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Steering Your Marriage

iUniverse, Inc.

Contents

Preface.....................................................................................xiIntroduction................................................................................xvChapter 1. From Familiar Ruts to New Directions.............................................1Chapter 2. A Safe Journey: Paving the Way to Intimacy.......................................19Chapter 3. Eyes on The Road: Practicing Mindfulness.........................................37Chapter 4. An Open Window: Acceptance and Forgiveness.......................................51Chapter 5. Toward the Horizon: Commitment and Intention.....................................65Chapter 6. Financing the Journey: Money Issues..............................................77Chapter 7. A New Direction: The Journey with a Child with Special Needs.....................91Chapter 8. Terminals: The Death of a Child..................................................103Chapter 9. Changing Lanes: Relocation and Career Moves......................................117Chapter 10. Backroads: The Pull from Ailing Parents.........................................131Chapter 11. The End of the Road: Chronic Illness and Letting Go.............................141Chapter 12. Diverging Paths.................................................................157Epilogue....................................................................................169Bibliography................................................................................171Online Resources............................................................................179Index.......................................................................................185

Chapter One

The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. —Samuel Johnson

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. —Rita Rudner

When you drive to work, you probably have a regular route locked into your commute. You drive down the same road every day, even though there might be a lengthy traffic light or a pothole-lined street much in need of repair. Another route might be just as convenient, but you don't take it because it's unfamiliar. We like our routines because they are comforting and require little mental and emotional work. To discover a faster, more convenient, or more pleasant route requires thought and effort.

Relationship patterns like these also grow and quickly embed themselves in a marriage. You and your spouse probably have heard yourselves say, "Here we go again; it's the same discussion we've been having for the past ten years!" Like many people, you and your partner may find yourselves falling into these well-worn exchanges very quickly. Most often, people inherit the assumptions about emotions, family rituals, and personal values from their parents, yet they rarely reflect on them. In some instances these unrecognized aspects of your identity and your past can become serious roadblocks in the course of a committed relationship.

The Furrowed Road

In my consulting office, I frequently hear these sorts of complaints from people who find themselves at odds with their partners: "You're turning into my mother!" or "We're stuck in a rut."

Most of these couples are surprised to find themselves in this position. During the passionate early stages of their courtship, they were convinced they had found the man or woman who met most of their needs; they believed they had found the path to romantic and sexual happiness. A few years into their marriage, they find themselves miles away from this blissful place.

Many couples describe a gradual decrease in marital satisfaction. Some may find that their marriage was built on a sandy foundation, with little holding them together in the way of interests, values, and life goals. Despite the best intentions, some couples, five or ten years into their marriage, are surprised to hear echoes from their childhood. They find themselves repeating unpleasant patterns of intereaction with their spouses that are all too familiar, patterns stemming from their childhood.

Spinning Wheels

A middle-aged couple consulted with me over the course of several months, as the wife, Lori, was feeling increasingly resentful about her demanding role in the marriage. In addition to working full time, she was the primary caregiver to the couple's two children. Things came to a head in the marriage when the husband, Jay, developed colitis. He became increasingly dependent on Lori and frequently complained to her about his symptoms. Their discussions on this topic spiraled into heated arguments, with Jay accusing Lori of insensitivity and Lori retaliating by proclaiming Jay to be her "third child," yet feeling guilty for not being more understanding.

As I encouraged them to explore their own personal narratives about illness and care-giving, a striking picture emerged. Lori had grown up as the eldest of four children in a family with a depressed mother who relied heavily on Lori to help with chores and care for the younger siblings. In contrast, Jay, an only child, had been raised by parents whose very active social life often required them to leave him in the charge of babysitters. Only when he was home with a fever or a stomach virus did he feel that his mother focused on him in an attentive and nurturing way.

As we delved into these different narratives, Lori and Jay began to explore what meaning these memories held for them and became curious about how these patterns manifested themselves in their marriage. Lori, initially irritable and resentful, cried as she identified her conflicting wishes to be needed by her mother while wanting to be babied at times herself. She had pushed away these softer feelings yet had continued to hold on to old resentments about having to be the competent caregiver. Jay, on the other hand, articulated that he often felt that he could only express his need for caring and comfort in sickness. This exploration of unmet needs and wishes enabled this couple to begin down a new road together. Lori offered Jay more positive attention and warmth when he contributed to the household, and Jay became more attentive to Lori's need for caring and tenderness.

The emotional and interpersonal learning that you do as a child is essential to the development of your identity, your perceptions, and your patterns of social interaction. Harville Hendrix, the noted couples' therapist, has observed that, unbeknownst to us, we often seek in our mate someone we believe will help us complete our unfinished childhood business. Until we understand where we've been, it really is hard to know why we've chosen a particular partner with whom to journey through life. It helps to study those roadmaps from the past. In fact, couples who develop a dialogue around how feelings, conflicts, and challenges were handled in each other's original family are better equipped to understand and manage their differences.

As an example, a man raised with the traditional saw "boys don't cry" might break down in tears early on in his relationship with his partner, perhaps following the loss of a grandparent or an argument with a friend. While such an open expression of emotion may seem entirely...