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LASTING Transformation

Balboa Press

Contents

Foreword.......................................................................................ixIntroduction: An Overview of the Road Map......................................................xi1. Uncovering the Cover-up.....................................................................3In Practice: Getting to Know Your Cover-ups....................................................192. Transforming Soul Holes into Whole Souls....................................................25In Practice: Transforming Soul Holes into Whole Souls..........................................353. Our Vulnerability Is Our Strength...........................................................37In Practice: The "Checking-In" Process.........................................................484. Vulnerability Is the Key to Intimacy........................................................51In Practice: Using the Formula for Conscious Communication.....................................635. For Men, Mainly.............................................................................65In Practice: Learning to Recognize Anxiety.....................................................786. The Higher Purpose of Relationships.........................................................83In Practice: Getting to Know Your Primary and Disowned Selves..................................967. How Behavioral Change and Transformation Happen.............................................99In Practice: Behavioral Change and Transformation Experiment...................................1118. Grow a Conscious Self-Know Your Inner Self..................................................117In Practice: Disidentification and Self-Identification.........................................1269. Communicating with the Source: The Power of Meditation......................................129In Practice: Developing a Meditation Practice..................................................14310. Accessing Our Intuition....................................................................145In Practice: Listening to Your Intuitive Wisdom................................................15611. The Gift of Faith..........................................................................159In Practice: Transpersonal Inspiration and Psychological Mountain Climbing.....................16912. Repairing Our World: From Self-Serving to the Serving Self.................................173In Practice: Finding Right Livelihood and Discovering Your Serving Self........................188A Summary of the Journey: Life's Rules of the Road.............................................191The Inspiration for This Book and an Inspiration for Our Lives.................................195Acknowledgments................................................................................199Bibliography and Resources.....................................................................205Glossary.......................................................................................211Appendix A - Voice Dialogue: Discovering Our Selves............................................219Appendix B - List of Subpersonalities or Selves................................................223Appendix C - Guided Visualization to Communicate with Your Inner Child.........................225Appendix D - Inner Critic Self-Test............................................................229Appendix E - Primary and Disowned Selves.......................................................233Appendix F - Meditation Practices..............................................................235Appendix G - Additional Resources on Meditation................................................243About the Author...............................................................................247About InnerSource, A Center for Psychotherapy and Healing......................................249

Chapter One

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. -Richard Bach, Illusions

Michael grew up with an alcoholic father who would become enraged when he was drunk. If one of his children tried to hide his alcohol or take it away, he would kick that child out of the house. At one point he actually went after one of Michael's brothers with a kitchen knife. Michael learned to protect himself by covering up his feelings, so that he wouldn't be vulnerable. Instead of feeling hurt by his father's rage, he shut down that part of himself. To regain control, whenever Michael would experience feelings like fear, hurt, anxiety, sadness, loss of control, or being personally threatened in any way, he would get angry. After all, he had learned to protect himself from a master teacher, his father. These defense mechanisms-of shutting down emotionally whenever he felt exposed, and raging at others, both of which he learned to do growing up with his father-became destructive to Michael's relationships as an adult. His anger and need for control would intensify whenever he felt vulnerable. This was responsible, in large part, for the failure of his three marriages. Ironically, the cover-up that Michael created to protect himself was itself the cause of his failure to have the kind of love he so yearned for in his life.

The Cover-up

The culture we live in and the family we are raised in often inadvertently teach us a cover-up that can affect our lives, often producing devastating results. What is this cover-up? It is the process of covering over and negating how, at our most essential level, we are vulnerable. If we find that it's not safe to express our feelings openly or have our needs met early in life, then, like Michael, we develop a system of defense mechanisms to protect, hide, and cover over our hearts.

A baby is totally dependent on its caregivers for survival, nurturance, and love. If a baby's needs for food, water, protection from the elements, and touch are not met, the baby dies. If the needs for affection, love, support, guidance, and healthy mirroring are not met, a part of the baby's emotional makeup dies or becomes disowned; that is, healthy emotions are covered over with an unhealthy expression of feelings to make sure the child isn't hurt even more, or, worse, abandoned. These may include protections like withdrawing or trying to become invisible. A history of hurt from abuse, neglect, or abandonment, which makes a child fearful, lonely, or feel out of control, may cause his or her core sensitivity to go into hiding. If the child doesn't feel safe, then a process begins in which the vulnerable feelings are protected by behavioral, emotional, psychological, spiritual, and relational patterns.

Some children develop other unhealthy ways to express their feelings. These antisocial behaviors are set up to protect them, making sure they don't get hurt or abandoned. So, instead of expressing hurt, sadness, anxiety, or any other vulnerable feeling, children like Michael learn to rage, put up walls, be tough, oppositional, or sarcastic. Some of us put others down to make ourselves feel better, becoming critical, controlling, and domineering. Abuse of alcohol and drugs is also a defense mechanism often used to numb painful feelings.

As children, some of us protect ourselves and...