Introduction to Coercive Control

When 23-year-old Lily's boyfriend, Dave, started quizzing her about where she had been and she caught him examining her phone, she decided Dave was "a jerk" and broke up with him immediately. Dave texted her several times a day for a couple of weeks, and once she saw him sitting in his car outside her workplace. But that was the end of it.

Mandy, age 35, did not see her situation so clearly. After the whirlwind courtship in which Tom showered her with cards and flowers, Mandy married him. Then he started asking Mandy for details about how she had spent her day, with whom she had spoken and for how long. Tom complained about how much time Mandy talked on the phone with her mother and sister. They had their first real fight when Mandy arrived home with short hair, and Tom was angry that she had cut it without asking for his opinion. She promised to grow it long again. It seemed as if nothing she did pleased him. Over time, Mandy noticed fewer loving moments and felt increasingly anxious about Tom catching her doing "something wrong." With two children at home and feeling worse and worse about herself, Mandy felt trapped.

Lily and Mandy were not simply unlucky in love; they were victims of coercive control. Coercive control strips away victims' independence, sense of self, and basic rights, such as the right to make decisions about their own time, friends, and appearance.

Coercive control shows up in a variety of relationships. This book focuses on the most common situation: where a man uses coercive control against a woman who is his partner in an intimate relationship. Chapter 5 discusses coercive control in same-sex relationships and in heterosexual relationships where the woman dominates the man.

Many men who use coercive control also abuse their wives and girlfriends physically or sexually, sometimes causing severe or even fatal injuries. Others limit themselves to slapping, pushing, grabbing, and other types of force that might look mild to outsiders who don't see how frequently they occur and the fear they cause over time. Violence is one among many tactics of a strategy of coercive control. Some men use coercive control without physical violence.

Coercive control can sometimes be found outside romantic and sexual relationships. Coworkers and supervisors sometimes use coercive control at the workplace. And we find a similar dynamic in cults and other organizations, on sports teams, and in the military, especially during basic training. However, intimate relationships are especially ensnaring. The controller may have access to the victim around the clock and knows her daily routine. He may also know things about her that she has shared with no one else, such as her secret hopes and fears. She may have told him about experiences that she does not want to become public. He uses these secrets to control and hurt her.

Outsiders may not be able to see the signs of coercive control in a couple. The men who use it often make a good impression in other settings. Much of society still thinks men's control over women is just the way things are, and that what happens in couples is their private business. All this adds to a woman's sense of being imprisoned by her partner.

Victims of coercive control often feel like hostages. Over time, being grilled, criticized, and shamed may come to seem routine. Victims often blame themselves as they feel despairing and disoriented. It can be hard for them to figure out exactly what's wrong. Isolated and humiliated, some women lose confidence and accept their partner's view of reality. They may have trouble deciding whether their partners are doing and saying hurtful things out of love and concern—as claimed—or out of cruelty. They may feel confused as they are told again and again that they themselves have triggered their partner's behaviors by doing something wrong. At the same time, to keep the peace in their relationship, victims may detach from family and friends, contacting them less and less often until they lose touch with many of the people they care about most. Unfortunately, the victims typically do not see the connection between their partner's control and their own isolation until time has passed. Losing self-confidence and close relationships at the same time can be paralyzing.

Women who get caught in the web of a controlling man are no different from other women. They just had the bad luck to become involved romantically with a controlling person at a time when they were especially vulnerable. Once a controlling man has caught a woman in his web, he will do everything he can to prolong the relationship.

Victims of coercive control come from all racial, ethnic, and religious backgrounds. They live in mansions, trailer parks, city apartments, and suburban and rural homes. Often victims of coercive control keep up a happy front because they feel ashamed or because their partner demands it. Sometimes other people sense that something is wrong, but are not sure what. The woman may appear unusually shy, lonely, meek, or even disturbed. It may be obvious to other people that she is being controlled, or the control may remain perfectly hidden.

People who exert control often look charming on the surface. To outsiders, they may even seem like ideal partners when they take over all crucial decisions. Some abusers appear eager to help others, friendly, romantic, and outgoing, while others seem mean and let their possessiveness show. There is no easy way to spot a person who will someday begin to exercise coercive control over his partner.

When he first meets a woman he likes, a controlling man will often say he wants to support and help her. He may buy her gifts, listen to her stories, and offer her advice about her work and family. He may do chores for her. He may look at her with admiration and think of her success as an extension of his own. If she is with a man like this, a woman initially benefits from his caring and concern. Family and friends may comment about the positive aspects of the relationship, saying, "You are so lucky to have found this man. You will never find another man like him!"

A part of her may feel uneasy, wondering, "What will happen if I don't want to follow his...