LAYING THE GROUNDWORK

"Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them."

—Albert Einstein

Webster's Dictionary defines etiquette as "conventional requirements as to proper social behavior." However, "proper social behavior" and divorce are rarely mentioned in the same breath. Some think it is ridiculous to believe that parents who could not get along in a marriage should be able to get along after divorce. Yet research continues to tell us that our children's emotional health depends on their parents' relationship. For that reason alone divorced parents must look for positive ways to talk to each other and resolve conflicts.

What Is Ex-Etiquette?

As explained by Emily Post, proper etiquette is "a code of behavior based on consideration, kindness, and unselfishness." We currently have no ground rules for a code of behavior when it comes to an ex-spouse. When an ex behaves badly, it's understood that the reason is that he is the ex. Poor behavior seems acceptable and is perpetuated by each generation. When it comes to dealing with — or being dealt with by — an ex, rudeness is the norm. According to the National Institutes of Health, about 1.5 million children experience the divorce of their parents each year — ultimately 40 percent of all children. Perhaps it would be less acceptable if we replaced the word ex with parent. Then the impact of the bad behavior might be more easily understood.

The essence of ex-etiquette is simply good behavior after a bad divorce. This chapter introduces the necessary mind-set that will allow divorced parents to interact successfully based on what is really important — the children — and discusses how to take the necessary steps to make well-balanced decisions even in the most stressful situations.

In the Beginning

Newly married Lisa and Mike Johnson had an unanticipated problem when they attempted to raise their kids from previous marriages in their new blended family.

"It's embarrassing for me to admit," said Lisa, "but this is my third marriage. I have one child from my first marriage and two children from my second. I also have a child from this marriage to Mike, and he has two children from his previous marriage. We both share physical custody of the kids, the fifty-fifty split, which means there are a lot of different parents involved in the decision making."

With five marriages between them, Lisa and Mike's organizational problems may seem extreme. However, now that 50 percent of all first marriages end in divorce in the United States, and an even more staggering 60 percent of all second marriages end the same way, more and more parents like Lisa and Mike are looking for creative solutions to raising their kids after divorce. These solutions include reaching out past their normal comfort zone to coordinate efforts with their ex — or their current spouse's ex.

I first met Lisa during a mediation session with her second ex-husband, Jason. She was married to Mike, but she and Jason were finding it impossible to coordinate their parenting efforts, and their youngest child had stopped sleeping through the night. They decided to try mediation instead of going to court to adjust their custody agreement. Lisa confided that her marriage to Mike was also in jeopardy because of the chaos created by the ex-spouses. It put so much pressure on the kids that they, too, were showing signs of stress.

Like so many other divorced parents, Lisa had decided that coordinating parenting with Jason was impossible and she'd begun to plan her life around her "new" family with Mike, no longer considering Jason when making decisions for the kids. Rather than help, this caused additional resentment. The adults quickly realized that something else had to be done, but they were at a loss. They needed tools to help them resolve the conflicts. I suggested Lisa start by waving the white flag.

"Wave the white flag?" asked Lisa. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"Wave the white flag," I repeated. "Ask for help. When you are at a loss and you can't figure out what to do, that's when it's time to ask the other person for his or her suggestions. Stop talking and listen."

Both Lisa and Jason seemed surprised by my suggestion, and Lisa made a face in disgust.

"I'm not asking him for anything. He makes me sick, and so does his new wife."

"Then your children will just have to suffer," I replied, and I began to walk toward my office door to let them out. Lisa didn't budge. She sat there, dumbfounded, realizing for the first time that cooperating wasn't just Jason's problem — it was hers too. That's when we finally got down to work.

Wave the White Flag

In most instances waving the white flag means surrendering to the opposing party, but that is not what I'm suggesting at all. In the world of ex-etiquette, waving the white flag can also mean stop forcing your own agenda and ask for help finding the answers. As a divorce and stepfamily mediator, I am trained to help warring parents manage their own conflicts — to look within themselves for the solutions to end the war. I have found that when divorced couples come up against a brick wall, it is because they are usually behaving in the same manner — holding on for the sake of being right and trying not to lose ground. Waving the white flag says to the other person, "I can't figure this out on my own."

Am I saying to give up your cause? Roll over and play dead? Let that $%#& win? Not at all. I am saying that the responsibility for finding a solution to any problem is shared equally between the opposing parties. The key lies in something Albert Einstein said: "Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them." Answers to problems often lie in the most unconventional places; therefore, if you can't solve the problem by yourself, don't be afraid to look to the opposition for a solution. Granted, this is an unconventional approach. Most people throw up their hands and let the courts decide. When this happens, one person wins, the other loses, and both continue to resent each other for years. I try to remind divorced parents — those who ask for help often get it.

Do I Have to Get Along with My Ex?

If you don't have children, you don't have to interact with your ex after your relationship ends. However, if you do have...