THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are.

— Mr. Rogers

Kids have the uncanny ability to get personal with people quickly. I'm going to attempt that leap here and now, and I hope I can pull it off. I want to ask you a question about your own life, and I'd like you to try to answer it honestly. I know I'm asking a lot, since we've really just met, but here it is: What is the most important thing in life?

I'm not trying to trick you, I promise. But I do want you to consider not just what you think or say is the most important thing, but what you actually live out as the most important thing. Sometimes we articulate one set of values and live out an entirely different set. If you're unsure of what I mean, take a look at your schedule. What occupies the most time? What takes priority? What are you willing to cancel other things for? What do you look forward to the most? Is this the same thing that you say you'd value over everything else?

These may seem like rapid-fire, heavy questions, but we need to think clearly about our own lives and habits. At least I know I do. Even as I write this, I can see how certain things that occupy my day aren't really things I'd say I value. Yet there I go, checking silly newsfeeds and binge-watching shows on Netflix. That's my hypocrisy gap. I say I value people, relationships, and discipleship — but on my day off, I'd rather cling to a screen. I'm on this journey too, trust me — I so desperately need to practice what I preach.

When it comes to parenting, we all have our own hypocrisy gaps. We say we value a certain kind of parenting, even as we act another way. I know that can be painful to consider, but please know that I feel the twinge of it myself.

The great majority of parents — you and me included — have the very best motives when it comes to raising our kids. So as I say everything else that I'm about to say, know that the undercurrent of all this is: I think your heart is steered in the right direction. I am working with the assumption that you are doing your very best, because I really do believe we all are doing just that. I also want to make a deal with you that will, henceforth, be known as "the guilt trip clause." This book is not about feeling guilty, so please, let's not turn it into that. If you are reading along in these chapters and feel guilt creeping in, shut it down: either the guilt or the book. Take the guilt to Jesus and work that out, and then hopefully come back to the book later.

There is so much parental guilt these days, and in no way do I want to contribute to it. I find parental guilt creeping in on me so often that I'm embarrassed to admit it. When I see a kid who is more athletically, academically, or musically advanced than my own, I think, "Oh no! Is my daughter behind? I need to help her work on [fill in the blank with the appropriate area of deficit]." Guilt. When my daughter is unkind or rude to other people? Guilt. When I am away or am unable to spend time with her for a few days? Guilt. When I give her too much screen time simply to occupy her because I am busy? Guilt. When I assume something instead of listening to her talk? Guilt.

Honestly, most days I have dozens of flashes of such guilt — and that is without anyone pointing out my flaws to me! When that happens, I fall down a guilt well so deep that I need quite the team with rope and harness to help me out. We all experience more than enough parental guilt, from every angle, that we simply do not need to add to one another's load. And so, let's now officially place the guilt trip clause into effect. If Raising Disciples is prompting an excess of guilt on your part, put it down. Come back later. (Please come back later! I'll miss you.)

REPETITION MATTERS

As we begin this journey, I want to plant us in some solid biblical soil. In the Old Testament book of Deuteronomy, Moses belts out instructions to the Israelite people. While these words were uttered thousands of years ago, the lesson for us today is just as great as it was for his listeners:

Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. (Deuteronomy 6:4-9)

I'm told this Bible passage is a must-have in every book about Christian parenting. And while I'm not exactly a sucker for tradition, the truth is that this passage is packed with parenting wisdom for us today. Although I'm not a huge fan of taking parenting advice from the Old Testament — what with the stoning of disobedient children and all — I do think there are some glorious nuggets in there. Including this one.

Moses is in the middle of an oration to the Hebrew people about decrees and regulations, and he throws in the phrase "Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone." This is called the Shema and is used in regular Hebrew prayers and, today, in Jewish prayer services. It would have also been a clear phrase to indicate to all of Moses's listeners that they had better listen up, because here come some of the most important commands ever: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength."

If we were able to simply focus on this, we would be phenomenal parents. We would be incredible role models to our children, and we would be focused on living a Jesus-centered life. Yet this passage offers us some additional, very practical parenting advice.

We are to commit ourselves to these commands — given by Moses but truly unveiled by Jesus — to love God and love others. The commands, or the law, for the Hebrew people were the terms of the covenant that they had with God. We now live under the new covenant — the one initiated by Christ himself. That means we live in a new way, focusing less on the commands themselves and more completely on Jesus. As the writer of Hebrews says, "When God speaks...