WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS?

Assertiveness is win-win.

Being assertive allows us to express our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest, and appropriate way. It means having respect for ourselves and for others [Self-esteem]. We are consciously working toward a win-win solution to problems. A win-win solution means that we are trying to make sure that both parties end up with their needs met, feeling heard and respected [Communication skills and Self-care]. An assertive person listens and may negotiate so that others may choose to cooperate willingly. Assertiveness does not mean agreeing with others. It does mean accepting what another person says.

Assertiveness is:

• Expressing yourself without violating the rights of others

• Expressing your thoughts and feelings in a clear way that keeps the lines of communication open

• Speaking your mind without attempting to influence others (Having your say and not getting your way)

There is a huge difference between hearing and accepting what someone says and agreeing with them. Remember, accepting is not agreeing [Knowing guidelines].

An example of accepting without agreeing could go like this ... I accept your decision to eat ice cream for breakfast, but I do not agree with it for myself. This is the model for many areas of disagreement. An assertive person will accept another's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs without agreeing. I accept that you choose a different game to play than I do, and I do not have to agree with your choice [Self-respect].

Assertiveness is not being passive or aggressive.

You can adopt a clear, direct, and respectful communication style. This is effective and may develop into increased self-confidence [Sense of consistency, Self-respect]. Expressing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest, and appropriate way is assertive and very self-respecting. It is a conscious process that focuses on working toward a win-win solution to problems. This does not mean that one person necessarily gets to have her/his way. This translates to "I may or may not win, and I will feel proud of my behavior in the process."

Aggressiveness is win-lose.

Acting in an aggressive manner is when a person expresses her/his thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a way that is inappropriate and violates the rights of others. It can be either active or passive, but no matter which, it communicates an impression of disrespect. Examples of active aggression include cursing or yelling. Passive aggression is more subtle. Not answering is one example of passive aggression. By being aggressive, a person puts her/his wants, needs, and rights above those of others and tries to get her/his way by not allowing others to have a choice. Where assertiveness strives for a win-win solution, aggressiveness demands a win-lose situation. "I will be the winner, you will be the loser." An aggressive person does not accept without agreeing. An aggressive person wants agreement at any cost.

Aggressiveness is:

• Behavior or attitude that is hostile or attacking

• Action intended to dominate or master

Passivity is lose-win.

Passive behavior is indirect. It permits others to violate our rights and shows a lack of respect for ourselves. Passivity communicates a message of inferiority. A lose-win situation is created because the passive person has been forced to put her/his needs as secondary to the needs of the aggressor. "I will lose, but, not because I chose to, because I was forced to."

Passivity is:

• Being unable to speak up for yourself

• Being meek when you don't want to be

Choosing to be passive is sometimes a good option. Giving up your purse when someone is robbing you at gunpoint is a good choice. You can feel pleased being passive in that moment. Acting passively because you think you have no other options does not feel good and can lead to low self-esteem.

How do you know when you need to act more assertively? How can you tell when you are being forced to be passive? The answer often lies in your bodily response to the situation. You might feel an immediate tightness across your shoulders, have an achy feeling in your head or neck, breathe rapidly, or have an odd sensation in your stomach. There are a variety of sensations that help us recognize feeling defensive.

When you feel defensive, you need to act differently. Be mindful and respectful of your feelings and take care of yourself first. This is the basis of assertiveness [Self-care].

The strategy of taking care of yourself first is consistently directed to airline passengers. Each time you fly, you hear the flight attendants saying that you must put your oxygen mask on first. Again, learn to take care of yourself first across a variety of situations.

Situation #1

Imagine you are traveling in the northern United States staying in an old hotel. You have no control over the temperature in your room. The thermostat does not work until the room is below 50 degrees or above 80 degrees. Would you be cold at lower temperatures and wish you could turn on the heat? Would you call the Front Desk? If you do nothing, you are being passive. If you attempt to do something about it, that is self-care.

We have internal thermostats that measure emotions just like the hotel room has one to control temperature. Our internal thermostats turn on when we have extreme emotions. We respond after a certain point, which leads us to be reactive. An example is when you called the Front Desk because the temperature was too hot or too cold.

Managing your emotions is good self-care; good self-care involves being assertive. As you practice being more assertive, your thermostat will become more accurate and finely tuned. Having a very accurate thermostat will help you be proactive, which promotes emotional balance [Sense of consistency].

Situation #2

Imagine a confrontation as if you were playing in a soccer game. The goal is to prevent the opponents from scoring. The opponents will score if the goalie is pulled out of the goal zone. Holding your position within the goal zone is equivalent to staying level and composed in an emotional situation [Knowing guidelines and Being prepared]. Imagine playing goalie by using your range of emotions as the goal zone.

Poor goal tending is often exemplified by watching very young children play soccer. Wherever the ball is, often all members of both teams surround it, including the goalies. As the players become more experienced, only those players who are allowed to roam do, and the goalie stays within a certain range.

Keeping the goal zone narrow deters the other team from scoring. I win if I keep my position and maintain my composure (position). I want to stay in the narrowed goal zone [Knowing guidelines]. If I am assertive, I will hold my position. If I allow myself to be pulled to either side, there is a greater chance of my opponents scoring. All of this represents emotionality and our goal of staying balanced.

Awareness of bodily sensations represents an emotional thermostat. I can usually tell very quickly when I am feeling defensive; I might feel my breath quicken or feel butterflies in my stomach. Others have described tight muscles in the neck, jaw, or temples. Being highly aware of these physical sensations...