CHANGING YOUR SELF-IMAGE: LESSONS FROM THE LIFE OF JOHN

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!

1 John 3:1

Jesus Changes People

It is often said that Jesus can change people. He can – dramatically. There are many stories we could tell of his transforming power. Here are just two:

Our first story is of a young man who struggled very badly with self-image. He always felt different, as if he didn't really belong anywhere. In his early teenage years he withdrew from meaningful relationships and went through long periods where he couldn't even have conversations with people. He would answer any questions with a one-word 'yes' or 'no'. He got used to feeling lonely and isolated from the world. Though things improved slightly in his later teens, he would still withdraw from any relationship that became at all difficult. He thought of himself as a 'big brown lump' and couldn't understand why anyone would want to be his friend.

One reason behind this was that his parents were immigrants to England. They hadn't taught him English so his first day at school had been a scarring experience. He was five years old, unable to speak the language and left in a playground of others who all seemed to be friends. His father would also often have violent mood swings and angry outbursts that would hurt him deeply. He grew up terrified of him.

This young man became a Christian and over time the love of Jesus began to heal him. He began to realise that God's love did not involve mood swings; that the love of his heavenly Father was dependable and consistent. He was amazed to discover that God actually wanted to spend time with him – he'd spent all his early years convincing himself that nobody really did.

Over the years God's love has restored him to the point where he can function in a far healthier way in relationships. As a result of receiving God's love he is able to be confident in other people's love for him. He would be the first to acknowledge that there is still a way to go but he would also say that he is astonished at the journey he has taken. He now wishes he could talk to his younger self and tell him not to worry, that it would all turn out okay.

The second young man grew up in a loving Christian family and yet somehow began to believe that love was conditional on him being successful, whether it be in education, sports or other ways. He learnt to work hard and his fear of failure drove him to attain a first class degree at Cambridge University – even though, by his own admission, he's not very bright. This fear meant that if he was put in a situation where failing was a distinct possibility he would become anxious. In his teens, he was intensely wounded by a relationship breakdown and remembers vowing to himself, 'I will never let anyone hurt me again.' As a result, from that time on he kept his distance emotionally from people and substituted genuine intimacy in friendships for a veneer of charm.

As he encountered Jesus he discovered that Jesus was vulnerable in his love and was willing to be hurt and wounded – ultimately on the cross. Over the years the love of God permeated his being. He began to soften, and discovered the joy of really being known and loved by others. He allowed his humanity to emerge from hiding. He recognised where his continuous fears came from and was able to face them as he grew in confidence in God's love for him. He would also say that he is still on a journey, but he is so grateful that Jesus' love has thawed him out. He can now give and receive love in a deep way with his wife, his children and his friends.

We know these stories are accurate – because they are ours. We have both found deep and lasting healing because of God's love. When we first met Jesus we were, in different ways, emotionally scarred and broken, but the love of Jesus has transformed us. This same transformation can happen for anyone who comes to know Jesus.

Our Great Need

If you were to hold a gun to Andy's head and a kebab to Mike's nose and say, 'What is the greatest need that you have seen in yourselves and in those around you?' we would say, without hesitation, 'The need to know that we are loved by God and to find our identity as children of the Father.'

Can you imagine what it would be like to know – deep in your heart – that you are accepted, delighted in, adored and have a purpose?

What difference would that make to you?

Picture waking each morning and being excited to live the day. Envision having an inner security about who you are. Visualise putting your head on the pillow and having a real, gut-level peace in your soul.

It's no overstatement to say that this truth revolutionises lives.

Am I Ugly?

As things stand many of us are struggling. Recent mental health statistics paint a bleak picture. Many are living life hamstrung by low self-esteem, self-doubt and fear. There are skyrocketing levels of anxiety, self-harm, depression and eating disorders. We are dealing with crippling levels of shame and guilt, constantly choosing to hide who we really are for fear of being 'found out'.

The Call of John

John and his brother James were fishermen at the Sea of Galilee. We're pretty sure John thought of himself as a failure. In those days the best of the best became rabbis. It was something every Jewish mother wanted for her son. Those who didn't make the cut had to find other employment – like catching fish.

Rabbis would select students to train up by heading to the Harvard of rabbinical schools. They would gather the students and ask themselves, 'Which of these has the potential to do what I do, and even greater things than me?' If they spotted someone promising they would point to them and say, 'follow me.' That person would then become their disciple. This reminds us of every teenager's nightmare: standing in a line and having two captains select (or not select) you to be on their football team.

