True Love and Great Destiny

True and pure love of anyone, whether that person is your significant other, parent, or sibling — is a double-edged sword that brings pain and joy. If on the one hand, you were never gifted with that love, you would not feel as much pain when the loved one passed. However, if you have been blessed with a deep love, the downside is that the pain is that much deeper after the loved one is gone. According to Lebanese author Kahlil Gibran, life and death are one, "even as the river and the sea are one." Gibran also wrote that "Like seeds dreaming beneath the snow, your heart dreams of spring." He says to trust in your dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

I also turn to the holy words of Lord Krishna, as recorded in the Gita, a Hindu religious text that is used in courts of law. In this book, when Arjun was grieving over the death of his son Abhimanyu, Lord Krishna told him, "Why grieve? What son? Whose son? It was a mortal relationship and with death, mortal relationships break for good. Soul has already taken a new birth. Do your duty by killing your enemy brothers who betrayed you and killed your son, otherwise they will kill you and your four brothers." This true episode is one of the most popular and powerful in Indian history, as recounted in the Sanskrit epic history the Mahabharata. The story of the Mahabharata can be found in texts, films, and Internet searches. Many American and Indian stage actors have acted in this episode on the stage all over the world.

Speaking of the fleeting nature of life, Lord Buddha wrote, "Our body is given by our parents and nourished by food; therefore, it will be destroyed one day." This quote comes from one of the books on Lord Buddha that I read in school. A saying in India is "Sadanaam parmatama ka hai," which means "God always exists, but there is no relation with anyone before birth and after death." It speaks to the fact that our existence is temporary. However, in spite of this knowledge, it is not always possible to relieve this pain we experience when a loved one leaves us. The knowledge provides no solace, and it is extremely painful to lose a loved one. The degree of pain we each feel depends upon the love or the closeness of our relations, and we may feel more pain for the loss of some loved ones than we do for other friends and acquaintances. It depends upon the depth of love that we feel. With that love, we may hope that it will become easier to cope with our loss, although that may not be true. Rather, as time passes, sometimes the pain gets worse and dampens our former desires to travel, dine out, and do other great things that we did with our lost ones. The pain leaves us wanting to live an extremely simple life.

Mathematician, statistician, physicist, and astronomer Pierre Simon Laplace said, "Thinking of you much at this difficult time. What we know is not much. What we do not know is immense."

Consider also this poem by Edgar Guest,

One or the Other

One or the other must leave.
One or the other must stay.
One or the other must grieve
This is forever the way.
Braving what has to be borne
Hiding the ache in the heart
One whomsoever adored, first will be summoned away
This is the will of the Lord.

Yes, these are great words and philosophies about the loss of loved ones, but they may not hold universal truths or be true for everyone. They definitely don't provide me with any comfort, solace, or peace of mind. The loss I feel has extinguished all of the comfort I once took in spiritual and religious learning, and it's left me with unbearable pain that will last my lifetime as I withdraw from the world we explored together. Our relationship was and still is extremely strong, built on true love, attachment, and devotion to one another. The death of one half becomes a living death for the other half.

Our True and Pure Love

Now, I will write about my most precious love and the friendship that I had with my darling wife of over forty-one years, Mrs. Constance Ann Berry, or Connie, was born Constance A. Fuller. We not only loved but worshipped one another with our pure and true love. I can say with great pride that we were truly two bodies with one soul. Our love was a special gift granted by the supreme Lord. That kind of love is, in my opinion, extremely rare and results from a unique destiny. I am reminded of a line in a book I read, though I don't remember the name. "It is a wonderful song cum poem of love." The pain of losing that love rattles me to the bone. At the same time, I cannot believe the whole happiness of the world is over for my other half.

The Painful and Sad of My Life

The sad chapter of my life and the trauma I went through began when my darling Connie fell down from her bed at home on February 20, 2015. She was taken for a checkup at the hospital. Although her results were normal, the hospital kept her for two days for observation. Connie was to be discharged on February 22, 2015, however this never came to pass. She suffered cardiac arrest and, after six days, died on February 28, 2015. That was the day we were to travel home from the trip we had planned to Sanibel Island, where we had been going for the last ten years to be away from the cold and snow. We had canceled the trip in November 2014 after a negative report from another hospital.

