New Beginnings

How does it all work? What happens in our hearts and minds to allow us to, or make us, connect so completely to other individuals? And when it happens, why doesn't it stay the same? You fall in love at first sight, and all of a sudden, things are just fine. Then maybe they're okay. Now you're wondering why you ever fell for that person in the first place. Am I right? Everyone's had days like that, maybe weeks or longer. Truth be known, it all comes in a cycle if we allow it to. Love, I mean. You love that person, and then you can't stand to look at him or her, and now you're in love again. Why? Maybe I can answer that. I'm going to try.

If you follow science, you've probably heard a number of theories. Your body emits pheromones that attract a potential partner, or your mind recognizes patterns in another's face that mimic yours. If you believe in souls, you know that there is another person out there who is indeed the other half of your soul, and being with that person would make you complete. If you're the religious sort, you are wandering the earth to find God's match for you. All of this, whatever you believe, is designed to continue the population of the human race. In one way or another, we are meant to keep going and to do that without killing each other, if possible. Oh, you could say that sex with any number of strangers would complete that task, and you'd be right. But I truly believe we are meant to be happy and have pleasant companionship while we make our way through life. Otherwise, it would be a long and lonely road.

Having a mate is something special that a roommate or another family member cannot replicate. It's a fondness or comfort that somehow resolves the emptiness you feel. It may not be apparent when you're doing the dishes or grocery shopping. You might not realize it when you're at work or watching your favorite show. In fact, many of us don't think of it at all as we go about our normal day. But what about when you've had one of those tough days that seems as though the whole world is on your shoulders? What about during a personal crisis or family emergency? What do you really want, deep down? What is it that is going to make the outside world disappear for a little while? A hug. You want to fall into his or her arms and just melt. Now sure, a good friend or family member can give you a hug and some comforting words, even great advice. But is it the same thing? Does it really feel like enough to soothe you? Now, maybe it's the mate that's causing you grief. It happens. Hell, it happens a lot. You might be thinking, He's the last person I want right now. But what is your heart telling you? Are your heart and soul saying, I wish we weren't fighting, because I really need that hug? So are you listening to your head or your heart? And which of those is going to make you the happiest?

Humans are by far the most stubborn beings on the planet! There's no question about it. Animals are forgiving — they don't hold grudges. I've worked with animals all my life, and I can tell you they don't even know how. They might fight over something, walk away, and be done with it. Next thing you know, they're playing like it never happened. Why can't we learn a little something from the animals and just let it go? We stand in the way of our own happiness. We let pride and anger rule our very existence!

When my children were very little, I would sit with them at night as they were going to sleep. After the bedtime stories, I always made it a point to give a little life lesson, something small to take with them through life — "things to remember," I would tell them. Remember to share what you have because the next child may not be so fortunate. Learn something new every day, since you never know when you might need it. You know the difference between right and wrong, so make the correct choice. And if you're ever in doubt about what that is, just listen to your heart — it never lies. In your heart are the secrets to your best life. Maybe that's the way God talks to us. Maybe we were genetically designed that way. Maybe your relatives who have died are trying to tell you something. I guess my point here is not to let your mind get in the way of what your heart is trying to tell you.

So how do we do that? What makes us fall in love, and how do we accomplish that all over again with that snoring, drooling thing that hogs the covers? It can be done, and it's really not as difficult as one might think. This is going to be very one-sided at first. You're going to do a lot of giving before it's your turn to take. But I promise you that it can be done, and with surprisingly great results.

Our grandparents, great-grandparents, and relatives much further back got married and stayed married. And many of them did it quite successfully with people they hardly knew. How? They worked at it. They were taught by their parents what the priorities were and how to keep their houses in order. It wasn't about who the breadwinners were or who was in charge. It was about fulfilling your role in such a way as to make your partner's job a little easier at the end of the day — to make him or her want to rush home, to long for you. That was no different for gay couples. Someone assumed a working role outside the home, and someone took the caregiving responsibilities. Now, even if both people worked outside the home, individual roles somehow fell into place. And please understand that neither role is more or less important than the other. The point is that each had the other in mind and attempted to make his or her partner's life a little brighter each day. Somehow, just knowing that you were going to be linked for life gave you the necessary motivation to work things out. Divorce was not an option for most people. It was downright scandalous, and maybe we'd be better off if it were again. I'm not for one minute saying to stay in an abusive situation. No one should be abusing anyone, period! People wanted to stay together because they felt loved and wanted to share that love.

When was the last time you did something nice for your partner? When was the last time you said something nice and meant it? When did your partner? I believe the chief cause of divorce in this country is not what he or she did. I believe it's because of what we didn't do. We're neglecting each other in a big way! We're not loving each other. I've heard it said that at the end of our lives we regret the things we didn't do far more than the things we did. I can see that. I can see it already: the missed opportunities, the time we could have spent together. What are you missing out on?

Remember the beginning. What was it that really caught your attention? Think hard. Yes, you may have noticed the attractive qualities, but something beyond that kept your attention. Did he or she have something interesting to say? Was it the way he or she said it? And I'm not talking about a pickup line or catchy phrase. Did he or she look you in the eye, lean forward when speaking, sound excited when explaining something? Was there eagerness in the voice? All of these things indicate varying degrees of passion, and the subject is not as important as how the person felt at that moment. Passion is as contagious as laughter, and passion is the backbone of any relationship. Without it, nothing else will stand up.

Well, you might say, your partner isn't passionate anymore. He or...