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Matchless

AuthorHouse

Chapter One

Here I was, Mr. Anonymous, driving with a small suitcase in my compact SUV to move back to Mom's after twenty-five years away. I left my home and the big lawn (good riddance), my wife (thank God), and my kids (this hurt) and our dog (this hurt too). Looking back, I missed the dog more than I missed my former wife, which tells you something about my marriage. I am not going to dwell here, but you know the old adage: if selfish were a picture in the dictionary, it would be of her—and she would be on the front cover and smiling! There are three kinds of people in this world: those who get, those who give, and those who get and give. Only the last one is enduring. You would think we were a perfect match—I would give, and she would get. But no one can live like that forever—although she can and still does! For that reason alone, she is a remarkable woman. However, I do have to concede that she always did give me one thing: blame.

My situation was settling in on me, and I embraced my new life as a divorced man—with needs—so I thought of dating. It had been two weeks since my separation, and I was ready—or at least I thought I was ready. I know that seems soon, but as I said, "I have needs." So I pondered the present and moved boldly to the future.

Now, you must recognize my situation: I lost most of my friends in the divorce—like everything else, she kept them. So I was stepping out on my own, almost totally, except for one guy—let's call him Sean y, a thirty-something I work with, forever single, good looking, fun, knows what's going on—so I sought his advice. Being a man of brief words, he simply said, "Internet dating". Those words just hung in the air as I pondered the meaning—and I liked it, I wanted in.

Chapter Two

I asked myself, How does one get started in the world of Internet dating? My only advice came from my new dating consigliere, Sean: "They're all the same. Just pick one, and it will walk you through it." You must understand that the last time I was dating, Mark Zuckerberg was probably in diapers, Twitter was a birdcall, and Vice President Gore was just getting starting on the Internet. My only computer was an old Commodore 64 that I used only to play some old golf game, just to hear it say, "That'll play," when I made a good shot. So this was all new to me ... but I pressed on.

I ran out to the local Starbucks for a large coffee—I never say "venti"; that bothers me for some reason. I thought about trying to strike up a conversation with the coffee lady, who was about my age, then thought not and ran home to get started. I Googled "Internet dating" and was overwhelmed by the choices—over nine hundred dating sites. I picked up the phone to consult Sean, and he suggested Manhunt.net. I questioned the name, but he assured me it was perfect for me. So I logged on—and soon realized that to use this site, I would need to alter my sexual preference (or I might need a new consigliere. Everybody is a comedian).

I settled on Match.com, because it looked free—or so I thought. As it turns out, all the sites charge if you want to contact someone, but it is well worth the money. I jumped in, ready to provide all the information to get started—and was instantly stuck in my tracks. Screen name? What the hell is a screen name? Why can't they just assign one? Screen names are very important—critical, in fact—and they can speak volumes about you. Are you funny? Creative? Practical? Romantic? Four hours later, I decided to use my initials and my birth date—not sure what that says about me, but at least I was getting in the game.

Internet Dating Tip: This is more for the ladies. (Remember, first impressions are critical to getting a response.) Come up with a decent screen name or just use your first name or initials and a birth date—please! Why? I found the following screen names during a ten-minute search on just one dating site. Here is what we men are thinking when we see names like these:

• "oldfashionvalues" (Will I ever get any?) • "scorpio" or "piscesgirl" (Get over the '60s and "What's your sign?" Does that even work anymore?) • "anyhonestonesleft" (No!) • "allotogive" (Probably a constant headache.) • "kittymeow" (WARNING: psychotic cat lady. Avoid at all costs.) • "stalker" (Really? I can't wait to give you a wink.) • "blahblah" (I would reach out to her.)

Now I was ready for the fun part: crafting my Internet identity. I answered every question, provided all the information, pertinent and otherwise ... and encountered my first problem. I am and always have been a very honest person. I was to learn, soon enough, that this is not the norm on Internet dating sites. I answered all the questions and completed my profile in half the time it took me to come up with a screen name. Everyone: be honest with your profiles. Men look at the photo, interests, job, and education—in that order. I am not sure for women but I would guess the order is education, job, interests, and then the photo; thus, the problem. As for me, I look at "political view" (if that's offered) right after the photo—as I learned to do after one date with an economically well-off, bleeding-heart, Obama- voting liberal. That was enough for me—never again. I'd rather remain celibate for life.

Internet Dating Tip: Do not indicate your income—you lose either way. If you make a lot of money, you will attract dependents, not dates. If you make too little money, you will attract no one. Since money is relative in every sense of the word, but you do not know what that relation is, just don't answer this question. Internet Dating Tip: Be honest. If you have never once in your life played tennis but think you might like it, and if you require mobility assistance to get off the couch to get a bag of fried pork rinds, just don't check the box. This is meant to be a profile of what you are like now and what you like to do now—not what you think you would like to become or take up some day. Internet Dating Tip: This one is for the creators of dating websites. Please provide more honest choices for activities and interests, as this would help everyone. For example:

Women: What do you like to do with your leisure time?

• Complain on the phone • Watch the Lifetime network 24/7 • Work, and if not working, talk only about work • Nothing • Supplement my food budget through Internet dating

Men: What do you like to do in your leisure time?)

• Complain about my ex-wife • Face paint and attend indoor-arena football games • Watch the Golf network 24/7 • Attend YMCA sensitivity workshops • Spend six hours on a Sunday afternoon at the Chinese Buffet.

My profile was finished—or so I thought—so I closed the screen and was immediately asked for a picture. Again, I was stuck. Should I skip this, or go buy a digital camera? My former wife—the one who kept everything—kept all the cameras too. So I...