Connie had been so considerate, and she had said, "I hope you're not disappointed that we can't go. If you want to go, you can go."

I had replied, "1 No way. I would never go without you anywhere. I cannot even think about that. I will be with you no matter how much cold or snow I have to suffer." I was taking full care of her with great happiness. The saying "Do your duty. Life is a duty, and you must perform your duty with happiness" came to my mind. "If you cannot perform your duty, sit outside the church, temple, or road and ask for alma (money)." I believed this message about duty all my life, but it pained me to think of staying in town. For my love, it was not my duty but necessary for my wife. It was my love and care from my heart and soul, and for the first time I rejected this message of my childhood. I may or may not pass this message of duty onto others, particularly the young generation. However, for Connie it became a hurtful message. I asked myself, What duty, which duty, whose duty, why duty? Why is this word in the dictionary? Duty may be bothersome, but not when love is involved; then it becomes a true purpose.

My purpose was to save my beloved Connie from demise, but I lost that battle, and it bothers me all the time. I ask God: "Why did I lose that battle?" I was serving her like we served God. Why didn't God see the true devotion and pure love, with no more demands for anything other than her life? We were one loving couple and were extremely happy with each other. The Lord had been watching this for years and could give me one thing only: Connie. There was a time when Connie acted as mother, my sister, and of course best friend and wife. Now, when Connie was sick, especially starting in June 2013, our devotion, love, pain, and worries for her life were in the hands of the Lord even though we both were doing our duties, humanity work, and taking care of needy people. I even begged God to take some of the years from my life and grant those to Connie, because she was more important to me than material things. I also prayed, "My supreme Lord, please grant Connie a long life by taking some of my good karma, if I have some. Let both of us share by extending and curing Connie." I begged like a mother who always asks for her child. In the Bible, the Lord would say, "I will help you, my child." What happened to that?

I have great knowledge of spirituality, death, and birth. These are things over which we have no control, especially death. In spite of this, I was not ready for Connie's demise. She had told me her family had a history of long life and good genes, living to the ages over ninety. She was very positive and had tremendous good health throughout our marriage. She was intelligent and active. She said she would live a long time because she had been swimming regularly, golfing, walking, doing all the housework, cooking, shopping, teaching, and driving for years. In addition, she spent hours reading, was well versed in computer technology, served as the president of our building association for twenty-five years, had knowledge of building laws, watched all the best movies, traveled extensively, pursued higher education, and lived a healthy life. She was extremely careful about our diets. I believed she would be given that inheritance of long life. However, I was not sure about my own longevity, because my birth mother died at age twenty-six. My younger aunty, my mother's sister, was forced to marry my father to avoid bringing a stepmother in our family. She was married to my father for five years and died at the age of twenty-five, two hours after giving birth to my sister. My sister is still alive at age eighty-nine, but my father died before her at age eighty, on November 14, 2003. My paternal grandparents died at eighty-one. My maternal grandmother died at age fifty-six, and my maternal grandfather died at ninety-three. I was quite convinced with Connie's positive approach, we would live to ninety.

I mentioned my childhood pain. Connie is not with me, and that brought back the pain of my childhood to some degree. But Connie's loss is more painful than the childhood pain. Perhaps as part of my tributes to Connie, I am writing about this chapter of my life. Otherwise, I would not have written too much pain of my life and my brother's life when we were young in India. Now, the loss of Connie is the only thing on which I concentrate. Her demise, her separation, and her absence are the most terrible and devastating things. I mean this very seriously: her loss has absolutely broken me to no end. It is hard to believe that Connie is no longer in this world, I can't see her, I cannot talk to her, and there is no place on this earth where I can find her. She truly was the greatest wife for forty-two years. Two bodies got married, and till her disappearance at 1:10 a.m., I saw the same body, the same Connie I was serving food and watching movies and seeing her in the house, car, dinner, bedroom; giving clothes; sending messages on my cell phone; and cutting jokes. I loved seeing her smile and her beautiful, shining face till February 22 at 6:28 p.m., when she had cardiac arrest.

