Can We Enjoy Life More Fully?

Our beliefs convince us that we are doing okay and have things under control. We all may be doing fine, but we have an opportunity to do better.

We Think We Are Fine

Why should I care so passionately about letting go of my reactions and my need to control? I'm fine. Really. I have an amazing and beautiful family. I have a great home in a wonderful community and a good job with lots of benefits. I am healthy, happy, and content. I don't generally worry about the future or dwell on my past. There is some stress in my life, but it's nothing I can't manage. I am busy living a very good life.

So how do I know that I have work to do?

When I listen to the repeated chatter in my mind, I can hear it. "Hurry up, and get it done. Do a little more. Don't waste time watching TV. Don't let your team down."

When I sit quietly, I can sense it. Tight shoulders. A pit in my stomach. A clenched jaw. A stiffness in my chest.

When I go through my routines at home, I can feel it. Stress because I have too many things to do and not enough time. My mind racing. Tension in my voice. I am distracted and always in a rush.

When I press through my workday, I notice my reactions. The feeling of pressure to meet a deadline. The frustration when people aren't doing what they should be doing. An irrational angst about picking up the phone.

Most importantly, when I interact with my family, I know I still have work to do. The floor isn't swept the right way. The dishes aren't washed fast enough. The television is kept on during the day. I react.

I know I am not alone. Among family, friends, and coworkers, I notice similar themes, even if no one wants to admit it.

There is, for example, that group of stressed-out moms, the group who could easily be called the perfect moms. They have great families, the best parties, the nicest houses, and the most friends. Their efforts to maintain perfect homes and families require a lot of energy. They feel pressure to do it all — and very well. Their children have to be in a multitude of activities to make them well rounded and introduce them to the right group of friends. The house has to be clean, the meals healthy, and the laundry always done. These moms feel that they need to create fun family memories for their children to cherish, which normally involve special trips and parties. If you ask members of this group how they are doing, they say they are okay. Underneath, you can sense they are tired and stressed, but they know they have it all, so they say they are fine. Really.

There is another group of individuals who I sense are struggling to hang on. But still, when asked, they are quick to respond, "I'm fine. Really." They are reluctant to admit that life isn't manifesting as planned. Maybe they've experienced a traumatic event or a series of things have gone awry. Maybe they are not doing the work they dreamed of. Maybe their family situations aren't what they wanted. People in this group often have everything worked out in their minds, but other people get in the way, and events happen that they cannot control. They could use some help, support, and understanding, but everyone is busy, including them.

I notice children may appear to be fine, but they also react. A scolding parent, a scary movie, and a bully in the playground all elicit visible stress reactions in children. They may want others to believe they are okay. They may act tough, but if you watch, you can tell by their voice, their posture, and their actions that they could use some help.

For me, the most interesting group is made of individuals who adamantly believe they are doing just fine. Really. And by all accounts, they are doing great. They express interest in stress management — for their spouses, friends, or coworkers, of course. They watch the news, and everyone else is clearly messed up, but they are fine. They do not feel stressed. Their lives are comfortable, yet they have strong opinions on how the world should be and how people should behave. Things are black and white, right or wrong. Many in this group are in positions of control. They head up households, corporations, and organizations. They are in enviable positions to exert control over their environments and change things that make them uncomfortable. In their views, if others are feeling stressed, then it is others who need to change. Often, these are the individuals causing others to stress.

I guess we are all fine.

Really?

Don't be fooled. We can all do better. We convince ourselves that we are fine. We hold strong beliefs about the way life should be, and we work hard to maintain those beliefs, even when they cause stress to ourselves and others. Where do those beliefs come from? How can we uncover them and better manage our stress?

Our Beliefs Can Deceive Us

Life is full of experiences and events that form our beliefs. Our beliefs are powerful and operate in our subconscious thought patterns. We may believe we think rationally. In order to pay my bills, I need to keep my job even though I hate it. But think again; maybe you could buy less and have fewer bills. Maybe a better job is available. Your belief may be fueled by a personal experience, such as a parent who stayed in a job only to support the family. Beliefs drive our behaviors, and beliefs don't heed rational thought.

We form our beliefs beginning at a very young age. Of course, as infants and youths, we are not always in control of our lives. Highly emotional events that occur at a time when our brains are responsive to outside stimuli create beliefs that form our subconscious thinking and trigger our reactions much later in life. We will not likely be aware of this influence.

It is generally understood that beliefs are formed by a combination of thought and emotion associated with our experiences. During emotional events, good or bad, we release stress hormones to enhance memory. We also know that our beliefs drive the subconscious thinking that allows us to make split-second decisions to save our lives — fight or flight. Beliefs also drive the thinking that causes us to judge individuals before our conscious thoughts can weigh in.

Beliefs are responsible for the habits and routines that make our lives comfortable. Our subconscious thoughts drive our ideas of who we are and who we want to associate with, thus forming our unique personalities and characters. It allows us to make sense of all the chaos in the world within a manageable construct of how life should be. As long as things fit nicely in this box, we're okay.

But beliefs also create stress. We create fantasies about what our lives should be like. When everyday events do not match these fantasies, our bodies react with a stress response. We may not...