Rabbi Jesus was different. He went to the Sea of Galilee, not the top rabbinical school. He pointed to John and his brother James and said, 'Follow me. Come and be part of my team.' This very act was probably the greatest affirmation that John had ever had. 'A rabbi chose me! He thinks I have potential!' Do you know that Rabbi Jesus has chosen you? He sees who you really are and what you can become.

Two Big-Shot Leaders

The two of us were recently invited to a meeting of 'strategic church leaders'. The agenda was to create prominent, powerful churches that could have significant influence. Needless to say we were rather pleased with ourselves for even getting an invitation. We dropped it into conversation with anyone who'd listen. (Our Uber driver didn't seem as impressed as he should have been.)

We continued feeling pretty smug until we saw a presentation about the sort of qualities that would be looked for in the leaders of these super churches. The presenter described the leader you might get if you crossed Mother Teresa and Steve Jobs with Nelson Mandela and Wonder WomanTM. We slid lower and lower in our chairs as we measured ourselves against the endless list of attributes these potential leaders should have. By the time we left we knew we had been invited by mistake. Jesus has changed us and yet we're still a work in progress! If the people there really knew us they wouldn't have picked us. (Of course, we didn't tell them that.)

John – Really???

We can't help but wonder whether Jesus made a similar mistake with John. Did he know what he was doing when he invited him? What on earth did Jesus see in him?

James and John had a nickname: they were called 'Sons of Thunder'. This was not because they had digestive problems; it was almost certainly because they had bad tempers. On top of this, the gospels show us that John was selfishly ambitious, vengefully violent and excessively competitive.

We might at the very least have expected Jesus to back-track on John's selection once the flaws became obvious. In the modern workplace this is sometimes called 'beginning disciplinary proceedings'. In school it's referred to as 'behavioural measures'. Another way of putting it is, 'Three strikes and you're out!' When we look closer at John's life it's not hard to find 'three strikes'.

Strike One: John was Selfishly Ambitious

A murder prediction

On several occasions while the disciples were travelling with Jesus he took them aside and talked about his coming death. In Mark 10:33-34, he warned them that when they arrived in Jerusalem he would be mocked, spat on, flogged and killed. Jesus didn't just say this 'by-the-by', he went into graphic detail; he made clear just how horrific it would be. Imagine a close friend telling you as you journey towards London that they know they will be brutally murdered there. You would at the very least be concerned and want to comfort and console them.

James and John, however, who evidently hadn't been on a counselling course (and seem to have had zero emotional intelligence) said to him, 'Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask.' They went on, 'Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory' (Mark 10:35, 37). The big request was not, 'Please, please don't die,' it was, 'Can we have the best seats in heaven?'

Unbelievable!

An equivalent might be you turning to your friend after the blow-by-blow description of their impending murder and saying, 'Would you mind leaving me the house in your will?'

So often we talk to Jesus in the same way John did: 'I want you to do whatever I want. And if you don't I'll be offended – it is a well-known fact that I am the centre of the universe.' Even worse, when Jesus said he was going to die a gruesome death, he meant he was going to die for John. He was going to pay the price for his sin and selfishness. So often we come to God upset because he hasn't given us what we want – that job, partner, or exam result – when, just like John, we haven't grasped the price he paid to give us everything that really counts.

Selective hearing

Jesus, surprisingly, did not respond to their request with the words, 'SHUT YOUR MOUTHS YOU MORONS I'VE JUST TOLD YOU I'M GOING TO DIE!' He said to them, 'What do you want me to do for you?' (Mark 10:36). How amazing! Even when we ask the wrong things, with the wrong motives, he listens to us. His goal is not to shame us, but to transform us. Although Jesus corrects and challenges us at the right time, the 'right time' is not always right away.

One of our mentors is Bishop David Pytches. He has raised four amazing daughters. Some years ago Mike asked David, 'What's your secret to bringing up children?' David leant over conspiratorially and whispered, 'Selective hearing.' He then explained that he took care to choose the right moment to confront his daughters about wrong attitudes or wrong behaviour. Any parent knows that love sometimes means keeping your mouth shut. If as a parent we are pointing out every fault, mistake and bad attitude, we won't see transformation, we'll see despair.

In asking for the best seats in heaven, James and John were seeking prominence. They wanted to be above everyone else, to be 'significant'. This attitude is as common today as it was then. We're searching for significance through things like growing a social media platform, getting that promotion or cultivating the perfect look. Though we're often not aware of it, our hunt for significance and position is usually a result of feeling insignificant. We don't know who we are, we don't understand who we were created to be, and we're trying to construct a meaningful identity for ourselves.

