JIM

The Beginning

I am no stranger to pain, suffering and loss. I have dealt with cancer since I was 24 years old.

We met on a blind date on my birthday and fell in love. Jim was just out of the Air Force and moved to Virginia from Mann's Harbor, a small community on the outer banks of North Carolina. We married within two years in the hot month of July. Two months later, two moles were found and both were cancer. One was on Jim's left shoulder and one on his lower back. Years of exposure to the sun while mating on his father's charter boat enraged the moles developing into Melanoma cancer.

Surgery was immediate. Large areas of flesh were scooped out where the moles were and skin was grafted from the top of his legs using a wood plane object causing great pain. After surgery, we were told Jim would eventually die from this; the cancer was already in his bloodstream. And so our struggle for Jim's survival began. We were so young and innocent and afraid. When treatments were suggested, we said yes. There were no advanced chemotherapy treatments for Melanoma, only experimental treatments and Jim suffered greatly from these. One doctor came from France. He used one inch squares of razor blades cutting into the skin under both arms and his groin near the lymph nodes after which he injected serum into the broken skin. After months of this, the skin was so inflamed the treatments were stopped. Next, radiated dead cancer cells were injected in his hip resulting in a dead skin hole the size of a pencil eraser. It never healed. And there were pills and injections and IV's. I was asked to keep check on any changes in moles, shape or color. Over the next few years, several were removed and tested. One near his spine proved to be cancer and Jim had his second surgery with skin grafts. New chemotherapy was developed by this time so Jim started monthly treatments spending a week each month in the hospital. After these were stopped, we actually had a few good years with no surgery or treatments. We were able to visit and spend time with Jim's young daughter, Renee and his loving family, Pop (James) and Mary, his parents and Joann and Crystal his sisters, in Mann's Harbor. We went fishing and boating and water skiing, enjoyed delicious fresh seafood dishes Mary and Pop would fix. These were happy times for us and we all knew these times together were precious moments, but how quickly things changed when the cancer demon reared its ugly head again. Having spread to each lung, back and shoulder and liver, we were left with only our prayers. After ten years of suffering experimental treatments, pills, injections, chemotherapy IV's and now radiation, I was losing him fast. I stayed with him at the hospital, slept in a chair by the bed holding his hand. He was afraid and could not breathe well from the cancer filled lungs. I thought I had felt all the hurt I could imagine until that Thursday I was asked to sign for a morphine drip to induce a coma and end his life in some form of peace. I went home to grieve. In my devastation, heart break, loneliness, I remembered our ten loving years together. And despite the hardships, I thanked God for giving me those ten years and the deep love we were able to share until the bitter end. Two days later, Saturday morning, I left the hospital early to shower and call Jim's family. I was home only 15 minutes when I received a call that Jim slipped away just after I left.

Jim died at age 36. I was 34. I buried Jim in the cold of February and went back to work to regain normalcy in my life. The house was empty and quiet and full of memories. Life would never be the same.

RENEE

Although Jim was gone, he left me one precious gift, Renee, his young daughter. I met her at age four. She was so cute and petite. She hated green peas and loved clog shoes. She was Jim's heart and how he loved her. She was only 16 when Jim died, a tender age for such heartbreak. The night after Jim's funeral, Renee slept with me. In the haziness of falling asleep, the room illuminated with bright light and I knew with all my heart Jim had come to be sure we were alright and say goodbye. Over the following years I watched Renee grow into a wonderful young woman, graduate and marry. So beautiful and not just on the outside, but beautiful on the inside. She gave me two wonderful and beautiful granddaughters, Ashley and Adrian. I watched as Ashley entered the world. All I could think was what Jim would think. I know he was watching and smiling and loving every moment. I know he still watches and loves.

A few years ago, I was visiting Renee and her family in North Carolina. I woke early that morning with the strangest feeling. Words flowed from my heart, my spirit. I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote down words, tears flowing. I went downstairs for coffee. I wanted to go outside to enjoy the peacefulness of Renee's lovely home and watch the sunrise. To my surprise, Renee was already up and outside. I sat beside her on the steps of the porch. I told her that her father was there watching over. I took the poem from my pocket and let her read. We both sat and cried together in the early morning knowing Jim would always be around.

WATCHING OVER

It comes to me in a dream.
It wakes me at night.
It fills my senses, sometimes with sadness, sometimes with delight.
Where did the time go? Why did you go?
Look what you left behind.

Are you there? Are you there watching over?

I treasure the thoughts of you.
I treasure every moment of your legacy.
They fill my heart with joy.
They make me feel loved as you did.
You live on. You live on in them.
And through them, I...