About the Author
Barney Stinson is awesome. He works for a powerful bank in New York City but somehow finds time to “suit up” and help the less fortunate, in particular his lovelorn and all together pathetic bro Ted Mosby—seriously, that dude’s got probs. When Barney’s not staging private bikini calendar shoots, test-driving tanks, or elbow-deep in another legendary activity, like riding a tiger bareback or blowing up a guitar, he can be seen on the hit CBS show How I Met Your Mother with his friends Ted, Robin, Lily, and Marshall.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Matt Kuhn is a staff writer for the CBS hit show How I Met Your Mother and also produces Barney’s Blog for the show’s website. He lives in Los Angeles, California, which is conveniently where he works.
First of all, thanks for purchasing this book! Now, if you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’re either too pathetic to pick up girls on your own, or you’re looking for some creative ideas to spice up your repertoire—but my money’s on “too pathetic to pick up girls on your own.”
You stumble up to a woman and stammer in a rehearsed yet cracking voice, “Can I get your number?” Your trembling hands are stuffed in your pockets in a futile attempt to look cool. You’re dressed like an overgrown eighth grader. You’re a little out of shape. Geez, buddy, you’re kind of a mess, huh? Ooh, I bet you smell too.
The good news is you’re not alone, Ted. There are millions of unattractive chumps just like you all over the place who apparently never want to sleep with a woman. But all of that is going to change because now, with the help of The Playbook, you’ll be able to approach any beautiful woman you want and trick her into sleeping with you. How? By giving you self-confidence and proving that you really are somebody who matters (even though you’re not).
Again, sincerely, thanks for purchasing this book.
© 2010 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation|WHAT IS THE PLAYBOOK?
The Playbook provides a plenitude of plays to profit the persistent player. Contained within these pages are every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem, and bamboozle I’ve ever used or ever hope to use to pick up chicks and give them the business. Now, in an act of selfless charity, I’m passing this treasure of pleasure on to you as an easy-to-follow guide.
Included in this collection are more than seventy-five schemes that are guaranteed to attract all kinds of women, no matter how sorrowful your social skills are. Best of all, most of the plays require no experience and little to no preparation, so you have almost everything you need to get started right away. Almost: 83% of the plays will necessitate at least a few yards of aluminum foil, so before you get cracking you’d be wise to buy in bulk at your local big-box store or discount warehouse retailer.
With so many other pickup programs available on the market today, you might be wondering what makes The Playbook unique. First of all, I created this program, so you know it’s gonna be awesome. Second, I’ve slept with enough hotties to overbook a commercial airliner (several of them on a commercial airliner, what up?) and only once had to wear eyeliner and a goofy hat to do it ... and that was only because this chick had been in a coma since 1983 and pretending to be Boy George was such an obvious layup.
Last, and most important, other seduction methods preach “social dynamics” in which you insult women in an attempt to attract them. I find that approach both demeaning and offensive. Rather than degrade women, The Playbook centers on the profound, positive, and personal changes you can make to trick hot sluts into sleeping with you.
HOW DOES THE PLAYBOOK WORK?
The plays in this book are scientifically calibrated to excite the female sex nodes enough to make her actually consider having sex with a stranger. This strategy flies in the face of conventional wisdom, because for countless millennia men were led to believe that women were not interested in casual sex. We were told their libido had been replaced with the urge to have children, make dinner, and discover the planet’s cutest handbag. But recent evidence suggests that women enjoy sex almost as much as finding a Christian Dior clutch in white croc at 30% off.
Now, thanks to science, we can generate a clearer picture of what women are looking for in a sexual partner. After years of in-depth field research (very in-depth), I’ve discovered that women are sexually aroused by four primary factors:
Emotional and spiritual fulfillment
Obviously, number four is right out the window. Seducing a woman by satisfying her on an emotional level is difficult, time-consuming, and quite frankly, unrewarding.
