CHAPTER 1

Knowing When to Shut Up

We all know people who are so enamored with the sound of theirown voices that it's impossible to get a word in edgewise. That'sbad enough if you're trying to have an ordinary conversation,and it's worse if you're trying to collaborate with someone. Solet's consider the single most important thing to do when you'recommunicating one-to-one, especially when you're communicatingwith subordinates at work: shut up.

What? You're the manager! That's true, and if you want to talkuntil the cows come home, no one who reports to you is likelyto stop you. If you're trying to be an effective, respected manager,however, you must realize that what you have to say is much lessvaluable than anything your subordinates might have to say to you.But there's a problem:

People, by their nature, don't communicate.

Even under the best of circumstances, it can be incredibly difficultto get someone to open up and communicate freely. Many peoplehave a natural distrust of their leadership that can only be overcomewith many months, if not years, of positive contact. When yourteams learn that you listen to them, you take their ideas to heart,you actively work to resolve their complaints, and you never simplylie to them outright, they will slowly come to trust your leadership.But this will never happen if you do not give them the opportunityto open their mouths in the first place.

So Shut Up Already!

Someone comes to you with a question, and you answer it. Thatseems simple enough, right? But the instinct to speak, to answer aquestion before it is completely asked—or before the real questionhas actually been asked at all—is as strong as the gravity emanatingfrom a black hole. And just when we think we're being helpful,we're actually throwing away the most important potential of theconversation: useful feedback, a thoughtful idea, or helpful criticism.And we're quashing any chance we might have of eventuallyforming a trusted bond with that team member.

"But I let him ask the question!" you say. Did you really? Jumping induring (or immediately following) your visitor's initial monologuemight make you feel like you've handled the situation well, butunless it really was an utterly simple question—"What time is thatmeeting again?"—your employee will leave your office feeling likethe conversation was a waste of time. He didn't make the pointshe really wanted to make, and he didn't get to the true questionsor problems that were bothering him.

And he isn't going to blame himself for that. He's going to blame you.

What you really need is the ability to hold your tongue. It is vitalto let your employee speak until he has said everything he wantsto say. When I'm having a discussion about anything even remotelymore complicated than the time of day, I will usually do somethingto actively remind me to shut up—literally bite my tongue, sit ona hand, or clench my teeth together. I want my people to openup to me and give me all the ideas, comments, or criticisms thatthey have. And they'll never do it if I start "fixing" their problemsbefore I find out what the problems really are.

One Mississippi, Two Mississippi ...

But shutting up isn't enough on its own. There's another criticalelement to listening: waiting for more. After your visitor has gottenthrough his points and he closes his mouth, delay opening yourmouth even longer. You may find it hard to believe, but even at thepoint when you think it's your turn, chances are very good that yourguest hasn't actually said everything on his mind. Whether it's anidea he thinks is a little too far out on the fringe, or a criticism thathe thinks you might not want to hear, he hasn't brought it up yet.

This is when I use my rule of "Seven Mississippi." Yes: I literallystart counting it out in my head. When you allow an awkwardsilence to fall over the discussion, your guest will start feeling likeit's his obligation to get the dialogue going again. And then he'llstart trying to figure out what the heck he can say next. Chancesare, he will dive down into some of those as-yet-unsaid items hedidn't cover initially. That's when he'll get to the sweet chewycenter of what he really had to say in the first place.

I'll be the first to admit it: it can definitely feel a little funky toallow that silence to build over what seems like a seven-secondeternity. But it's absolutely worth it when the other person startstalking again and you realize that now you're getting to the realmeat of the matter.

Ask, Don't Tell

But sometimes "Seven Mississippi" isn't enough to get someonetalking. Even though you've kept your mouth shut, even thoughyou've waited, you may have the strong sensation that there issomething left unsaid. In that case, you must nudge your guest tobring it out. So instead of jumping into your part of the discussion,ask a simple question that encourages your visitor to elaborate.Questions that begin with "Could you explain more about ..." or"Why do you feel that ..." will keep the focus on your guest, andwith any luck he'll open the door to that fresh information.

I am rewarded nearly 100 percent of the time for this behavior. It'samazing how a simple clarifying question can lead to data that younever would have heard if you hadn't shut up and listened.

The Reward

It sometimes takes practice, and it always takes patience. But if youshut up long enough to listen long enough, and you use strategicquestions to draw out more information, your people will eventuallytell you whatever it is they need to say. And when they do, theywill feel that the time...