Getting Engaged

"How long is a traditional engagement?"

That depends on the style of your wedding. A more formal wedding, with a large wedding party and guest list, takes longer to plan. Your religious denomination is another factor to consider, as many require a premarital counseling period that can last up to one year. The availability of the reception hall and caterer could influence when you get married. During the peak wedding months of June, July, and August, popular locations might already be reserved two years ahead of time. The date you and your fiancé choose should take into consideration the availability of the reception hall and the caterer to allow you to have the type of wedding that you desire.

"Whom do I tell first?"

You should tell both sets of parents, no matter what your age. If they have never met your fiancé, and you live too far away for a meeting to be practical, at least introduce him by phone. Ideally, your parents and fiancé have already met. If they are unable to meet in person, your parents should then write your fiancé a letter welcoming him to the family.

"What if he insists we tell his family first? I want to tell mine first. We can't be in two places at once unless we each do it alone. Is that the best compromise?"

No. Marriage is all about compromise, but you should tell your parents together unless you are expecting a negative reaction. Traditionally the bride's parents are told first.

"My parents dislike my fiancé, and I'm afraid they will say things that will destroy any hope of a future relationship. Should I still have him there when I tell them?"

If you have a situation where a parent may say something offensive or disagreeable when you tell them the news, it might be better for their child to speak to them alone at first.

"What if I'm closer to someone else? I'm closer to my sister than I am to my mother. Is there any reason I shouldn't tell my sister about the engagement first?"

Traditionally you tell the people who brought you into this world first. Then you tell your siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, close friends, and cousins.

"When do I tell my children?"

Children should be among the first to know. They should definitely know before a former spouse knows. You, the parent, should tell the child, ideally alone, so he or she may raise any fears or concerns out of hearing range of your future spouse.

"What if we are in our late forties? Do we still need to tell our parents first?"

You should tell both sets of parents, no matter what your age.

"Should I tell my former spouse?"

It's considerate to personally inform a former spouse of your plans to remarry.

Ring Etiquette

"Must I have an engagement ring? My mother insists that without one we aren't really engaged."

A wedding ring is considered necessary in a matrimonial service. Many women marry without ever receiving an engagement ring. It's a nice betrothal gift, an outward sign that the couple intends to marry, but nothing more.

"Does it have to be a diamond ring?"

No. A diamond is traditional, but you can choose any precious or semiprecious stone that appeals to you.

"I want to choose my own ring. My fiancé insists that he's supposed to do it and present it to me. Who's right?"

You are. Presenting the ring adds high drama to movies and novels. But in reality, most women wish to choose the ring that they will be wearing every day for the rest of their lives. Many couples go to the jeweler together. If your fiancé is budget conscious, he might visit the jeweler beforehand to discuss his budget, asking that only rings in a predetermined price range be presented for your inspection.

"When may I begin wearing my engagement ring?"

As soon as you become engaged and obtain a ring. The man usually presents the ring to the woman privately.

"Are there circumstances where I might wear it on my right hand?"

Yes. Wearing the engagement ring on the right hand is a tradition of some cultures.

"When do we purchase our wedding rings?"

Rings are usually purchased during the engagement.

"Isn't my fiancé supposed to have a ring?"

No. Traditionally the woman receives a ring as part of the marriage ceremony. Customs for men having a ring vary among generations, cultures, and individuals. Men rarely receive engagement rings. It has become more customary for them to wear a wedding ring, but some still consider it optional. But he is just as married with or without the ring.

"Who pays for the wedding rings?"

The rings are gifts. The bride's rings (engagement and wedding) are purchased by the groom. For double-ring ceremonies, the bride purchases the groom's wedding ring.

"Should the rings be engraved?"

This is a matter of individual choice. If engraving is chosen, it is usually the initials and the wedding date. If you select wider bands, you can include a short, meaningful poetic line.

"What should I do with my engagement ring when I

walk down the aisle to be married?" Most brides move the ring to their right hand, then return it to their left hand (on top of the wedding band) after the ceremony.

Announcing the Engagement

"How do I officially announce our engagement?"

Formally, you announce it through the newspaper, mailed announcements, and an engagement party. Informally, you tell family beginning with both sets of parents.

"What if my divorce isn't final yet? Should I wait until the final decree?"

Yes, you should wait until your final divorce decree. It's just not right to announce your engagement while you are still married to someone else.

"Why should we announce our engagement in the newspapers?"

This is the way you let everyone know about the upcoming happy event. It's the best way to inform your many acquaintances who won't be invited to the various festivities.

"When should we notify the newspaper?"

Newspaper announcements usually appear three to six months before the wedding date. Some newspapers have explicit rules about the time lapse between the two, so check your newspaper's policy by calling the society or features editor.

"Would I still announce my engagement if I'm divorced?"

This is generally a personal decision. If your previous marriage took place just a few years before or if you have several children, you may wish just to inform your friends and family in a more quiet fashion. But...