Therefore The Playbook
focuses on transforming you into someone who reflects some or all of those first three qualities. If you’re wondering why you have to change who you are, consider this: is a woman more likely to sleep with a loser like you or an underwater bomb diffuser who grew up in an orphanage? It’s just science.
Using all this information, here’s a composite sketch of what women might consider the most sexually attractive man ever.
Don’t worry, The Playbook
will never ask you to dress up like this bozo. You’ll be asked to dress up like a fireman or a football player but never at the same time.HOW TO USE THE PLAYBOOK
As you flip through The Playbook
you’ll notice that each play is presented in an easy-to-follow recipe format. This is done so that even a chump like you has a shot at glory. Immediately following the title of the play is a profile box that presents the following quick reference information:
Success Rate— the likelihood of “completing” the play
Attracts—the type of chick the play is designed to ensnare
Requirements—the props and/or special talents you’ll need
Prep Time—how much time you need to invest in the play
Bummers—potential negatives to running the play, other than “might totally fail”
Following the profile box are the numbered steps for each play. Simply follow them word for word with absolutely no deviation and you’ll get laid. Maybe.
Now, before you flip to a page and start trying out plays on random chicks, there are three things you need to consider.LOCATION. LOCATION. LOCATION.
While most plays can be performed at a party or in your local bar, I recommend you workshop these plays elsewhere when you’re just getting your feet wet—if you have any hope of getting other areas wet. Beta-testing a play in a foreign environment safeguards you from any emotional damage, physical harm, or heaven forbid, your bros giving you crap for striking out.MAD PROPS
Some of the plays entail wardrobe elements or other accessories that might not be readily available about the home. Therefore it’s a good idea to establish a relationship with a local party or costume shop owner. A good one will let you sample their wares at little to no cost if you promise to promptly return them. As a show of appreciation and good faith you should take extra care not to damage the costume, even as you’re climbing out the window of a girl you just duped into sleeping with you. It’s called integrity.SKILL LEVEL
Some of the plays require a considerable amount of game while others entail almost no effort whatsoever ... like The Michael Jordan or The Saudi Prince. The Playbook
presents plays in increasing order of difficulty so that you can take baby steps on your way to baby-making steps™. This is done for safety. If you tried to run an advanced play like The Land Mine Whisperer without the proper experience, you could wind up seriously hurting your chances of getting laid. It’s important to identify your skill level before getting started. That’s why I’ve included the following ASS Test, or Aptitudinal Seduction Skills Test.ASS TEST
(APTITUDINAL SEDUCTION SKILLS TEST)
Answer the following five questions and then use the secret decoder table to determine your player level.
What’s the first thing you say to a chick?
A. “I’m awesome.”
B. “Hi. How are you?”
When you go out, you usually wear
A. a suit. Duh.
B. a shirt with a collar, designer denim, dressy shoes—nothing too fancy.
C. Cheetos-stained jeans, sandals, and a hysterically ironic screen-print T-shirt.
A woman’s coming over to your place. You
A. quickly usher the chick from last night off the premises.
B. scramble to clean up the place and hide any porn.
C. ask your parents to seriously respect the No Trespassing sign on your door this time.
How many ladies have you been with?
B. I’d rather not say.
C. probably, like, a million.
In the above picture, you are most likely
A. chatting up that fine illustration of a chick.
B. sitting with your bros debating which ladies to approach and how—a process that will continue until last call, when you skulk home sad and alone.
C. not pictured. You were going to go out with your bros but got caught up in an epic World of Warcraft PvP with some kid in Korea ... and you totally would have pwned that noob with just a Vindicator’s Brand (Mongoose enchant) if the server hadn’t crashed.
Give yourself 5 points for every A, 3 points for every B, and 1 point for every C.
23–25Don Juan16–22Don Johnson10–15Don King5–9Don KnottsTHE HISTORY OF THE PLAYBOOK
While the collection of plays presented here hails from the incomparable mind of Barney Stinson, it is by no means a new endeavor. In fact, devising schemes to seduce women has been man’s primary occupation since before the dawn of history. The proof exists in prehistoric cave paintings.
