Finding Your Personal Guide

Erica has (reluctantly, I admit) sought the help of a therapist. Her psychologist, Dr. Kathy Johnson, decided that Erica was a suitable client for her therapy based on a clinical assessment. Please look back at the questions Kathy asked Erica. If your response to any of those questions is yes, I strongly urge you to work with a therapist who has expertise in those areas.

Regardless of your assessment, if you decide to seek therapy, I encourage you to make sure the therapist is a licensed mental health professional, not simply a person who advertises her- or himself as certified. Psychiatrists, psychologists, clinical social workers, marriage and family therapists, and pastoral counselors are rigorously trained professionals. They have been tested with state and national exams and must comply with ethical standards. Training in these professions involves many years and is scrutinized by various boards. When you seek the help of a therapist, be sure that professional is licensed by your state to treat mental health issues. Interview them about their degrees and years of training. After all, if you only needed well-intended advice, you could ask a friend!

August 9

Pie day!

I got out some really nice unlined paper, some multicolored sharpies, and started making pies by tracing around a pie pan (of course!) to make sure that they were perfect circles.

The first pie was Mother. The second one: guys. The third one was my sister, Laura. And since I was getting good at tracing these pie shapes, I made a few more: work and boss, along with an abstract one (dreams for the future) and a silly one (my hair and freckles).

I stopped before I built a whole pie shop.

Feeling oh-so in command, I drew up a color key, figuring I'd get extra points for having such classy-looking pies. My slivers of the pies will be yellow, while my mother's will be blue (luckily, I have two blue markers on hand since I may need a lot of that color!). My sister's color can be pink, which she'd like very much — so feminine. Guys are red, work will be green, and I have a fuchsia marker for my boss.

So far, lots of fun. Then, I hit a wall. If Pie One represents all my problems with my mother, can I really color the whole thing blue? It dawned on me right away that I was going to have to color some slivers with my yellow pen if I'm being really honest.

I almost tossed the pies. This was not fun after all.

I spent the whole evening on one pie, mostly staring at the shape and getting weepy — partly out of self-pity, but also a bit out of embarrassment at how judgmental I've been toward my mother, while I've been overly forgiving of my father and oblivious to my own responsibility for the problems in my relationship with Mom.

I almost called her to apologize, but she wouldn't understand this bit about pies, and knowing me, I'd probably get annoyed at something she said and we'd be back in the thick of it. No, I decided to turn in my homework to Kathy first.

Pause Button

Making Your Own Pie

On a blank sheet of paper, draw a circle to represent the outline of a pie (you don't have to make them perfect like Erica!).

Think of someone with whom you have a difficult relationship. Write that person's name above the pie.

Take a few minutes to sit back and really reflect on your typical conflicts or unpleasant interactions with this person. You'll get the best results from this exercise if you:

1. Set aside ten to fifteen minutes for this important exercise.

2. Pick a quiet place to do it, away from phones, TV, and other distractions.

3. Think of a general pattern or typical conflicts, or select a specific event.

You may see and hear many details as you examine this pie. It may surprise you to observe the internal drama that takes place in your brain's theater when you become your own audience. (By the way, this is a tool in itself, which will be discussed in more detail later in Tool #6, the meditation called Snowflakes.)

Now, having listened and observed, divide the pie up into slices. What portion of the pie is the fault of that difficult other? What portion belongs to other people who play some role in this conflict? Finally, what portion of the pie is yours? Don't skip this important part of the exercise. After all, your portion is the part of the pie you can most directly and effectively change. On the other hand, don't claim too much of the pie for yourself, thus omitting the parts that others play in creating this unsavory dish.

You now have a rough picture of this problem pie. It will be even more helpful if you add descriptors and details in each portion. Here are two examples — either one could be an accurate assessment, depending on the situation:

(1) "I have this much of the pie because I never speak up for myself with this person. I'm afraid of his anger, and I keep being nice no matter how he treats me!"

(2) "John gets the majority of this pie. He is such an angry person and speaks so loudly when he argues that it scares me! Other people also experience this with John. Their results aren't any better than mine, no matter how they respond to him."

When we're honest about the composition of our problem pies, we often discover that these ineffective interactions are much more complex than we previously thought. And once we see them more accurately, we may find new ways to behave — new strategies and solutions. We can change our portions of the pie. When this occurs, we often find the whole pie changes, just as changing an ingredient in a pie recipe alters the final product!

To summarize the recipe:

1. Take some time. You are worth it.

2. Draw the basic pie shape.

3. Reflect on the conflict(s) that makes this a problem pie for you.

4. Divide the pie into slices.

5. Add descriptors.

6. Keep the pie picture handy. You'll want to notice changes!

August 13

No matter how old I get, I don't think I'll ever lose that horrible sensation of turning in a paper to a teacher and waiting for the verdict.

Kathy seemed amused by my color-coding, which made my pie with Mom look like it was tie-dyed. There was no verdict, though, just some gentle prodding to help me get through a session that turned out to be a lot more difficult for me than I'd expected.

For the first time, I admitted to myself that I crave my mother's approval. Why then have I pushed her away and argued with her and defied everything she says? Funny way to win approval, huh? But as I was coloring...