The End of One Thing, The Beginning of Everything Else

How do I define myself now? What are my new priorities? Where do I focus my energy? These are all questions that immediately race through our minds at time of great loss in many cases. Of course rational thought would tell us that none of these decisions or questions need to be made or answered anytime soon. Time will bring about the needed answers and honestly we have very little control over time in the immediate. The loss of control and the change in the cadence of life were immediate emotional burdens that I felt. How do I do this? Who do I need to call? I have so many details to take care of. All these are part of the duties of the first day.

The Change of the Seasons of Life

When many of us think of the seasons of life we often view life as Spring (Birth), Summer (Growth), Fall (Maintenance), Winter (Rest). Loss changes all of this many times. I found the death of my spouse to be the ultimate winter emotional experience. The natural rhythm of life just switched and was turned upside down. Everything we had worked for, fought for, sacrificed for, joined forces for was removed from my existence that day. There were so many things we had shared, some private, some public, but most private, all of this had come to a screeching halt with her death. Suddenly we were traveling alone for the first time in forever, my wife to glory, me to the unknown. The "we" that was our mantra during our battle to overcome my wife's health challenges had been lost. The winter of my emotional attachment and in some respects the winter of our love had arrived on that fateful day. But wait a minute, the good book says "It is not good for man to be alone", what am I to do now? Now winter has come and I am left alone to figure out how to go it alone.

I experienced many things during the winter of my grief. The first emotion for me was shock. How could this happen? I know we still had health concerns to deal with, but we had been managing that forever. I even thought we were winning. With the shock comes the emotional cocoon which after the initial rush of emotional energy gives way to a draining range of emotions. Why is it that I can look at her picture and smile, then in the next moment be crying my eyes out? The energy drain manifest itself in the dust that collects, the mail that piles up on the table, the dishes that fail to be immediately run in the dishwasher and the endless hours that the television plays without me really caring if the program was good or not. I would later learn that this is what some had come to characterize as the "Apathy of Grief".

Initially like many others my energy level remained very high. I had no problem sleeping or attending to every detail that was necessary. There of course were calls to make, as well as a fitting service to plan. I handled all of those tasks as I was still taking care of "my girl". You see while the passing of someone naturally allows for most people to take stock of their relationship status with the person you just lost, often times people on the periphery often vie to become prominent in the plans and final arrangements we are often charged with making. Many times there are compromises to make, conversations to have and not have among the wide range of responsibilities that must be sorted through. In times such as these I highly recommend you find a "gatekeeper" for a brief period of time. This "gatekeeper" will serve as your companion, filter, errand runner and most importantly serve as a good listener. I was blessed to have an excellent gatekeeper in the person of my son. Any call I didn't want to take or detail I didn't want to handle, he was there for me. Having the right gatekeeper allows you to settle into the proper frame of mind, rest when you need to, go out when you have to and need to among other things. I know that my ability to navigate the immediate loss of my wife as well as I did was because I had a great gatekeeper.

As time passes your energy level varies. Eventually the calls stop, the first wave of decisions that need to be made are completed and you find yourself alone with your grief for what seems like the first time. For the first time in my case, the realization of how much of my life revolved around managing and caring for my wife's needs hit me. The role of caretaker was the most important role that I had and now that the need to maintain that role was complete was often disconcerting.

Throughout the First 365 you may find that your energy level will ebb and flow. I would encourage you to be patient with yourself. You may find that you have kept a close watch on the very narrow prism between your mental/emotional state and your physical energy levels. Another key individual that you may find value in is that "honest broker" to keep in regular contact with. This honest broker can be as informal as a personal friend, family member, member of a group you attend or as formal as a grief counselor or other professional.

The qualities that can be helpful in this individual often are some personal knowledge of the relationship between yourself and the person you lost, some meaningful experience with grief in their own life, the ability to listen without giving direction or advice too soon and the time that may be necessary to fulfill this role.

In the early stages of grief it is important to be aware of the need to set short term goals as you increase your activity. During one workshop I attended called "Surviving the Holidays" put on by the excellent organization "GriefShare." I received some wonderful advice when making my early return to social activities. The advice I was given was if possible drive yourself to social engagements early on. By doing so you control how long you stay and if the engagement becomes overwhelming you are not effecting anyone else's enjoyment of the gathering. Becoming overwhelmed and effecting others could result in not receiving future invitations and can lead to a form of social isolation. It is wise to avoid this from occurring as in time things will get better! For me personally, I found sporting events and movies with distinct start and finish times as helpful. These activities gave me the opportunity to lose myself in the story, to root for the outcome of the game, to have control over the degree of anonymity necessary to make it through that activity.

Our energy level can also be characterized by the emotions we are experiencing as well. Let's take a look at a few of these emotions and how our energy level may be affected by them.

Shock

Shock is a very common emotion experienced on some level by many people. Whether our experience is the result of a prolonged period of illness or a abrupt loss, some degree of shock in most cases will occur. Our reaction can range from a sudden rush of energy to a complete collapse. Whatever you find your experience to be, you will often find that your energy level is affected in some manner. It is also very important to remember that this reaction will be part of or share space with many other emotions simultaneously often vying for the level of energy you have.

Disbelief

Often this is characterized as the "wow" or the initial "ah ha" moment. Whether you see it as an inevitable eventuality or a lightning strike out of nowhere, disbelief will usually find it's way into your emotions. In the early stages of experiencing grief, anything that vies for your emotions will also require...