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The Last Testament: A Memoir: A Memoir by God - Hardcover

God

 
9781451640182: The Last Testament: A Memoir: A Memoir by God
Hardcover
ISBN 10: 1451640188 ISBN 13: 9781451640182
Verlag: Simon & Schuster, 2011

Inhaltsangabe

***NOW A MAJOR BROADWAY SHOW STARRING JIM PARSONS (THE BIG BANG THEORY) AND DIRECTED BY JOE MANTELLO (WICKED)***

Over the course of his long and distinguished career, God has literally seen it all. And not just seen. In fact, the multitalented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety of world history, and the successful transitioning of American Idol into the post–Simon Cowell era. Sometimes preachy, sometimes holier-than-thou, but always lively, The Last Testament is the ultimate celebrity autobiography.

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

God has been grabbing headlines ever since first creating the universe. Indeed, the multi-talented deity has been involved in the development of every single thing that has ever happened, including the Crusades, plate tectonics, and Seinfeld. His previous serious works as an author, The Old Testament, The New Testament, and The Koran, have sold an impressive 5 billion copies, with the first two in particular coming to be collectively regarded as something of a bible of their field.

David Javerbaum is a former head writer and executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He is the coauthor of that show’s bestsellers, America: The Book and Earth: The Book, and author of the pregnancy parody What to Expect When You’re Expected.

Auszug. © Genehmigter Nachdruck. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.

PROLOGUE

1In the beginning, I took a lunch with Daniel Greenberg of the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency.

2 For the future of print was without hope, and void; and darkness had fallen upon the face of the entire publishing industry.

3 So one day Daniel, my agent, whom I have been with forever; by which I do not mean literally “forever,” as I started out unrepresented, but a good 25 years or so;

4 Anyway, Daniel got us a table at Balthazar; for he knows someone there.

5 So we met, and exchanged pleasantries, and sat down, and caught up; and in time I coyly came around to asking him why he wanted to see me, although I knew, and he knew that I knew, and I knew that he knew that I knew; but lo, this is how the game is played.

6 And then, over a frisée aux lardons that they were not serving in heaven then, but they are now, he spoke unto me:

7 “O LORD our God, King of the Universe, here’s what I’m thinking.

8 Thy previous books have sold an impressive six billion copies;

9 They form the basis of three great religions, and five crappy ones;

10 They have been translated into 2,453 languages, including that of a fictional race of TV aliens wearing shoe polish;

11 They can be found in every synagogue, church, mosque, and Comfort Inn in the world;

12 And most importantly, they have done for faith, and ethics, and morality, what The Bartender’s Bible hath done for bartending.

13 But lo, it has been nigh on 14 centuries since thy last book—”

14 “Forget not The Book of Mormon,” I interrupted.

15 “Thy last serious book,” he continued; “and now a pestilence has befallen our tribe; books go unread; bookstores go unpatronized; libraries remain Dork Central;

16 And while digitalization presents an opportunity, it is also a challenge; the paradigm is shifting; I don’t know if thou dost follow the trades, but content-wise—”

17“I follow everything!” I bellowed, using the reverb voice and thunder-rumbling sound that I am wont to employ on such occasions.

18 “Forgive me, LORD,” said Daniel; “I shall rend my garment and grovel in thy sight later.

19 I mean only to say, that if I were to approach major publishing houses with a proposal for God’s last testament, it would make a pretty strong pitch.”

20 “But of what shall it be composed?” I asked, pressing my fork into the poached egg, then idly watching its liberated amber yolk ooze seductively over the farm-fresh chicory.

21 “For I have already imparted all my wisdom, and bestowed all my law, and revealed all my truth;

22 And also I confess to being sore afraid, that I may not have another book in me”;

23 And at this I sighed, and turned away, and did earnestly wonder if I still “had it.”

24 And Daniel said, “Surely this is not the same confident, All-Powerful God who parted the Red Sea, and bore his son through a virgin mother, and . . . and . . . well, I’ve never read the Koran, but I’m sure thou didst some amazing things in there also.

