If It's Lonely at the Top, You're Not Doing something Right

My father's generation believed that leaders should never get too close to the people they lead. "Keep a distance" was a phrase I often heard. Good leaders were supposed to be a little above and apart from those they led. As a result, when I began my leadership journey, I made sure to keep some distance between me and my people. I tried to be close enough to lead them, but far enough away to not be influenced by them.

This balancing act immediately created a lot of inner conflict for me. Honestly, I liked being close to the people I led. Plus, I felt that one of my strengths was my ability to connect with people. Both of these factors caused me to fight the instruction I had received to keep a distance. And sure enough, within a few months of accepting my first leadership position, my wife, Margaret, and I began developing close friendships. We were enjoying our work and the people in the organization.

Like many leaders early in their career, I knew that I would not stay in this first job forever. It was a good experience, but I was soon ready for bigger challenges. After three years, I resigned to accept a position in Lancaster, Ohio. I'll never forget the response of most people when they realized we were leaving: "How could you do this after all we have done together?" Many people took my departure personally. I could see they felt hurt. That really bothered me. Instantly, the words of older leaders rang in my ears: "Don't get too close to your people." As I left that assignment to take my next leadership position, I promised myself to keep people from getting too close to me.

This Time It's Personal

In my second position, for the first time in my leadership journey, I could employ staff to help me. One young man showed great promise, so I hired him and began pouring my life into him. I soon discovered that training and developing people was both a strength and a joy.

This staff member and I did everything together. One of the best ways to train others is to let them accompany you to observe what you do, give some training, and then let them make an attempt at doing it. That's what we did. It was my first experience in mentoring.

I thought everything was going great. Then one day I found out that he had taken some sensitive information I had shared with him and violated my confidence by telling others about it. It not only hurt me as a leader, but it also hurt me personally. I felt betrayed. Needless to say, I let him go. And once again, the words of more experienced leaders rang in my ears: "Don't get too close to your people."

This time I had learned my lesson. I once again determined to keep space between me and everyone around me. I would hire staff to do their jobs. And I would do my job. And we would only get together at the annual Christmas party!

For six months I managed to maintain this professional separation. But then one day I realized that keeping everyone at a distance was a double-edged sword. The good news was that if I kept people at a distance, nobody would ever hurt me. But the bad news was that no one would ever be able to help me either. So at age twenty-five, I made a decision: As a leader, I would "walk slowly through the crowd." I would take the time—and the risk—of getting close to people and letting them get close to me. I would vow to love people before trying to lead them. This choice would at times make me vulnerable. I would get hurt. Yet the close relationships would allow me to help them as well as be helped by them. That decision has changed my life and my leadership.

Loneliness Is Not a Leadership Issue

There's a cartoon in which an executive is shown sitting forlornly behind a huge desk. Standing meekly on the other side of the desk is a man dressed in work clothes, who says, "If it's any comfort to you, it's lonely at the bottom too." Being at the top doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Neither does being at the bottom. I've met lonely people at the bottom, on the top, and in the middle. I now realize that loneliness is not a positional issue; it is a personality issue.

To many people, the leader's image is that of an individual standing alone at the top of the mountain, looking down on his people. He's separated, isolated, and lonely. Thus the saying "It's lonely at the top." But I would argue that the phrase was never made by a great leader. If you are leading others and you're lonely, then you're not doing it right. Think about it. If you're all alone, that means nobody is following you. And if nobody is following you, you're not really leading!

What kind of a leader would leave everyone behind and take the journey alone? A selfish one. Taking people to the top is what good leaders do. Lifting people to a new level is a requirement for effective leadership. That's hard to do if you get too far from your people—because you can no longer sense their needs, know their dreams, or feel their heartbeat. Besides, if things aren't getting better for people as a result of their leader's efforts, then they need a different leader.

Truths About the Top

Because this leadership issue has been so personal to me, I've given it a lot of thought over the years. Here are some things you need to know:

No One Ever Got to the Top Alone

Few leaders are successful unless a lot of people want them to be. No leaders are successful without a few people helping them. Sadly, as soon as some leaders arrive at the top, they spend their time trying to push others off the top. They play king of the hill because of their insecurity or competitiveness. That may work for a time, but it usually won't last long. When your goal is to knock others down, you spend too much of your time and energy watching out for people who would do the same to you. Instead, why not give others a hand up and ask them to join you?

Making It to the Top Is Essential to Taking Others to the Top

There are a lot of people in the world who are willing to give advice on things they've never experienced. They are like bad travel agents: they sell you an expensive ticket and say, "I hope you enjoy the trip." Then you never see them again. In contrast, good leaders are like tour guides. They know the territory because they've made the trip before, and they do what they can to make the trip enjoyable and successful for everybody.

A leader's credibility begins with personal success. It ends with helping others achieve personal success. To gain credibility, you must consistently demonstrate three things:

1. Initiative: You have to get up to go up.

2. Sacrifice: You have to give up to go up.

3. Maturity: You have to grow up to go up.

If you show the way, people will want to follow you. The higher you go, the greater the number of people who will be willing to travel with you.

Taking People to the Top Is More Fulfilling Than Arriving Alone

A few years ago I had the privilege of speaking on the same stage as Jim Whittaker, the first American to climb Mount Everest. During lunch I asked him what had given him the most fulfillment as a mountain climber. His answer surprised me.

"I have helped more people get to the top of Mount Everest than any other person," he replied. "Taking people to the top who could never get there without my assistance is my greatest accomplishment."

Evidently this is a common way of thinking for great mountain guides. Years ago I saw an interview with a guide on 60 Minutes. People had died while attempting to climb Mount Everest, and a surviving guide was asked, "Would the guides have died if they were not taking others with them to the top?"

