A Question of Character

What does it take to be successful in pro wrestling? One word: character. Not the ability to do the right thing or any of that other hackneyed garbage, but rather the creation of a character that folks want to see. When you think back on wrestling's colorful history, the first thing that comes to mind isn't the matches themselves — it's the characters who made them so much fun to watch.

Perhaps the most important part of a wrestler's persona isn't his in-ring ability or what he says, but rather his name. For example, would "Stone Cold" Steve Austin have become the biggest star in the business had he gone by the moniker Chilly McFreeze (which was, believe it or not, a suggestion from the WWF creative team)? And there are also names that are amazingly worse, names no one could have ever thought made any sense at all. Such as these handles ...

THE 8 STUPIDEST RING NAMES IN WRESTLING HISTORY

8. Test: A lot of people have questioned over the years why Andrew Martin hasn't made a bigger impact in the business. Upon initial glance, he has it all: at a legit six-foot-six and over 250 pounds of solid muscle, he seemed guaranteed to become a huge star. However, things didn't pan out for the big guy, and while injuries certainly played a role in his stunted development, his name certainly didn't help. After all, he was Test. Not The Test, not A Test, just Test. Is that someone you'd fear? That you'd want to cheer for? Here's a real test: can you imagine anyone ever saying, "My favorite wrestler is Test!" That just sounds stupid.

7. Bo Dupp: Here's another name we simply don't get. The story was that Bo was part of a tag team with his "brother" Jack Dupp. Jack Dupp. That we get. It's like "jacked up." It's stupid, but at least it sort of makes sense. But what the hell is Bo Dupp? Is he "bowed up" like an archer? Does he wrap presents in his spare time? We've pondered the mystery of Bo Dupp for years. And while we've yet to figure it out, we have come to this conclusion: if you have to spend that much time just trying to decipher a name, it's not a good sign.

6. Key: Yes, there was a wrestler named Key. No, he was not a locksmith. That would have made sense. Okay, maybe not, but it would have made a hell of a lot more sense than having a drug dealer named Key. Poor Vic Grimes didn't just have a bad name working against him, but a horrible outfit to boot, as he just showed up out of the blue one week dressed all in white. He actually looked less like a drug dealer than an ice-cream man. We've never bought drugs (we'd never do something so illegal or immoral), but if we did, it wouldn't be from a guy named Key who looks like he'd be more comfortable selling us an Eskimo Pie.

5. Dingo Warrior: Okay, we could buy this one if this face-painted wildman was representing Australia (though "dingo" still sounds like a kiss of death for a wrestling name, regardless of origin). Anyway, it wasn't long before the man behind the face paint decided this moniker was not quite what he needed to be considered a major star, and thus dropped the Dingo in favor of Ultimate. He would later decide that he liked the Warrior aspect of the name so much he legally changed his name to Warrior Warrior. If there was a list in this book of wrestling's worst real names — hell, make that the world's worst real names — Warrior Warrior would be at the top.

4. Hugh Morrus: Reader, we ask you to pause for a moment and read that name aloud. Go ahead, do it. We won't laugh at you. Ha! We lied. The wrestler in question was, indeed, named Hugh Morrus. He was the Laughing Man. Would this make you want to buy a ticket? Would it make you want to cheer for this man? Maybe if he was a comedian. Which he wasn't. He was a wrestler, remember? We defy anyone to explain how this could possibly be taken for anything more than a dumb — and, ironically, not particularly humorous — joke. The saddest part is that he actually had an even worse name prior to becoming Hugh ...

3. Man Of Question: When your name is not even a name, but a phrase, you're really screwed. No wonder he went with Hugh Morrus.

2. Henry O. Godwinn: What's so dumb about that, you ask? Well, look at his initials. H-O-G. Hog! See, he was from a family of farmers! Wee doggies, break out the moonshine, Ethyl! We seriously cannot imagine a dumber ring name than that.

1. Phinneas I. Godwinn: Or maybe we can. Sigh.

In addition to having names that don't completely suck, the most successful wrestling personalities have nicknames that kick ass as well. For instance, Bret Hart is The Hitman. Shawn Michaels = Heartbreak Kid. And of course, everyone knows "Your Olympic Hero" is Kurt Angle. Sometimes, though, things just don't pan out, even for the biggest superstars in the industry. Like in the case of ...

THE 7 WRESTLING NICKNAMES THAT SOMEHOW JUST DIDN'T CATCH ON

7. Creepy Little Bastard: You have to feel for poor Jay Reso. While the guy undoubtedly has charisma and wrestling ability out the wazoo, he's been stuck with some pretty bad luck. Following the breakup of his tag team with "brother" Edge, it took him a while to gain traction as a solo act. When he finally did, settling upon a kind of sleazy, smarmy bad-guy persona, it seemed the sky was the limit, with fans ratcheting up their hate. But his run came to a screeching halt when it was decided the fans needed something to chant at him. And thus, Christian, the Creepy Little Bastard, was born. WWE went the whole nine yards, from making T-shirts with the slogan to having announcers mention his new handle approximately every four seconds anytime he was on-screen. On top of that, the top star in the company at the time, Steve Austin, appeared mid-ring and commanded that the fans chant "CLB! CLB!" in his presence. And how did those seat fillers respond? If you guessed, "With utter and complete silence," step right up and claim your prize. When Stone Cold can't make something work, it's probably time to just pack it in.

6: The Bionic Redneck: Speaking of everyone's favorite rattlesnake, Steve Austin was actually blessed with a ton of great nicknames. We are certain Austin must have come up with all of them on his own, since, prior to his rise as Stone Cold, the WWF marketing team ... Well, Chilly McFreeze, remember? This is because they are idiots. Austin, though, he was a clever guy. Not only did he originate Stone Cold, but he also struck gold with the Texas Rattlesnake. Alas, even a guy that crafty is bound to hit the skids every so often, as he did with the handle the Bionic Redneck. What the hell does that even mean? Sure, he had just gotten back from neck surgery, but somehow the words bionic and redneck should never go together, kinda like poison ivy and...