Communication: The Road to Intimacy

When divorced couples were asked, "Why did your marriage fail?" 86 percent said, "Deficient communication." If that is true, then communication in marriage must be extremely important.

Communication involves self-revelation on the part of one individual and listening on the part of another. In its simplest form, communication is talking and listening; however, unless talking and listening are accompanied by honest, loving feedback on the part of the listener, little communication can take place. In fact, miscommunication and misunderstanding will probably be the results. In good marital communication the husband and wife each share thoughts, feelings, experiences, values, priorities, and judgments while the other listens sympathetically. Both partners share on the same open, honest level.

One of the main purposes of this book, of course, is to discuss some practical ways to enhance this process — to get you speaking each other's language.

God's Divine Example

God's communication to man is the model for our communication with each other. The Scriptures say that God has spoken to man in many ways throughout history. He has spoken through angels, visions, dreams, nature, creation, and, supremely, through His Son, Jesus Christ. All of this is recorded in the Bible. How did the Bible come into existence? "Holy men of God spoke as they were moved by the Holy Spirit" (2 Pet. 1:21 nkjv). The result is that the Bible gives us words from God. Thus, we have the potential for knowing God because God has spoken. Yet we know there are many people who do not have a relationship with God because they have either not listened to His self-revelation or they have responded negatively and walked away to live alone. Thus, they have no relationship and no fellowship with God. There is no intimacy between them and the Creator.

On the other hand, for those who have accepted Christ, intimacy with Him is a matter of degree. It is obvious that some Christians are much closer to God than other Christians. The vehicle for gaining intimacy with God as a Christian is regular communication with God. We are to listen to God as he speaks to us through his Word, and we are to respond to God with our honest thoughts, feelings, and decisions. When God speaks, we listen to him. When we speak, God listens to us. Through this process over a period of time, an individual can have a growing intimacy with the God of the universe. There is nothing in life more important than this kind of relationship with God; it enhances all of life both here and hereafter.

The same is true in a covenant marriage: communication leads to intimacy. In 1 Corinthians 2:11, Paul raises a question that every woman has asked, "Who ... knows the thoughts of a man?" Answer? Only "the man's spirit within him" (niv). Essentially, Paul is saying that only you know what is going on in your mind. The old saying "I can read him like a book" is simply not true. Wives, you may think you know what is going on in your husband's mind, but actually, you don't. Husbands, you know that you don't know what is going on in her mind, right? If you have been married for thirty years and you have had lots of open communication, there may be some truth to the statement, "I can read him like a book." Ultimately, however, it is never fully true. We cannot read another person's mind.

Body language is supposed to tell us about people by the way they fold their arms, cross their legs, sit, speak, or use facial expressions. It is true that we can pick up cues from a person's behavior, but we can never know what is in others' minds simply by looking at them. For example, when you observe a lady crying, you may assume that she is troubled. However, you have no idea by observation whether she is experiencing grief over the loss of a spouse or a child, whether she has just been fired from her job, or whether she has just hit her thumb with a hammer. Her tears may even be tears of joy. Only if she chooses to tell you will you know what is behind her tears.

Verbal communication is essential in order to understand what is going on inside other people. If they do not tell us their thoughts, their feelings, and their experiences, we are left to guess. Unfortunately, our guess is usually wrong, and we misunderstand them. That is why communication is an absolute necessity if we are to reach intimacy. We will never experience what God had in mind when He ordained marriage if we do not communicate with each other. As we come to understand the process of communication and learn how to overcome barriers to communication, our experience of intimacy will bring us the joy God intended.

The First Step

Now You're Speaking My Language is designed to enhance communication and intimacy. We will look at some of the reasons why 86 percent of those who divorce say that the main problem was deficient communication. But before we look at the weightier matters, let me suggest an easy step to enhance communication: plan a daily sharing time with your spouse. Couples who have a "sit down, look at me, let's talk" time each day have a higher level of intimacy than those couples who simply talk "whenever and wherever." Couples who practice a daily sharing time will tend to talk more with each other at other times as well.

So, what do you talk about in this daily sharing time? Just keep it simple. Here is what I call the "daily minimum requirement": "Tell me three things that happened in your life today and how you feel about them." Based on a survey I conducted, my conclusion is that 50 percent of the married couples in this country do not meet this daily minimum requirement. When I share this idea with couples, someone in the group will say, "Oh, we already do that," or "I'm sure we share at least three things with each other every day." So I probe. "Great. Share with the group the three things you shared with each other today," to which they typically respond, "Oh. Well, we didn't have time to talk today; we had to come to this meeting. You know you have to rush to get here on time." I say, "Fine. Share with the group three things you shared with each other yesterday." "Well,...