Jesus replied, 'You do not know what you are asking.' It's easy to miss this sentence; it's a profound response. How many of the prayers we offer up do we understand the consequences of? John's question came from a place of selfish ambition. He was so full of desire for his own glory, he had no space to appreciate that following Jesus is about laying down our lives; it's about surrendering them.

The way up is down

Jesus asked them a key question: 'Can you drink from the cup I'm going to drink from?' James and John said they wanted to be with Jesus in the place of glory. His response was, 'You do not understand the price that I'm going to pay before I can be in the place of glory. Do you really think you can get there on the cheap? If I am your rabbi, you've got to suffer and serve and be poured out, as I am.'

When the other ten disciples heard about John and James' request, they were angry with them. No doubt they suspected the two brothers were trying to elbow their way to the top. Selfish ambition always destroys relationships. There was a real danger of this happening here. Jesus intervened; typically, he didn't just give them a lecture about serving but said to them, 'I came not to be served but to serve, and to give my life as a ransom for many'. In other words, he said, 'My sermon is "Serve One Another"; the illustration is my life. Look at me.' With Jesus the way up is down.

Were we Jesus at this moment, we would definitely have regretted picking John for our team.

But it gets worse.

Strike Two: John Was Vengefully Violent

On another occasion Jesus sent messengers ahead of him to a Samaritan village. The Samaritan villagers refused to host Jesus – they wouldn't even offer him tea and digestives. The brothers' response is worth noting: 'When the disciples James and John saw this, they asked, "Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?"' (Luke 9:54). We might consider this a slightly over the top response! We don't burn down our neighbours' houses because they haven't invited us for lunch.

We then read, 'But Jesus turned and rebuked them' (v. 55). How we would love to know what he said to the brothers! We suspect it may have been something like this:

'Guys, I knew you were sleeping during the Sermon on the Mount! Burning a village because they wouldn't give us a cup of tea isn't exactly what I meant when I said "pray for those who persecute you!" Were you on your phones when I talked about turning the other cheek and loving your enemies?'

Why did John and James react in this way? Why does anybody react in a vengeful and violent way that is out-of-proportion to what has happened?

First – we're hurting. There is a saying: 'the most dangerous tiger is a wounded tiger.' When a tiger is wounded is when it can cause the most destruction and damage. The same is true of people. There's no more destructive human being than a hurt human being. Hurting people hurt people.

Second, we have a fragile self-image. We are easily offended when our view of ourselves is delicate. Often, as in the case of the brothers, we like to think we are superior to others. Any perceived hurt or disrespect and our egos react like tender skin when it's been punched – we are instantly bruised. John wasn't big enough to let it go. He wanted to lash out, not because of what had been done to him, but because of his own insecurity.

Third, we're prejudiced. There were centuries of antagonism and hatred between Jews and Samaritans. A male Jew would pray every day for a good day, their daily bread, for safety and that there would be no Samaritans in the resurrection on the last day. We'd be surprised if intolerance that deep had skipped James and John. Plenty of people rejected Jesus – not least the Jewish elite – but this is the only group the brothers suggest burning alive! Prejudice always stems from our own brokenness. It's much easier to be tolerant, merciful and understanding of others when you are comfortable in who you are.

Strike Three: John was Excessively Competitive

On one level there's nothing wrong with being competitive. The two authors compete in sport (squash, tennis, weight lifting etc.), in wit and intellectual pursuits, and for the affections of Andy's children. This is, on the whole, good-natured competition and so Andy does not have a problem always losing.

There is a competitiveness that is fun and brings people together. There is, however, a kind that is destructive and involves putting others down. This is often the result of an unhealthy comparison with others.

We catch a glimpse of this in John 20. Mary Magdalene has just informed the disciples that Jesus' tomb is empty. We read, 'So Peter and the other disciple [John] started for the tomb. Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first' (vv. 20:3-4).

Stop and think about this comment. They are in the process of discovering that Jesus has risen from the dead, and John can't help but tell us that he is a faster runner than Peter! It would be as inappropriate and ludicrous as if Andy was to tell you in this book that he has won many more squash games than Mike over the years.

To make matters worse, John actually closes his gospel by telling us that there are many of Jesus' miracles that he hasn't included. He says if he'd included them all, 'even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written' (John 21:25). In other words, in order to stick to his word count, John omitted many miracles of Jesus – but he still chose to include the fact that he is a faster runner than Peter! Sometimes competitiveness that comes out of insecure comparison causes us to make poor judgements.