First Quarter

Opening

Tip

Today is Thursday, September 3, 2009, the first day of school due to a monthlong renovation delay. After the bell rings, teacher says: "Good morning, fifth graders. I'm Dr. Dorothy O'Brien. Welcome back to Arthur T. Wilson Elementary School."

After roll call, teacher states: "I'm a Nigerian-American wife of an Irish-American professional basketball player. My husband is Marvin 'Irish Marvel' O'Brien."

Shakobe says: "OMG! We're being punk'd. No way!" Dr. O'Brien tells: "Yes way! Marvin isn't a stuffed animal, my platonic plus-one, the object of my infatuation, a phantom, an imaginary guy, a hired fake boyfriend, my common-law spouse, or some print model pasted on my vision board. Our marriage certificate proves he's my bona-fide husband."

Lynn inquires: "When you were husband hunting, was a basketballer on your husband wish list?" Dr. O'Brien responds: "I wasn't a huntress looking for a love. Marrying a b-baller wasn't my endgame. No occupational preference on my HWL."

Valerie asks: "Were you a mail-order bride or runaway bride?" Dr. O'Brien says: "Never a mail-order bride. Shortly after the movie release of Runaway Bride, I was a runway bride at a benefit for underprivileged kids hosted by Julia Roberts."

Rebecca inquires: "Were you an encore bride like my mean, husband-stealing stepmomster?" Dr. O'Brien responds: "No remarriage here. We're each other's numero uno."

Sheet Cake asks: "Are you a midwife, too?" Dr. O'Brien answers: "Nope. Midwife means with woman. A midwife may be a woman or man medically trained to help with childbirth."

Tiny inquires: "Are you sure your fella isn't Creole, a Black albino, or half a brotha like that cutie-patootie hoopster from Minnesota?" Dr. O'Brien responds: "I've seen his Irish genealogy on a five-generation photo family tree. I'm convinced a secret branch doesn't exist and confident that he's not a biracial beige brotha or lacking pigmentation. Nor is he 100 percent wheat bread passing as white bread."

Charlotte says: "I don't think you're secretly White and wearing special-effect makeup or body paint, tanned, or popping melanin tablets. Could it be you're half a sista like B.A.P.S girl, Halle Barry?" Dr. O'Brien states, "I'm a full sista."

Dreadhead says: "Black professional athletes have pursued Beckies for eons, but a Barney pro basketballer down with brown and put a vow on it is unheard-of. Are you two in The Guinness Book of World Records?" Dr. O'Brien laughs and answers: "Uh-uh. According to my intel, we're possibly the first, but not the only."

Gracie says: "My mom has a work husband and my dad has a work wife. Is your work husband that El DeBarge look-alike teacher from Mumbai?" Dr. O'Brien responds: "No office spouse, but we both have a work family. Speaking of my esteemed colleague, Mr. Patel, he won our faculty/staff talent show in 2005. Whenever El is in town, he visits Mr. Patel's class. They wear matching outfits and perform Motown songs."

Ponytail says: "I once saw the honorary brotha and his entourage chilling with Paul Walker and Vin Diesel at an Indy 500. He's a global brand with bookoo endorsements like David Beckham. Are y'all Bill Gatin' in million-dollar rooms at your sprawling family compound, piece-of-the-pie penthouse, majestic villa, over-the-top estate, posh château, or on a mega yacht we can see on MTV Cribs, The Fabulous Life Of ..., or How' d You Get So Rich?" Dr. O'Brien replies: "No, but years ago, I dreamt we were interviewed on Billionaires Beach by Robin Leach from Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. We chatted about our champagne wishes and caviar dreams as the Eurythmics' 'Sweet Dreams' played."

Dr. O'Brien clears her throat and says: "Home court isn't a 90,000-square-foot mansion with a helipad and acreage for an amusement park. We aren't living large with a chef, maid staff, butler, chauffeur, topiary gardeners, and pool boy. Nor do we have personal assistants and wardrobe stylists. We're just suburbanites living the American Dream in a modest two-story abode. Our guard-gated community is near a picturesque country club. My humble husband doesn't want to be part of the 60 percent of professional basketball players who're broke within five years after retirement. Having a nest egg helps avoid bankruptcy, homelessness, depression, and suicide. Irish Marvel has to wait almost two decades to collect his full pension at 50."

Yingjie asks: "Does your Irishman have a supercool mantuary and tricked-out whips?" Dr. O'Brien answers: "Mantuary, yes. Tricked-out whips, not anymore. Irish Marvel and I found out the hard way those cars attract the wrong attention from Haterade drinkers. In 2003, we were traveling home from the ESPY Awards in our tricked-out Lambo. The two of us were riding low with Art Laboe, listening to Phil Collins' 'In the Air Tonight.' Shortly after the drum solo, we were carjacked at gunpoint by two burly women wearing masks." After hearing the couple's harrowing ordeal, class gasps.

Stevie inquires: "How'd your ballplayer husband get his nickname and where'd he go to college?" Dr. O'Brien says: "Marvin O'Brien was dubbed 'Irish Marvel' in 1997 after his hilarious Super Bowl commercial for a popular shaving cream company that capitalized on his Irishness. My husband along with Barry Bonds, Oscar De La Hoya, Wayne Gretzky, Andre Agassi, Walter Payton, and Rip Taylor spoofed The $1.98 Beauty Show. Marvin was a student-athlete in high school and graduated as salutatorian. He was a prep-to-pro player who was the top draft pick in June 1996. Marvin missed all of the hullabaloo surrounding March Madness. He didn't get to be a frat boy or a college Cinderella jock on a Cinderella team. Marvin wasn't a one-and-done collegiate player like most draftees since 2006."

Shakobe asks: "Why do you have three letters and two dots after your last name on the whiteboard?" Dr. O'Brien informs: "Ed.D. stands for Doctor of Education. The punctuation marks around the letters in my title are periods. A doctorate in America is a terminal degree, meaning the highest degree a person can get from a university. I graduated with a research doctorate from Harvard University, an Ivy League school. Doctors who practice medicine have a professional doctorate, medical license, and prescription pad."

Charlotte comments: "That totally kills my dingbat socialite/trophy wife theory." Ivy Leaguer smiles and responds: "I'm a capable wife who occasionally attends social events to take a breather from working inside and outside the home. Besides, my husband says that a trophy belongs in a display case."

Gracie says: "You must be one smart cookie. They don't let anybody just waltz into that institution of higher learning. I thought maybe you're an honorary doc like Dr. Maya Angelou. Glad you're not a quack, charlatan, or snake oil saleswoman. Did you have a white coat ceremony for your graduation?" Smart Cookie answers: "No. First-year medical students in med school receive short white laboratory coats at a formal robing ceremony to welcome them. Today's homework is to define the noun A-U-T-O-D-I-D-A-C-T, research the meaning of an Ivy League...