CHAPTER 1

The Ideal

Girls
are like apples
on trees. The best ones
are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

- Anonymous

Why the List?

Let's talk about the basics. Sometimes writing stuff downhelps. That's easy, right? It helps you focus. And really, ithelps you reevaluate. Think of the difference between goingto the grocery store with a list and without a list.

With a list, you might not stray away from your "must-haves."Sure, there might be a great sale on tomato soupor toothpaste, but generally, you are going to get thingson your list first. When you have a list in front of you, youdon't forget. When you have a list, the choices are clear andconcise.

Without a list, you base your purchases on how hungryyou are and end up grabbing random items you don't need,like pretzel-covered peanut-butter snacks. You might, in fact,wind up with duplicates. The reevaluation begins when youstare at your half-full grocery cart as you wait in line andrealize that you don't really need half the stuff that you putin your cart. More often than not, you forget the one thingyou went shopping for in the first place because it wasn't soapparent when you were browsing the shelves.

The List: Help or Hindrance?

Should a grocery list really be compared to a list ofcharacteristics for a potential mate, someone you would liketo spend the rest of your life with? I say yes.

One of my interviews was with a woman in her fiftieswho mentioned that the list should be used as a frameworkor guideline only, and that you should not get tied down tothe list.

Here's another shopping analogy. In her book Marry Him:The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, Lori Gottlieb talksabout being either a satisfier or a maximizer. A satisfier goesto a clothing store looking for a sweater. She finds one shelikes—the price, the fit, and the color. The satisfier buys thesweater and takes it home. The satisfier is ... well, satisfiedwith the purchase. At the same time, the maximizer goesinto the same store, sees the same sweater, and finds thingswrong with it. The color isn't the exact shade she wants, thebuttons are too distracting, and it's made of wool and shewas really looking for a poly-cotton blend. The maximizerthinks the sweater is okay but also thinks that there mustbe something better. There might be a sale at the GAP, orNordstrom might have the new fall collection already, orbetter yet, eBay might have something similar for less money.So the maximizer leaves the store and goes for the hunt,looking at several stores trying to find that perfect sweater.Alas, after some time, the maximizer comes back to theoriginal store only to realize that the sweater is gone—thesatisfier bought it.

Bottom line, don't be too picky or get caught up in toomuch detail. But what's the fine line?

According to J. M. Kearns's Shopping for Mr. Right,"Shop all the time, and when you see a good one, make yourmove ... but a chance sighting of someone who could reallybe your life partner is so rare and so precious that it needs tobe acted on" (Kearns 2011, 89). Good stuff.

Potato Soup versus Lobster Theory

Which one is more expensive—potato soup or lobster? Well,that's easy. The market-price lobster is more expensive. Whichone is more rare? That's an easy question too. Which one isricher in flavor? The lobster keeps on winning! Of course, thisanalogy doesn't really apply to those who don't eat seafood.But what if the lobster was a steak—a porterhouse sixteen-ouncesteak? And I'm sure there are vegetarian options thatare either high class or lowball.

How does this analogy pertain to dating and the list,you ask? Here's how: Why go through life with potato soupwhen you can have a lobster diet? Why do people settle forsomething mediocre if they could have a delicacy? Are peopleinherently lazy? Is a lobster too difficult to recognize? Or isthe search for lobster so time consuming and frustrating thatpeople tire of it and settle for something not quite so uniqueand rare?

Case in point. I knew someone who did just that. Hewas tired of being alone. Lucky for him an attractive girlcame his way, and he was enamored. He forgot everythingthat he stood for—so for once he could feed his ego withsomeone whom he never thought would ever associate withhim. His emotions and self-doubt took over, and all he couldsee were her 100-watt smile and her perfect skin. He fell fora...