle between it and China.

But today ... today I woke up in Obamistan where I will never have to hear "ching chong" again. I will never be told, "You speak such good English!" No one will speak loudly and slowly to me assuming that I am an illiterate, illegal freeloader instead of a summa cum laude graduate of an Ivy League university whose family has been here for generations.

I pinch myself every day wondering if it is real. Even better, my biological clock has gone off permanent snooze. Now that there's one less terrible thing my kids will have to face in this world, I think I might even start a family.

Acting White

For decades people of color were kept outside of mainstream success by the charge, "You are acting white" and the guilt that this phrase imposed. Many held themselves back from academic excellence in an attempt to portray themselves as authentic members of their racial group. Some refused to speak proper English or learn English at all. This made Bill Cosby furious. Brown-skinned boys and girls across the nation hid their country music CDs under their mattresses and behind their Ludacris posters. They joined Internet communities where they used code names to find other people "like them." Young virtuosos of color practiced viola and oboe secretly in their closets, while in public they spewed gangsta rap lyrics and strained their necks carrying oversized boom boxes. Kids who could have been Pulitzer Prize-winning poets and journalists spent their days practicing adding -izzle to the ends of words.

The good news is that in Obamistan white people no longer corner the market on being smart, studious, wealthy, well spoken, or sophisticated. The bad news is ... well, depending on who you are, that might be bad news.

This should be liberating for Bobby Jindal, who seems to have forgotten that he can be a conservative, straight-up nutso Republican and still keep his Indian name. Now that's progress!

Adoption

Toward the end of Old America, there was a growing adoption crisis. So many needy kids were being passed over in favor of trendy and affordable foreign babies. Many children of color in need of homes were left wandering the streets only to be picked up by welfare-seeking foster parents. This prompted international outrage and response. After Bono held a benefit concert titled "Orphan Aid," white Europeans began to adopt Old American children of color in droves. So many Europeans adopted brown Old American babies that Angelina Jolie's brood started to look like the Partridge Family. The streets, foster homes, and adoption agencies in Old America were virtually emptied of children of color in a matter of months. Formerly unwanted Old American children now had posh lives in regal homes in gracious countries full of wine, cheese, art, and music. The kids loved it.

That's what really got the attention of Old Americans, who hated being outdone by Europeans. Of course, the New Americans — Obamistanis — wanted little Malias and Sashas to call their own. How dare the Europeans take what rightfully belongs here at home! Since the formation of Obamistan, cross-racial, in-country adoptions have doubled. It is rumored that it is harder to get on waiting lists for brown-skinned Obamistani babies than the lunch list at Spago. The demand is so great that some Latino and black Obamistani families have started adopting the white children who have been left behind.

African American or Black?

You remember this one. This was a constant conundrum in Old America: what do we call the darkies?

Black is beautiful! Black power! Many Old Americans felt that the word black was a word of pride. Others, tired of being compared to the grim reaper, spam, communists (blacklists), extortion (blackmail), and sins on the souls of Catholics, felt like it was a dirty word tantamount to an insult. In the face of inconsistent messaging by black ... err ... African American people, who couldn't agree on what they wanted to be called, it was absolute mayhem. White people were even heard using black as a noun, similar to an object like a shoe or a profession like a mechanic: "You're a black" or "I love you blacks." People just didn't know what to do with the word. It is a wonder the country elected a black ... African American ... half-black ... biracial ... white-mamma-having-but-still-black-err-African American dude at all.

In Obamistan people know that a wide range of dark-skinned people can have a black experience in this country without having ever set foot on a slave ship. Jamaican English, Barbadian Germans, even some Puerto Ricans have a black experience, though none of them are African American. Obamistanis get the "both and" thing.

Airports

A Testimonial by Pardeep

I am loving Obamistan! It has made airplane travel so much easier. Flying used to be easy for me but then 9/11 and all. Shout-out to all my black friends. I know you didn't have it easy before the whole terrorism thing went down, but since then, all laser eyes have shifted focus from black to brown. In Old America I had to get to airports an extra hour or two early to allow for interrogation time. Every time I flew to Ohio for a family gathering I would get asked, "Where are you really going?" Then my ticket would be flagged for "special search," which could take an unpredictable amount of time depending on how many times I had to rewrap my turban. Then I'd end up being manually scanned by some guy with a baseball-bat-shaped wand because I couldn't take off my kara. They seemed to think it was some kind of weapon. (I don't know how to kill someone with a bracelet, do you?) I don't even want to talk about what they'd do to my beard. A few times I rented a car instead. It was actually faster than flying.

But...