How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends: Revised And Updated - Softcover

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Don Gabor is a “small talk” expert, communications trainer, and the author of seven self-help books and audio programs. He shows people how to network and use conversation skills to build relationships in business, social, and personal situations. Don is a frequent media guest and was the 2010–2011 president of the New York City chapter of the National Speakers Association. The New Yorker called Don “a gifted conversationalist.” Visit him at DonGabor.com.

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Chapter 1

Be Receptive -- Body Language

One of our most important conversational skills doesn't come from our tongue, but from our body. Research has shown that over 70 percent of communication is nonverbal. "Body language," as it is called, often communicates our feelings and attitudes before we speak, and it projects our level of receptivity to others.

Most poor conversationalists don't realize that their non-receptive body language (closed posture, little eye contact, and no smiling) is often the cause of short and unsustained conversations. We are judged quickly by the first signals we give off, and if the first impressions are not positive and friendly, it's going to be difficult to maintain a good conversation. The following "softening" techniques can make your first impressions workfor you, not against you.

S-O-F-T-E-N

A "softener" is a nonverbal gesture that will make people more responsive and receptive to you. Since your body language speaks before you do, it is important to project a positive and friendly image. When you use positive body language, you are already sending the signal: "I'm friendly and willing to communicate, if you are." Each letter in S-O-F-T-E-N represents a specific nonverbal technique for encouraging others to talk with you.

S = Smile

A pleasant smile is a strong indication of a friendly and open attitude and a willingness to communicate. It is a positive, nonverbal signal sent with the hope that the other person will smile back. When you smile, you demonstrate that you have noticed the person in a positive manner. The other person considers it a compliment and will usually feel good. The result? The other person will usually smile back.

Smiling does not mean that you have to put on a phony face or pretend that you are happy all of the time. But when you see someone you know, or would like to make contact with, do smile. By smiling, you are demonstrating an open attitude to conversation.

The human face sends out an enormous number of verbal and nonverbal signals. If you send out friendly messages, you're going to get friendly messages back. When you couple a warm smile with a friendly hello, you'll be pleasantly surprised by positive responses. It's the easiest way to show someone that you've noticed him in a positive way. A smile indicates a general approval toward the other person, and this will usually make the other person feel more receptive and friendly toward you.

O = Open Posture

The letter O in S-O-F-T-E-N stands for open posture. You might not realize that closed posture is the cause of many conversational problems. Typical closed posture is sitting with your arms and legs crossed, and your hand covering your mouth or chin. This is often called the "thinking pose," but just ask yourself this question: Are you going to interrupt someone who appears to be deep in thought? Not only does this posture give off "stay away" signals to others, but it also prevents your main "signal sender" (your mouth) from being seen by others looking for receptive conversational signals. Without these receptive signals, another person will most likely avoid you and look for someone who appears to be more available for contact. Closed posture discourages others from talking with you, and from approaching you in the first place. Closed posture can spell D-O-O-M for a conversation already in progress.

To overcome this habitual way of standing or sitting, start by keeping your hands away from your mouth, and keep your arms uncrossed. Crossed arms tend to indicate a defensive frame of mind, and thus one not particularly favorable to outside contact. They can also indicate impatience, displeasure, or judgment -- any of which would discourage people from opening up.

Open posture is most effective when you place yourself within communicating distance of the other person -- that is, within about five feet. Take care, however, not to violate someone's "personal space" by getting too close, too soon. Of course, if the situation calls for it, the closer, the better! However, be sensitive to the other person's body language, and the verbal and nonverbal signals she sends you. And remember too, there are cultural differences as to defining a comfortable distance for talking between strangers.

Some people will argue that just because they have "closed posture" doesn't mean they're defensive, uptight, or unreceptive to outside contact. They might say: "I stand this way because I am comfortable!" Whether you are really receptive or not, others can only interpret what they see. That's why people with closed posture tend to be seen as unreceptive to conversation. Open posture sends out the clear signals of openness and receptivity. It says: "I'm available for contact -- come over and talk to me!"

F = Forward Lean

The letter F in S-O-F-T-E-N means forward lean, another element of open posture. Leaning forward slightly while a person is talking to you indicates interest on your part, and shows you are listening to what the person is saying. This is usually taken as a compliment by the other person, and will encourage him to continue talking.

Often people will lean back with their hands over their mouth, chin, or behind their head in the "thinking" pose. This posture gives off signals of judgment, skepticism, and boredom from the listener. Since most people do not feel comfortable when they think they are being judged, this leaning-back posture tends to inhibit the speaker from continuing.

It's far better to lean forward slightly in a casual and natural way. By doing this, you are saying: "I hear what you're saying, and I'm interested -- keep talking!" This usually lets the other person feel that what he is saying is interesting, and encourages him to continue speaking.

T = Touch

The letter T in S-O-F-T-E-N stands for touch. In our culture, the most acceptable form of first contact between two people who are just meeting is a warm handshake. This is true when meeting members of the same or opposite sex -- and not just in business, but in social situations, too. In nearly every situation, a warm and firm handshake is a safe and positive way of showing an open and friendly attitude toward the people you meet.

Be the first to extend your hand in greeting. Couple this with a friendly "Hi," a nice smile, and your name, and you have made the first step to open the channels of communication between you and the other person.

Some men don't feel right in offering their hand to a woman first. They would feel stupid if the woman didn't shake their hand. Emily Post states in the revised edition of her book of etiquette that it is perfectly acceptable for a man to offer a handshake to a woman, and that it would be quite rude for either man or woman to ignore or refuse this friendly gesture.

Some women, on the other hand, feel that they are being too forward if they offer a handshake to a man. They think the man might get the "wrong idea" if they extend their hand first in greeting. The problem is that there are two people who are afraid to shake hands. Of all the people I've polled on the subject in my class, there is nearly unanimous agreement: no matter who makes the first move, nearly everyone likes this form of physical contact. It's safe and nonthreatening for both parties. This keeps personal defenses down and creates an atmosphere of equality and receptivity between the people. More personal forms of touch should be exercised with sensitivity to the other person's body language, and in a warm, nonaggressive...