After that when she was on the artificial breathing, being intubated, I was watching, and she was talking in body language. Though painful, she wanted to say something. She was forcing herself to say something to me, and I was very close to her mouth, holding her hands. She had wanted to say something for six days. That scene, that moment of the day, will stay in my brain and heart all my life. What was in her mind, what she was thinking, and what she wanted to say — not know is very upsetting. What exactly did she want to tell me? What particular topic was it that she was trying to get to me? There was something in her mind for sure, which she was forcing to tell me, but she could not. I wish I could have known what her desire was. I wish I could hear her what was in her mind. I am dumbfounded when those scenes are crystal clear, and I go into hours and hours of thought as to what she wanted to convey to me. It's extremely painful, and only Pradeep Berry can feel that. No other person can even think of the depth of my experience of those six days. Only I can feel that, and not a single person on this earth, including my family, friends, neighbors, or any human being can answer. I pray to God. At least some miracles happen, and I hear the voice of the supreme Lord in my ears. God has given me the answer that Connie was saying this. Maybe if my devotion is true, one day through her soul, God's messenger, some dream, or some power, I will hear the message coming from somewhere. Then I would know that Connie wanted this particular thing. I would not take second to fulfill that desire. I would follow that desire like an order from the army general or vibration coming from the Lord.

I have read many books about this in Indian civilization. It happened to great saints and great swamis, holy people who had totally surrendered to God, dismissing their families and worldly things and waiting for enlightenment. Buddha is one example. Bandit Ratnakar, who was into the act of killing and looting people, was taught by saints. They crossed the jungles and enlightened Ratnakar, and from a great bandit, he become enlightened after twelve years of 100 percent devotion to Valmiki, who wrote the great holy book Ramayan, on Lord Rama. Kabir Das was enlightened by Lord Rama. Tulsidass was obsessed with his wife and in one incident (mentioned in this book) became a disciple of Lord Rama. Surdass was fascinated with all the woman, and he was enlightened to change himself. He poked his eyes and became blind so that he could not see any women anymore. These people came so close to God that they could sense and declare in advance as to when and where they would leave their bodies and take their last breath. These people are called Tappasvai — absolutely devoted to the Lord. To do that, it needs lots of sacrifice. However, in my case, I was still lacking this much devotion. I didn't where, when, and how I should start to become one of them, so that I could find out what was the last wish of Connie. My love and devotion is very close to these people, but I need some teacher to encourage me and show me the path to become one of those people. I have tried, and especially when I stand a few hours at Connie's granite stone, I ask the same question and same power. At that time, I am absolutely lost in my thoughts and far away from the worldly things. My thoughts, mind, and soul are pointed only on her granite stone with the engraved words I chose.

Constance Ann Berry
Best Friend & Most Precious
Darling wife of 42 years
Death — Feb 28, 2015.

This place under which her beautiful copper and gold urn with her ashes is sitting, is a great holy place for Pradeep Berry, with flowers spreading all over. The trees add to this holy place under its protection. I go to this holy place any day and any time to pray, at least three to four a weak. I must be honest, whenever I went to India in the last two years (three times), I made it a point one day before going and the day I landed back in the United States to go to this place to get power, peace of mind, and some soothing but painful vibration. Cold, snow, hot, rain, darkness — I go there regardless. If it is pitch dark, I turn on my car lights to see and stand there. Death is a truly a very dreadful thing to watch, and it takes away all the education, wealth, and human investment. How much education and knowledge has the world lost from these people who were teachers, doctors, presidents, CEOs, and thousands of other professions? How much schooling, PhDs and other professional knowledge is sitting under the grass or in the caskets? Buddha was right when he stated that the body is given by parents and nourished by food, and it would be destroyed. Another Saint in India stated with death, the world looses the deepest ocean of water in the shape of knowledge and education. Even the ocean does not have a space to accommodate all that knowledge after death.