What If?: Answers to Questions About What It Means to Be Gay and Lesbian - Hardcover

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Eric Marcus is the author of several books on gay issues, including Is It A Choice? and Making Gay History. He is also the author of Why Suicide? and coauthor of Breaking the Surface, the #1 New York Times bestselling autobiography of Olympic diving champion Greg Louganis. Visit him at EricMarcus.com.

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What If?

chapter 1

the basic stuff

I like to think that the best place to start when you’re new to any subject (and even if you’re not entirely new) is at the beginning. Homosexuality is a complicated and all too often controversial subject that’s difficult to discuss if you don’t understand the basic concepts and issues. So I’ve devoted this first chapter, which is the longest in the book, to all the essential questions (and answers) you need to know before reading the chapters that follow. You may be tempted to skip right to the chapter about sex, but I urge you to start here.

Before you get to the first question, I have a quick warning about the Internet that you’ve no doubt heard before from your parents, but bears repeating because throughout this chapter and the ones that follow, I recommend various websites. So here’s the warning: It is extremely important to be cautious when you use the Internet, especially if you decide to join a discussion group or use the Internet to meet other young people. Because it’s so easy to create a false online profile, it can be hard to tell who is being truthful and who is not. So there’s the possibility that someone may try to take advantage of you, may make you uncomfortable online, or might try to arrange to meet you when they should not.

Always remember that when meeting people online, you should use the same caution you would when meeting any stranger: Never give out your telephone number or home address and never agree to meet anyone in person unless you are accompanied by a parent or another responsible adult, and then only meet in a public place.

The Internet is an amazing resource, but you have to be careful and use common sense. And, if possible, please seek guidance from your parents or a responsible adult.

What does “gay” mean?

Someone who is attracted to people of the same sex is “gay” or “homosexual” (these words can refer to both men and women, although a lot of women prefer to be called “lesbian”). Someone who is attracted to people of the opposite sex is called “heterosexual” or “straight.” And someone who is attracted to people of both the same sex and the opposite sex is called “bisexual.” “Gay,” “straight,” and “bisexual” are all terms that describe a person’s “sexual orientation.” And sexual orientation simply refers to the sex of the people you’re attracted to. In other words, if your sexual orientation is gay, then you are attracted to someone of the same sex.

Is “gay” the same as LGBT?

LGBT is an acronym for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender.” As the gay rights movement has evolved over recent decades, many people have come to feel that the term “gay” didn’t represent them or wasn’t inclusive enough. So they fought for language that made clear that the gay rights movement and the gay community included them. Over the years we’ve seen organizations first add “lesbian” (as in the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force), then “bisexual,” and more recently “transgender.”

Some people feel that LGBT is not inclusive enough and have added the letter Q to signify people who are “questioning.” These are people who don’t yet have a clear understanding of their sexual orientation or whether they’re transgender.

In this book you’ll find questions and answers primarily about the L and G in LGBTQ.

Does “sex” have two meanings? Does it mean the same as “gender”?

Yes, “sex” has two meanings. Sex is something people do, which you’ll learn more about in Chapter 4. But the word “sex” also refers to whether you’re male or female. For example, when you fill out a form at the doctor’s office, there is almost always a question about your sex where you’re asked to mark a box labeled “male” or a box labeled “female.”

Sometimes people mistakenly use the word “gender” to describe their physical sex (male or female). Gender, however, has to do with your identity. In other words, do you identify as a boy or as a girl. This is a bit hard to understand, so I’m going to quote my friend Bronwen Pardes, author of Doing It Right, who offers a simple explanation for this. Bronwen says, “If this sounds confusing, it’s probably because most people’s sex and gender match, and they don’t think much about it. Most biological males identify as boys and men; most females, as girls and women. But this isn’t always the case.” Please see the next question for more information about gender and gender identity.

What is transgender?

A transgender person is someone who feels that the sex he or she is on the outside (male or female) doesn’t match what he or she feels on the inside. So, for example, a boy who is transgender thinks of himself as a girl, even though he has a boy’s body. And a girl who is transgender thinks of herself as a boy, even though she has a girl’s body. If you do a little research, as I did, you’ll find that not everyone agrees that this is a complete definition of “transgender,” but I think it’s a good starting point for anyone who is interested in this complex subject. For more information I suggest exploring some of the resources I list in Chapter 9.

Are transgender people gay?

Just like anyone else, transgender people can be straight, gay, or bisexual. How people experience being male or female has nothing to do with their feelings of sexual attraction for others.

How do you become gay?

Simple answer: You can’t become gay, just like you can’t become straight. This is how it works: All of us have feelings of sexual attraction. Most of us have these feelings for people of the opposite sex—boys for girls, girls for boys. Some of us have these feelings for people of the same sex—boys for boys, girls for girls. And some people have feelings of sexual attraction for both the same sex and the opposite sex.

For example, when Mae was ten years old, she already knew she was different from most of her classmates. “All the girls in elementary school were boy crazy. I knew that I wasn’t, but I pretended to be like everyone else.”

No one knows exactly how we come by our feelings of sexual attraction in the first place, but whether we’re born with them or develop them in the very early months and years of life, they are a gift that can make us feel very good as well as very confused.

As we enter our teen years, these feelings of attraction grow stronger and we often find ourselves both emotionally and physically—or sexually—attracted to another person. That was Mae’s experience. By the time she was thirteen, her feelings of sexual attraction were clear. “When I was thirteen I admitted it to myself. My friends were always talking about being attracted to cute guys. And I was always just attracted to girls. It was a feeling inside. I tried to be attracted to guys, but it wasn’t working.”

What exactly are “feelings of sexual attraction”?

As we grow into adolescence and our bodies change, we begin to have strong feelings of...