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Smiles Poems ... Thoughts to Ponder

By Stephen Paul Tolmie

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2012 Stephen Paul Tolmie
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4685-5380-2

Chapter One

Smiles

... to help lighten your day

Smiles

These smiles came to me via email but decided I wanted to share them with you ...

I was in the six-item express lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line, pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward; looked into the cart and asked sweetly ... "So, which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if this happened more often?

The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under all the laws they have already have passed.

Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

First Woman: "You're a widow, aren't you?"

Second Woman: "I am and may my husband rest in peace ... till I get there."

First Woman: "Has there been any insanity in your family?"

Second Woman: "Yeah. My husband thinks he is the boss."

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old" the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

* * *

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the Priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

* * *

Three friends from the local congregation were asked ... "When you're in your casket and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say 'Look, he's moving'!"

* * *

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request dear," he said. "Of course John" his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die, I want you to marry George" he said. "But I thought you hated George" she said.

With his last breath, John said "I do!"

* * *

A man went to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

Very surprised by this, the Rabbi asked, "How can that be?"

The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offered this advice. "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later, the Rabbi called the man and said, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said "Yes!" ... And the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

* * *

A friendly look ...
A kindly smile ...
One good act ...
And life's worthwhile.
Smiling is infectious.
You can catch it like the flu.
Someone smiled at me today ...
And I started smiling too!

Smile ... sunshine is good for your teeth!

If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine!

... these smiles came from a friend via internet ...

Words Of Wisdom

First Woman: "You're a widow aren't you?"

Second Woman: "I am and may my husband rest in peace ... till I get there."

First Woman: "Has there been any insanity in your family?"

Second Woman: "Yeah. My husband thinks he's the boss."

* * *

I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful driver. I pointed out that if she was in an accident, the paper's going to print her REAL AGE.

I always let my husband do the talking ... I just do the contradicting.

We women are angels. And when somebody breaks our wings, we simply fly on broomsticks. We are "flexible" like that.

Fine Wine

From a woman ... "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

From a man ... "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then they turn full-bodied with age; go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

We women know why men like to go fishing. It's because that's the only time anyone says ... "Wow! That's a big one!"

My Job Search Smile For The Day!!!

(This is quite clever. I wonder who thinks up all this stuff.)

My first job was working in an orange juice factory; but I got canned ... COULDN'T CONCENTRATE.

Then I got a job in the woods as a lumberjack; but just couldn't hack it. So they gave me THE AXE.

After that I tried being a tailor; but wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a SEW-SEW job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory; but that was too EXHAUSTING.

Then I tried being a chef ... figured it would add a little spice to my life; but just didn't have the THYME.

Next, I attempted being a deli worker; but any way I sliced it ... couldn't cut THE MUSTARD.

My best job was a musician; but eventually found I wasn't NOTEWORTHY.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor; but didn't have any PATIENCE.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; tried hard but just didn't FIT IN.

I became a professional fisherman; but discovered I couldn't live on my NET WORTH.

Then I got a job in a workout centre; but they said I wasn't FIT FOR THE JOB.

I tried working at Starbuck's but had to quit because it was just the same OLD GRIND.

Then I tried RETIREMENT and found I am PERFECT for the job!

How To Tell The Sex Of A Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies", he replied.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep ... 3 males and 2...