The Ending before the Beginning

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A little strange, but before I share all the beautiful stories I have written in this book — that are full of the magic and miracles I have experienced since my husband left this physical life, as well as those from the past that I now recognize as gifts — I think it's best to explain how I got here. Makes sense, right? In no way did I just drop into this spiritual path.

I grew up with fears and blocks and a belief system similar to everyone else's, such as "I do not believe in spiritualism. My religious belief teaches (this or that)." Consequently, I never liked the above blah, blah, blah, independent thinker that I am. You know, like if I am divine and one with all that is, why do I need someone in between telling me how to live my life? I have to mention that, for me, it is difficult to surrender and welcome a belief system when there are so many different teachings of these beliefs. Who is right?

I hold no judgment. I say to anyone, "If you have a belief system, regardless of what it is, that brings peace and harmony into your life, then you have found what is right for you."

One thing I did agree with was that dead was dead, and I wanted nothing to do with dead! This heaven and hell stuff was not for me. It had dead written all over it. Maybe it had to do with seeing my grandfather in a casket when I was a little kid. Everyone was crying, and I was just this frozen, terrified little kid wondering what dead was, and my little imagination was running wild with fear. This is one of many examples of how I created my own blocks to, and fears about the oneness with all that is.

Fast-forwarding through childhood into an adulthood filled with dysfunction, I made my share of false assumptions that led to bad choices, knowing in my heart I always did my best with wherever I had thrown myself. My life went through many changes over the years, and Al-Anon became my best friend. The kids were grown now. I was on my own for the first time in many years, and I was free again to pursue my dreams. A little older, a little wiser, and with all that said and done, I felt as happy as a clam, and life was good!

Things continued to move forward with optimism and hope for the future. The Al-Anon path was and is an amazing, nonjudgmental, spiritual environment that has benefited all facets of my life. Thirty-seven years later, I still start each day with Al-Anon. I found something that worked for me, and I stuck with it, not knowing this just might be the door that opened the way for something much greater.

Think before you say the word never. I did not, and years later, all my girlfriends remind me of that statement as they laugh. The never was "I will never marry again!" Well, well, wouldn't you know it? I met the man of my dreams. Two years later, we were married on a cruise ship while surrounded by family and friends. Soon we were living a life normally told in fairy tales.

Several months later, my husband, Phil, received the grim diagnosis that he had stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma of the parotid gland. Phil endured countless surgeries, chemo, and radiation. He died peacefully at home four years later. My life was shattered beyond anything I have ever known. As I held him in my arms, his body still warm, what scared me as a child did not seem so scary anymore. Why? Why? Why?

Paranormal things started to happen as Phil was slowly shutting down, and they continued almost immediately following his death. Things I could not explain and things that were hard to share with family and friends. I picked up every book on death and grief I could get my hands on. Nowhere in these well-meaning mainstream books was there discussion of what I was experiencing. I guess if you do not talk about it, it does not happen. I found myself taken in directions I had never dreamed possible. Things started to change in a big way when I had a reading from an amazing medium named Roxie. Accident, coincidence, or divine intervention — whatever — it sure was not something I had planned on that day. Nevertheless, it left me feeling loved and hugged for days, from a place I would have never chosen to explore.

This was a turning point for me into the metaphysical. I needed answers to all my whys and proof of what I was experiencing. I buried my head in science and quantum physics. I needed proof! It seemed that doors blew open, and I entered.

This journey took me places I never dreamed I would go. As I traveled this path into the unknown, I could feel the beat of my heart again and a warmth from a light that was shining within me. I found myself at peace, and serenity wrapped me in her arms. Angels tapped at my heart and took me on a journey I never dreamed possible. Fears seemed to disappear as they continued to tap at my heart, guiding me on this journey to where I am now, sharing it with you.

Mainstream beliefs had me convinced there was nothing else, and they were hard to let go of. I prayed for strength and courage to take me beyond my own fear and what I had come to believe as I walked into the unknown, searching for answers. Eternal love welcomed me, and that eternal love is what helped me to heal a heart so broken.

It has been five years now since Phil left this physical life. I try to share this healing and this love wherever I go. It seems that no matter where I go or what I am doing, I encounter a kindred heart who will share a beautiful story about a connection to a loved one after his or her death. Usually it's a story people have never shared with anyone, or very few. How sad it is that we witness these miracles in silence!

When you have a loss in your life and you experience something called a dream visitation, you smell a scent that represents a loved one, you feel a loved one's presence, you hear your loved one call your name, or you feel him or her lie next to you. Know that all of this is normal. It is okay. Otherwise, millions of people would not be experiencing this miracle and this magic connection to something greater than themselves.

I hope you enjoy the stories I share in this book. My journey will continue — of that I am sure. I am not quite sure where it will take me next. I guess we will all have to stay tuned for that.

My wish is to touch a heart that has felt the pain and grief of a loved one who was lost and somehow help that heart find peace through the love and eternal life that I believe exist. Today, this is where my heart calls me.

The other night...