JOAN

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Joan has lived in apartment 1A practically her whole life. Her parents moved there when she was three, right before her brother was born. With the expectation of a third child, Joan's parents realized that they needed larger living quarters to house their growing family. So, forty five years ago Joan, her older sister Susan, and her parents moved into the building. The apartment, a large three bedroom, faced the street which permitted it to be flooded with sunlight during the afternoon hours; an occurrence that was very pleasing to Joan. Joan's sister was eight years her senior, and although Susan was kind to Joan, the difference in their ages was too remarkable for them to be friends. Joan though, was very attached to her mother.

When her mother became pregnant with her brother, Joan and her mother spoke about how it would be when Joan became a big sister. To Joan a little brother or sister would be like having a doll, maybe like the one she played with during the day and slept with at night. She did not think it would change her relationship with her mother; she would be her mother's little girl just like before. Reality though, can often shock and traumatize our senses. Joan was not prepared for the loss of her mother's attention. She did not understand the enormous amount of energy and time her mother needed to devote to her infant's constant demands. To state that Joan was jealous is to underemphasize the discomfort and even bewilderment Joan experienced when her brother Fred was brought home. Susan to her credit, tried to fill the empty space her mother left. She offered to play with Joan and spend time taking her to the neighborhood park. But Joan was inconsolable and Susan soon gave up. To complicate things further, Joan's father was delighted that he now had a son, an heir to carry on his name; a very important and meaningful event in this Jewish household. Joan became aware that her brother, who occupied so much of her beloved mother's attention, was also, it seemed, a preferred child.

Like most children, Joan learned to live with her interloper of a brother. She tried to like him in order to please her mother who enlisted her assistance by telling her she was mommy's helper. Joan went along with it; it allowed her to spend time with her mother. Happy she was not. And then the event that was to change her life occurred.

It happened one week day afternoon when Joan, her mother and her brother Fred were in the kitchen. Her mother was preparing to feed Fred who was ten months old. He was sitting in his high chair, one of those old fashioned tall wooden seats with a tray attached where food was placed. Joan's mother had her back to her children. Joan was teasing her brother by dangling a toy rattle in front of him. He was attempting to grab for it. He leaned forward with a thrust and over went the high chair, Fred and all. Fred was thrown from the high chair and hit his head on the tiled kitchen floor. Joan's mother, startled by the crashed, turned to find her baby boy lying unconscious at her feet. Hysterical, she screamed at Joan, `what did you do?' Joan, terrified said she was playing with Fred. Her mother screamed over and over, "what did you do, what did you do?" Panicked, Joan's mother grabbed both children, and sped to the pediatrician's office which was only a couple of blocks away. Upon examining Fred, the doctor called an ambulance and Fred, her mother and Joan were sped to the local hospital. A massive hemorrhage was discovered in Fred's brain requiring him to be put on a respirator to aid in his breathing. Joan's father and sister soon joined Joan and her mother at the hospital. For several days the family waited for news that Fred would be able to be brought home, that he would be found healthy and that the family would be able to resume their life. Such news never arrived. Fred never regained consciousness and was pronounced dead two weeks later.

Grief-stricken, the family tried to resume their lives. Joan's father, heartbroken at the loss of his son, needed someone to blame. Joan's mother became the target of his rage. Why was she not watching the children? How could she have let such a thing happen? Unable to come to terms with his loss, unable to forgive his wife, Joan's father withdrew from the family. He no longer played with his children or discussed things with Joan's mother. He would go to work and come home, watch TV and go to bed, barely speaking to anyone. Depressed and angry he would bark out orders to his daughters and wife. Joan's mother, grieving herself, felt abandoned by her husband and secretly felt guilty that she had not prevented the tragic loss. Although she realized that Joan was just a child herself and could not rationally be held responsible for what had occurred, she blamed the situation on her, accusing her of the ensuing loss of affection and resulting family dysfunction.

How was a four year old child to understand the dramatic change in her parents' attitude and behavior toward her? How could she possibly comprehend what had happened to her brother? Needless to say though, she was now convinced that she was bad and what was occurring was her fault. She not only lost her parents love, but her own valued sense of self. Her sister Susan was becoming a teenager with all the challenges implied in that transition. She turned to her peers for solace, emotional support and friendship. Slowly she slipped away from the family. At the age of eighteen she left for college and never returned home.

Joan funneled her energies into her schoolwork. She was an A student bringing home test papers that any parent would be proud to receive. She devoted herself to being a good daughter; to regaining her mother's affection. She became very sensitive to her mother's emotional and physical needs, always aware of the shifts that would occur on a regular basis. She stood clear of her father whose rage frightened her. She had a few girlfriends but her social life took a back seat to her main interest, her mother.

After graduating from high school Joan, who never considered going away to college (even though her grades were high enough to have gotten her into numerous schools), got an office job working as a Girl Friday in a small manufacturing company. Joan was one of three people who occupied the small downtown office. Each day Joan left the apartment at 8 A.M., took public transportation to the city's business district arriving at her office at 9A.M. Each day at noon she bought her lunch at the deli situated on the ground floor of the office building. She ate lunch at her desk so she could continue working. The same diligent habits that resulted in her achievements in school were applied to her work situation and she soon came to be an invaluable asset to her employer. The praise and admiration so lacking at home, Joan was able to attain from her boss. It was no wonder that her job became her whole life.

Twenty two years were spent working at the manufacturing company. Joan left only after the company went under financially and was forced to close its doors. During fifteen of those years Joan carried on an affair with one of the firm's salesmen, a married man named Steve. Steve never promised to leave his wife and children for Joan, nor did Joan ask or want him to...