Hearing Confessions

How to Help People Tell You What They Need to Tell

Introduction

The church has a long history of hearing confessions. What many recognize is the image of the Roman Catholic confessional, where parishioners anonymously confess their sins to the priest and receive penance and absolution. Historically, parishioners had to make confession every week in order to be able to participate in the Mass. The confessional is designed for the priest to hear what parishioners identify as sins they have committed (based in the Ten Commandments), for which they need God's forgiveness. The confidentiality of what is confessed to the priest is absolute. The confessional assures confidentiality.

While most Protestant churches do not have this same tradition, receiving confessions has remained an important function in ministry across the church. Pastors do not always welcome confessions. After all, traditionally, the priest hears confessions without being face-to-face with a parishioner. Being able to listen to something clergy do not really want to hear can be difficult to "face."

Confidentiality remains an important dimension for all clergy hearing confessions, but most other clergy have not usually had the same legal immunity that the Roman Catholic confessional has held. The understanding of confession in this book differs somewhat from the traditional understanding of confessing sins. We also are concerned about secrets people confess that may not be considered by them to be their sins. They sometimes carry and confess shameful secrets about what someone else has done.

This chapter deals with issues of receiving what is confessed and offers help to caregivers who want to be able to hear whatever people need to confess. We find ourselves in the position of being able to play a role in helping people finally tell the secrets they want to confess. Our focus here is on secrets people keep, noting that confessions usually (if not always) involve secrets.

Many secrets are kept with shame. When the secret is revealed both the secret and the speaker are exposed. The confession of a secret occurs when the speaker makes the difficult decision to tell. Secret keepers need a safe "place" that includes someone who will be able to listen and truly hear the depth of the secret and, further, be trusted to respect appropriate boundaries, in hearing and keeping the secret.

Secret keepers realize that not everyone does listen. Just because pastors are those who hear confessions, and are people one should be able to trust, does not mean a particular person in ministry can be recognized as one who will be able to listen to a secret. We have ways to communicate that we do not want to hear some of the dreadful stuff people need to tell. All of us need to recognize ways in which we convey that we are closed to hearing what someone needs to tell.

Listening is not easy, even though we often presume that we listen and hear one another. Listening to a secret that is filled with shame demands more effort than most of what we hear from any speaker. Hearing doesn't end with listening, but continues into responding appropriately to what has been heard, and beyond response, to the "keeping" of the secret.

Although we may think that we like to hear secrets, in the midst of listening we discover that with their telling come the strong feelings of the speaker—feelings of shame, anger, grief, pain, and low self-esteem. These can be difficult emotions for us to handle. They may be feelings that we prefer to avoid hearing. The strength of their feelings touches our own feelings, and this contributes to making listening difficult. We can prepare ourselves to receive confessions of secrets, however, and to respond to them. After hearing secrets we also have to find ways that let the speaker know we have heard the very worst of their confessions.

Another difficulty in hearing secrets involves our being able to be aware of and keep appropriate boundaries. We must be able to do this both as we listen and after we have heard the confessed secret. We have more difficulty hearing secrets when we are unsure or tentative in our boundary keeping. We need to know our boundaries in relationship with the confessor, trust ourselves to keep them, and not use the knowledge of his or her secret to our own advantage in our relationship with him or her or anywhere else. When we are secure in our boundaries, we provide the feeling of safety that secret telling requires. Boundaries are discussed more fully in chapter 2.

This chapter helps those who want to be able to hear secrets of others become able to do so, and also enables those who listen to assure secret keepers that they can be safe in confessing. Through our character we let others know that we can and will hear them. Restoration begins when secrets are heard, and the keeper of the secret moves toward healing. The grace of God makes renewal available.

Part I: Listening: Not as Easy as It Sounds

Fears Limit What We Hear

Some issues frighten those who try to listen—often because these particular issues touch our own feelings. Listeners need to become aware of what the difficult issues are for them and why they are troublesome. This awareness helps a listener avoid disengaging, judging, or otherwise demonstrating fear. It is not just a matter of what specifically relates to our own experiences, but many of us have trouble listening to broader issues related to sex, violence, conflict, or even death.

One fear is that we will not be adequate listeners. We don't know enough about the issue raised. Also, will we understand what is needed from us? Will we know what to say or do in response to what was said? The responsibility of being a listener to kept secrets feels heavy. It is. It may be important not to say or do anything more than listen. Coming to realize that there is not one correct response to hearing a secret may ease some of our fears. Hearing the secret and taking the secret teller seriously are the most important things listeners can do. Then we make decisions about what follow-up may be necessary. This could include making a referral.

When a Listener Does Not Want to Hear

When someone begins, "I have never told anyone this before," the listener (who is not sure about hearing something which is secret) may respond (or feel like responding), "Are you certain you want to tell it now? To me?" These questions, when spoken, signal the speaker that you are not certain about hearing the secret—perhaps you...