Stand Back! That Egg Is Ready to Blow!

It was Thanksgiving Night, and fans were pouring into the Hartford Civic Arena. Some had driven for hours, trading turkey dinner with Grandma for some slop at a roadside greasy spoon, just to be there. After all, they had been waiting for months for this one. There was no way they would pass up this opportunity.

The event was Survivor Series, one of the four biggest shows the World Wrestling Federation would present all year.

There were fans of the immortal Hulk Hogan, longing to see their hero tangle with the vile Earthquake. Others came to watch Jake Roberts get his hands on "The Model" Rick Martel, who had blinded Jake weeks earlier. And then there were those who came solely to witness the Ultimate Warrior run down the aisle and obliterate every opponent in sight.

While each fan had his or her own favorite wrestler, everyone was excited about one thing. Tonight was the night, finally, that they would get to see what was inside that egg.

Yes, the egg. But this wasn't just any old giant egg. This was a mysterious giant egg. For months the WWF had carted the egg around to every arena it visited, and announcers had hyped that it would hatch on Thanksgiving Night. No one in the audience knew what significance the egg actually had. After all, what the heck did an egg have to do with pro wrestling? Whatever it was, it must have been important, or the WWF wouldn't have spent so much time hyping it. What could be inside that giant egg?

While the promotion was keeping its lips sealed, fans had their own ideas. Maybe it would be a new wrestler making his debut. Perhaps a bodybuilder, signifying the launch of the WWF's new sister company, the World Bodybuilding Federation. Could it be a celebrity of some sort? After all, the promotion had used everyone from Liberace to Bob Uecker to drum up attention in the past.

Whatever it was, there were only two ways those fans would be able to find out: be there live and in person, or cough up the $24.95 to watch it on cable.

Over 10,000 fans showed up in Hartford on that fateful evening, with hundreds of thousands more watching from the comfort of their own homes. Throughout the night, various shots of the egg were shown as the matches took place. Speculation was running rampant. What the hell could it be?

Finally, the moment of truth arrived. Announcers Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy Piper handed the telecast over to "Mean Gene" Okerlund, who was eggside. "This cracks me up," Okerlund lamely joked, as he hyped one last time what might be inside the egg. Could it be a dinosaur? Balloons? Maybe the Playmate of the Month?

Finally, the moment everyone had waited for had arrived.

"Stand back! Stand back! That egg is ready to blow!" Out from the egg it came!

It was ... it was ... a turkey?

A guy dressed up as a turkey?

Fans sat in stunned silence as Okerlund continued a hype job worthy of P.T. Barnum.

"Take a look at him, ladies and gentlemen! He's got feathers, a beak, and a little rooster tail up on top! Look at the feet on this thing!"

The bird hopped down to Okerlund.

It spoke: "Gobbledy gobbledy!!"

Okerlund looked amazed. "What's with the gobbledy?"

"Gobbledy gobbledy!" it replied.

"Gobbledy gobbledy?" Okerlund asked. "Don't tell me you're the Gobbledy Gooker!"

The feathered man nodded excitedly, his Wiffle ball eyes nearly falling off his costumed head.

Suddenly, a rock & roll version of "Turkey in the Straw" began to blare over the loudspeakers. The feathered creature dragged Okerlund to the ring as the TV commentators wondered aloud what was going to happen next. The bird hopped over the top rope and motioned for Mean Gene to follow. Reluctantly, Okerlund entered the ring. A smattering of boos began to emanate from the crowd, but that fact seemed lost on Piper. "The kids are going nuts!" he exclaimed. "They love him!" Meanwhile, a teenager in the crowd flipped the bird the bird.

The Gooker began to flap his arms and shuffle about. He hooked Okerlund's arm and the two performed the world's most bizarre square dance. Gene did the best jig his fiftysomething-year-old body could man-age, as the turkey man started bouncing off the ropes, his journey culminating in a backflip. He motioned for Okerlund to do the same. Gene ran from rope to rope, then fell flat on his face.

The scattered boos grew to a mammoth roar of disapproval as the skit entered its seventh minute.

"They didn't know what to make of him at first, but I think he's won the heart of Hartford!" Piper theorized.

"He sure has!" Monsoon agreed. "Gobbledy Gooker, a big smash here at Survivor Series!"

The boos became deafening as the Gooker left the arena, thousands of voices joining together to let the WWF know how much they hated what they had just seen. For those fans, both in the arena and at home, had just been forced to endure ten minutes of WrestleCrap.

* * *

Professional wrestling is a huge business. According to its fourth-quarter fiscal report, the World Wrestling Federation grossed $456 million in 2001.

As impressive as that amount might be, it is also an important reminder that pro wrestling is a business. Period. It isn't an athletic contest, nor is it about entertaining fans. It is all about one thing, and that's making money. Please keep this in mind as you read this book. Because as hard as it may be to believe, all the events, all the characters, everything presented here actually happened. What's even more unbelievable is that it all happened because someone, for God knows what reason, thought it would make money. Yes, someone, somewhere, actually believed that the Gobbeldy Gooker would make fans at home open up their wallets and head to the arenas.

It isn't my intention to mock those who have portrayed the characters or performed in the skits that I describe in this book. The fact of the matter is, I'm a lifelong wrestling fan, and the last thing I want to do is ridicule the men and women who have been asked to perform some of the ridiculous antics presented to them by the writers. In fact, these wrestlers likely had little say in the matter. Refusal to do as they'd been told would have been rewarded with a trip to the unemployment office.

The people that came up with the ideas, though, are fair game.

And who exactly is that? In wrestling, this person is known as the booker. Sometimes, if more than one person is involved, they are given other titles, such as the creative department or the booking team. It is their duty to create gimmicks, or characters, for the wrestlers. They are also in charge of writing angles, or story lines, that perpetuate rivalries, or feuds, between the wrestlers.

Within the wrestling community, the men and women who slam one another to the mat in the ring aren't called "wrestlers" at all; they're workers. Like your average Joe Sixpack at a construction site, if a guy wrestles hard and is entertaining, he is known as a "good worker." Conversely, a guy who mails it in and puts fans to sleep is known as a "bad worker."

Workers are traditionally defined by their moral alignment. A good guy in wrestling is known as a babyface, or face for short. The bad guy who attacks his opponent before the opening bell and laughs in a manner most vile? That would be the heel. A good face can make the crowd pop, or react positively to his antics in the ring. A good...