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No Window For Me

AuthorHouse

Contents

Acknowledgments.....................ixIntroduction........................xiDay One.............................1Day Two.............................5Day Three...........................7Day Four............................9Day Five............................11Day Six.............................17Day Seven...........................23Day Eight...........................29Day Nine............................35Day Ten.............................41Day Eleven..........................45Day Twelve..........................53Day Thirteen........................67Day Fourteen........................73Day Fifteen.........................77Day Sixteen.........................79Day Seventeen.......................85

Chapter One

I've just finished talking to Yvette. We talked about our failed marriage. I called to let her know that I knew she was dating someone. The pain of knowing this is unbearable. I am begging God to please help me, to please take this pain away. I am asking God to please forgive me for everything I have done and to please take this pain away. I've never had this much pain before. I am asking him what I did to deserve this. I am so very sorry. Why and how could she throw me away like this? She finally confessed to me that she is dating someone. When I asked if they were sleeping together, she would not answer. I know that means they are. I don't know if I can make it through this.

We've been married seventeen years. We have two wonderful children. I thought we were a beautiful black family. Now we are a statistic. She said she likes nice things and I couldn't give her what she wanted and needed. I thought I was close with her family, and I feel they threw me away also. I am unemployed and have not seen my children but three times this year since our separation on July 19, 2009, and this is May 20, 2010. I don't believe they even miss me.

I know I made mistakes in my marriage, but I was always there. I don't understand how anyone could just throw someone away because of the lack of material things. We've been separated for less than one year. Well, we went back and forth living together at the beginning of the children's school year. Some people said we had the weirdest separation they had seen. Others said it was irresponsible on Yvette's part if she had no intention of us ever getting back together. There were times when she would say for me not to get my hopes up of us ever being together again. Then there were times when she would tell the children that we were trying to work things out. The whole time, I was emotionally numb, not knowing how to respond. In the beginning of that separation, I was technically living with my sister. All of my personal belongings were at my sister's home, with the exception of a few items. I would drive to and from Yvette's house to my sister's home during the week to check on my mother, who also lived with my sister. It was at this time when I began to notice the difference between living in a chaotic environment and living in a peaceful one. I do not know why I even wanted to be in her life. Suddenly, after Christmas of 2009, things began to change again.

My life has spiraled downward the past two years, and I don't know why. Now it is becoming worse. I just received another rejection letter from a company I've had three interviews with. I don't know why this is happening to me. I just beg God to please stop this from happening. I am so sorry for everything I have done! How could she just throw me away like that? I would have never done that to her. Please stop! I am writing this to help me get through this pain, but it is not helping. I have tried and tried to make her happy. She doesn't care how the children feel. I can't eat or sleep. Now she is having sex with another man, after seventeen years of marriage. I just want to die because I am so tired. I now know that I am experiencing depression and have been for some years. I was often unable to express my feelings of discontent with her behavior for fear of her leaving me. I experienced trouble sleeping with so much pressure caused by trying to perform at work and at home, and this is what I get. I gave my life to her. I don't believe this is happening to me. God, please help me. Please!

DAY TWO MAY 21, 2010

I am still in pain and despair, begging for help but knowing that it is over. I am so confused as to why this is happening to me. I did not sleep at all last night; I was crying most of the night—so much that my eyes are hurting. I sent an e-mail to Yvette today asking her how she could do this to me. How could she hurt me this way after all we've been through together? She just threw me away as if I mean nothing. And now she is sleeping with another man and we are not divorced. This is so terribly painful. I know that I'm not the first man to go through this, nor will I be the last. But it doesn't help me to know that. I feel like our situation is different. I never cheated on her or hit her. I didn't drink or do drugs. She blames my job as a restaurant manager for dominating my life, and I couldn't stop it. I believe that it was a contributing factor to my depressive state of mind.

And so I pray even more now, asking God to please help me and to take this pain away. I feel as though her family has thrown me away also. They have not called to see if I am okay. They probably feel that since I am jobless, I am not worth their time. Yvette feels that way also. She said I had the job at T. I., but it did not appear that way to me. But it was another bad decision on my part as I felt I had earned another position with a different company that would pay well and allow me the time to spend with my children. I feel as though I may need some professional counseling; however, so does Yvette. When we talked on the phone last night, I told her that she did not try to help me. She stated that she knew that I showed signs of being depressed; nevertheless, she put more pressure on me to perform to her expectations. She would have demands, and I know that I was in such a mental and emotional fog that I didn't hear her. Why do I even want to be with her? Because, as I told her in the email, if nothing else, we were a family. And now, like so many other black women, she has destroyed it. But I allowed her to do it. I have a headache now.

I've spent most of the day crying my eyes out. Thank God for my sister being here for me. I didn't want her to see me like this. I try not to cry, but I can't help it. The pain is so unbearable as I imagine my wife sexually with another man, being in love with him as if she never really cared about me. The only thing I can think about is how she could do this to me. This is so terrible!

When we were in Mississippi talking with her aunt and uncle, they cautioned us about not having sex with someone while we were still married. My wife said that she would never do that. Even now she says she never slept around on me. Her behavior was that of someone who was single. She often stayed out late at night with her single friends. Sometimes she would offer information, beginning with the fact that she had not ever been unfaithful and yet accusing me of doing so. Now in her eyes we are not married, but legally we are. This is a mess! My life has been a joke! On my tombstone I want it written, "Now what was that about?"

DAY THREE MAY 22, 2010

I've had enough! This has...