Cavemen would return home from a hunt carrying one of their buddies, Urk, on their shoulders. They would describe through spirited reenactment what a “dangerous” kill it was and how Urk bravely climbed atop the saber-toothed tiger or mastodon or triceratops or whatever. To help sell the story, they drew pictures of the event on the wall using charcoal and ochre.
Thanks to his bros, Urk would score some major cave tail that night while the others played “rock rock rock” to decide who would be the next day’s hero (Urk became ineligible for a week). On the next hunt the men would quickly kill an animal and then spend the rest of the day choreographing the big reenactment and arguing over which cave chicks would look the best clothed. Creating the myth of the all-day hunt served two purposes for cavemen: it got one guy some easy action and got the rest out of a full day of gathering and nagging.
While The Hero of the Hunt is as old as The I Discovered Fire, it’s actually not the oldest trick in the book. That would be The I Love You—which of course had an extra level of complexity before the invention of language.
Surprisingly, the next attempt to record plays didn’t occur until the thirteenth century, when monks spent their entire lives writing down seduction scenarios in collections called illuminated manuscripts. Tragically, they were all destroyed by a gaggle of angry nuns.But, Barney, why would monks spend their entire lives scheming up ways to sleep with women when they had taken a vow of celibacy?
I think you just answered your own question, fake reader. FAMOUS PLAYS THROUGHOUT HISTORY
The Royal BurialKing Tut1323 BC“Dies” young and is entombed with tons of gold: the original chick magnet.The Great Last NameAlexander the Great325 BCConquers much of the known world, creating a legion of angry fathers in order to become the ultimate “bad boy.”The QuetzalcoatlHernán Cortés1519Convinces women of the Aztec Empire that he’s a god by showing them his shiny helmet.The Insignificant HumanGalileo Galilei1610Points his telescope heavenward, proving to chicks how infinitesimal we are, so why not bang?The Great CompromiseRoger Sherman1787Develops the bicameral system of representation to balance power between large and small states but, more important, triple the number of hot young staffers introduced to Washington, DC, every election cycle.The Me ComplexNapoleon1811Generates sympathy among countless European chicks by convincing them he conquered half the continent because he’s ashamed of his height.The Spirit of St. LouisCharles Lindbergh1927Fools the world into thinking flying is dangerous, thereby creating generations of nervous and vulnerable female passengers. Posthumously named president of the mile-high club.The GandhiMahatma1932Shaves head, puts on glasses, Gandhi and goes on a hunger strike to protest something or other. The move reappears half a century later with The Bono.The Eagle Has LandedNeil Armstrong1969Gets millions of chicks to believe he actually went to the moon—and walked
on it! Classic.The I’m George ClooneyGeorge Clooney1997Becomes a handsome movie star. BARNEDICTION
Take a knee, boys.
As we embark on this new mission together, remember The Playbook
is only a guide. I encourage you to add your own personality and creativity to each and every play. As a wise man once said, it’s not the destination but the journey. I think you’ll agree in this instance the destination far outweighs the journey, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to have fun in the process.
During your adventures you may start to feel the urge to develop your own plays. I highly encourage you to do so, and then post them to barneysblog.com. We should exist as a community of players that can learn and grow from one another’s experiences. If you find a new way to get laid, believe me, I’m interested, and will totally not
steal it and take credit for it in The Playbook 2
, also by Barney Stinson.
One final note. Throughout your quest you may find yourself mired in a slump, when none of the plays seem to work and you suddenly feel like the worthless individual you were before reading The Playbook
. That’s okay, because while you’ll never be as awe-some as me, you can rest easy knowing salvation may lie in the very next play. That’s the beauty of The Playbook
—each and every page delivers a new hope that you can trick a girl into having sex with you. Unless it’s the last page. Then you’re pretty much screwed. Until I write my next book.
While each of the plays presented in this book will put you in the best possible position to score, the publisher makes no guarantee you actually will. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but can’t make him have sex with it.
© 2010 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
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