25 Besides, the book I envision is not like unto those.

26 For in the book I envision, thou wouldst revisit thy greatest hits—the Old and New Testaments, and the Koran if thou insistest—but in a manner more in keeping with the modern custom;

27 Meaning, that thou shalt ‘open up’ about their events; and ‘share’ thy feelings; and ‘dish’ about the various public figures therein, thus creating a ‘telleth-all.’

28 (That’s not a bad title, by the way.)

29 Then thou shalt continue the tale by describing thy activities and where abouts over the past one thousand four hundred years; a period I suspect many of thy devotees have a few questions about.

30 And then thou shalt finish with a sneak peek into the future, with perhaps a brief glimpse of what lies in store for the end of the world; which, again, I think may be of some interest to thy hardcore fans.

31 But checketh it out, for here is the best part: Interspersed throughout shall be a series of short essays on matters of contemporary interest; such as natural disasters, and America, and celebrities, and regional athletic contests, and whatever other bits of frivolity thou conceivest;

32 The better to cater to the sensibilities of the modern reader, whose capacity for following unbroken written narrative hath dwindled to the size of a piece of Jonathan Franzen’s neck-stubble.

33 My point, G-Man”—and here Daniel reached across the table and grabbed the hem of my garment in a way few ten-percenters have ever done without an insta-smiting—

34 “Is that I love thee as a deity, and worship thee as an author; so I would have thee find new favor among men, by coming down off thy pedestal and humanizing thyself,

35 That thou might once again top the best-seller list, only this time in the modern era:

36 An era in which, I would remind thee, royalties can be properly accounted for.”

37 Then he fell silent; and long I pondered.

38 Yea, long I pondered; until slowly the ancient desire to spread my word among man that he may glorify me, began to stir in my spirit once more.

39 And the waiter came and separated Daniel’s check from mine; and Daniel picked up both checks; for he saw that that would be good.

© 2011 Bizzu LLC| CHAPTER 3

1But before I speak of humanity’s earliest ancestors, I must here address a subject of great importance to all seekers of truth; but particularly those seekers of truth, who are tenth-graders in Kansas.

2 Over the last several hundred years, scientists have uncovered an obscene amount of evidence in support of the theory of evolution expounded by Charles Darwin.

3 And each such piece of evidence has seemingly revealed a new and more profound inconsistency between reality, and the account of Creation offered in Genesis.

4 Now, I know many of my faithful servants have labored earnestly to reconcile the two; even going so far as to form a new discipline, “creation science”; a phrase carrying roughly the same intellectual heft, as “dragon anatomy.”

5 But by now, the absurdity of this endeavor has surely become apparent to even my most steadfast defenders.

6 And so I must tell thee here, in the spirit of candor, that the evidence for evolution is now indeed so overwhelming, so incontrovertible, so beyond the level of mere “theory,” that it can no longer possibly be denied,

7 How impressive it is, that I planted it all.

8 Because I did.

9 I planted it all.

10 Every . . . last . . . bit of it.

11 Zing!

12 Canst thou grasp the scope of my hoax, humanity?

13 Can thy mortal minds absorb even a drop of the immense ocean constituting the thoroughness of thy punking?

14 If all of thee, working together since the dawn of time, were charged with devoting thy lives to the single task of fabricating all the evidence that exists to support evolution, thou wouldst fail utterly.

15 But I am God; in me all things are fakeable.

16 I molded the fossils; I deposited the dinosaurs; I modified the DNA; I mutated the vestigial tails; I arranged the migratory distributions; I specialized the finch beaks; I booked Darwin’s cruise.

17 And I did more than this: I meticulously layered geological strata; I altered the level of carbon 14 in every rock on...

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Verlag
Simon & Schuster
Erscheinungsdatum
2011
Sprache
Englisch
ISBN 10 
1451640188
ISBN 13 
9781451640182
Einband
Gebundene Ausgabe
Anzahl der Seiten
400
Kontakt zum Hersteller
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Verantwortliche Person
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