RIGHT OUT OF LEFT FIELD

After having a sleepover the night before, we wore ourselves out by squirt gun fighting, diving onto the slip and slide, doing back flips, front flips and three hundred and sixty degree flips, as well as sideways flips off of the diving board into the pool during the morning. We roasted marshmallows, sautéd mushrooms and pan-fried shrimp, crab, oysters, and clams on the open bonfire throughout the afternoon hours, as well as finally soaking up the ninety-five degree weather while we lay on the trampoline feeling the refreshingly cool water from the sprinkler shooting up at us throughout the night before.

My sister, our buddies Jim and Crystal and I were lying down on the trampoline in our slopping sweat/water filled bathing suits. As the sun was rising above the evergreen trees surrounding our patio, the one hundred degree rays were tanning our stomachs, and our bodies were waking us up as they screamed for cooler conditioning.

Still pretty groggy from the night before and the exhausting heat, the ladies turned to face us guys on their left. Exuberantly tapping us on the shoulders and stomachs, one of them breathlessly suggested, "Good golly, it is going to be another mighty hot day. Do you guys want to go down to the swimming hole and soak in the cool water of the creek?"

Looking back at them, we answered, "Sounds fabulous to us. We can also catch some fish and fry them in lemon juice down there as well."

Heading inside the house, we guys grabbed our brightly-colored fishing backpacks and our ruby red and aqua blue fishing poles, solid sun yellow lures and turtle green bobbins. Then we headed back outside and hopped on to our bikes.

Seeing that we were exuberant about getting there, the ladies swiftly swept up their bikes as well and headed after us. Catching up to us as we got to the top of our street, the women called out, "Hey you guys! Why don't we just wait for grandma to get back home? Then she can drive us there and pick us up. That way, we don't freeze on the way back. Especially when we are going to be soaking wet!"

Stopping as we got to the top of the hill, we men looked at the red/black roses and fifty-seven foot cedar trees filled with squirrel and miraculously-decorated birds' nests, the elaborate shades of pink on the cherry blossoms and the cotton puffing mildly in the summer breeze. The whole time we were breathing in the revivifying smells, taking in huge whiffs of the natural oils, spicy cedar aromas and the pleasantly fresh cherries.

We turned our heads back to them and answered, "Well we could do that. But, do you girls really want to be on a set schedule? If we ride our bikes, we can have the whole day to swim and fish. We'll be swimming to cool off from the morning heat, then drying and warming back up in the afternoon while we fish. We can relax to the cooler rays when the sun starts to go behind the clouds. By the way, we are already soaking wet!"

The gals smiled and rode up to us. "That sounds real good" said Crystal. "But you forgot a few details. We will also be warming up to a huge fire and enjoying a fabulous fish lunch!"

Being a bunch of smartasses, we just looked at them with real stupid faces and called back "Well duh! That is if we cavemen can learn how to operate these here modern devices." Pulling the lighters out of our pockets, we "dorks" sarcastically ran our fingers over the flame. I yelled, "Yea, flame hot! Make for good roasting fish. That is, if we guys can remember not to cook selves. Got to remember, body parts need to keep away from flame. Even if flaming food tries jumping out of pan at you. Need to make sure food is dead today. No cooking it while alive!"

We got on our bikes and I excitedly sped ahead of everybody else. Getting a load of turbulence, I jumped onto my bike's back pegs, staring at the cloudless, clear blue sky, I popped a wheelie and coasted straight ahead. Seeing that I was coming upon a three-way intersection, I started to slow down. Right as I slowed down though, I got to a bad spot. A woman blew twenty miles over the speed limit into the bike lane and hit me.

The others saw me bounce off the windshield and fly into the ditch. They looked me at lying there and saw blood dripping out of a split in my head. Through the split they could see a pink, gray and brown lump of ripped brain. My right leg was bent round to the back of my head. Pink tendons and blue veins were ripped out and lying in a pile beside me. My back was torn open all the way, with white shards of broken bone and spine sticking out as well as pieces of my skin swaying lifelessly and flapping in the wind. Lastly, both my arms were bent backwards at the elbow, with shards of broken elbow in crumbles beside me.

My sister threw her bike down, ran up to the woman, who was getting out of her car, grabbed her by the shirt, yanked her down to her level, and started yelling, "What the fuck did you do? How the hell can you be so damn incompetent? You were too stupid to watch where the fuck you were going and you killed my brother! He's lying in the ditch like he was murdered in a horror film!"

The lady started sobbing, snot dripping from her nose. She stuck out her bottom lip and whimpered, "I'm so sorry honey! He just came out of nowhere."

The other two threw their bikes down. John hollered, "How the hell did he just pop out of nowhere? It's not like he rode out of in front of you! You incompetent boob! You drove into the wrong lane, the one that's supposed to be for bikers and crushed him!"

The woman who was now sobbing uncontrollably, whined, "I know, sorry. The least I can do for you is let you call an ambulance and we can try to get him to safety." Shaking now, she handed my sister her phone.

My sister grabbed the phone, her entire body trembling. She dialed nine-one-one. She stuttered and cried as she spoke to the dispatcher. "My brother was hit by a car. I don't know if he is breathing. I think he might be dead! We are on the northern side of Central highway, right by Sunset Pond. Hurry, hurry, hurry, I do not want my brother to die!"

The dispatcher responded, "I am so sorry darling! Don't worry, I will get someone on their way ASAP! Don't start worrying, I will not let your brother die!"

It took the ambulance about five minutes to get from the hospital to where we were. When they got there, they immediately put me on a stretcher. Because I was not breathing they attached an Ambu-bag to my face to force air into my lungs.

When we finally arrived at the hospital, I was immediately sent to the emergency room and they put a new tracheotomy in me. They did this by:

1. Finding the bulge in my neck where my Adam's apple was.

2. Having one doctor move his finger about one inch down my neck until he felt another lump, the cricoid cartilage.

3. Now that they were right between my cricothyroid glands, they were ready to make the incision.

4. The doctor then grabbed a razor blade and made a one inch horizontal incision. The incision was about half an inch deep into my trachea.

5. He then pinched the incision open and slid his finger into it, making sure it was the right size.

6. Now that the hole was made, he put a trach tube inside of it. This was about one inch in depth.

7. Finally, he attached me to a ventilator, a mechanical breathing machine. Watching my chest rise, he was satisfied with his part.

"Now that we got the man breathing, we will get him healing!" he...