"No," he answered, "but the purpose of the guide is to take people to the top."

Then the interviewer asked, "Why do mountain climbers risk their lives to climb mountains?"

The guide responded, "It is obvious that you have never been to the top of the mountain."

I remember thinking to myself that mountain guides and leaders have a lot in common. There is a big difference between a boss and a leader. A boss says, "Go." A leader says, "Let's go." The purpose of leadership is to take others to the top. And when you take others who might not make it to the top otherwise, there's no other feeling like it in the world. To those who have never had the experience, you can't explain it. To those who have, you don't need to.

Much of the Time Leaders Are Not at the Top

Leaders rarely remain stationary. They are constantly on the move. Sometimes they are going down the mountain to find new potential leaders. At other times they are trying to make the climb with a group of people. The best ones spend much of their time serving other leaders and lifting them up.

Jules Ormont said, "A great leader never sets himself above his followers except in carrying responsibilities." Good leaders who remain connected with their people stoop—that's the only way to reach down and pull others up. If you want to be the best leader you can be, don't allow in security, pettiness, or jealousy to keep you from reaching out to others.

Advice to Lonely Leaders

If you find yourself too far from your people—either by accident or by design—then you need to change. True, there will be risks. You may hurt others or be hurt yourself. But if you want to be the most effective leader you can be, there is no viable alternative. Here's how to get started:

1. Avoid Positional Thinking

Leadership is relational as much as it is positional. An individual who takes a relational approach to leadership will never be lonely. The time spent in building relationships creates friendships with others. Positional leaders, on the other hand, are often lonely. Every time they use their title and permission to "persuade" their people to do something, they create distance between themselves and others. They are essentially saying, "I'm up here; you're down there. So do what I say." That makes people feel small, alienates them, and drives a wedge between them and the leader. Good leaders don't be little people—they enlarge them.

Every year I invest time teaching leadership internationally. Positional leadership is a way of life in many developing countries. Leaders gather and protect power. They alone are allowed to be on top, and everyone else is expected to follow. Sadly, this practice keeps potential leaders from developing and creates loneliness for the one who leads.

If you are in a leadership position, do not rely on your title to convince people to follow you. Build relationships. Win people over. Do that and you will never be a lonely leader.

2. Realize the Downsides of Success and Failure

Success can be dangerous—and so can failure. Anytime you think of yourself as "a success," you start to separate yourself from others you view as less successful. You start to think, I don't need to see them, and you withdraw. Ironically, failure also leads to withdrawal, but for other reasons. If you think of yourself as "a failure," you avoid others, thinking, I don't want to see them. Both extremes in thinking can create an unhealthy separation from others.

3. Understand That You Are in the People Business

The best leaders know that leading people requires loving them! I've never met a good leader who didn't care about people. Ineffective leaders have the wrong attitude, saying, "I love mankind. It's the people I can't stand." But good leaders understand that people do not care how much you know until they know how much you care. You must like people or you will never add value to them. And if you become indifferent to people, you may be only a few steps away from manipulating them. No leader should ever do that.

4. Buy Into the Law of Significance

The Law of Significance in The 17 Indispensible Laws of Teamwork states, "One is too small a number to achieve greatness." No accomplishment of real value has ever been achieved by a human being working alone. I challenge you to think of one. (I've made this challenge at conferences for years and no one has succeeded in identifying one yet!) Honestly, if on your own you can fulfill the vision you have for your life and work, then you're aiming too low. Occasionally a person will introduce himself to me by saying, "I am a self-made man." I am often tempted to reply, "I'm so sorry. If you've made everything yourself, you haven't made much."

In my organizations I don't have employees; I have teammates. Yes, I do pay people and offer them benefits. But people don't work for me. They work with me. We are working together to fulfill the vision. Without them, I cannot succeed. Without me, they cannot succeed. We're a team. We reach our goals together. We need each other. If we didn't, then one of us is in the wrong place.

* * *

People working together for a common vision can be an incredible experience. Years ago when operatic tenors Jose Carreras, Placido Domingo, and Luciano Pavarotti were performing together, a reporter tried to find out if there was a competitive spirit among them.

Each singer was a superstar, and the reporter was hoping to uncover a rivalry between them. Domingo dismissed it. "You have to put all of your concentration into opening your heart to the music," he said. "You can't be rivals when you're together making music."

For many years now I have tried to maintain that kind of attitude toward the people I work with. Our focus is on what we are trying to accomplish together, not on hierarchies or professional distance or the preservation of power. I've come a long way from where I started in my leadership journey. In the beginning my attitude was that it was lonely at the top. But it has changed, following a progression that looks something like this:

"It's lonely at the top," to
"If it's lonely at the top, I must be doing something wrong," to
"Come up to the top and join me," to
"Let's go to the top together," to
"It's not lonely at the top."

Nowadays I never "climb the mountain" alone. My job is to make sure the team makes it to the top together. Some of the people I invite to go along pass me and climb higher than I do. That doesn't bother me. If I know I was able to give them a hand and pull them up along the way, then I feel very fulfilled. Sometimes they return the favor and pull me up to their level. I'm grateful for that too.

If you're a leader and you feel isolated, then you're not doing something right. Loneliness on the part of a leader is a choice. I choose to take the journey with people. I hope you do too.

If It's Lonely at the Top, You're Not Doing Something Right

APPLICATION EXERCISES

1. Are you better at the science or art of leadership? Some leaders are better at the technical side of leading: strategy, planning, finances, etc. Others are better at the people part: connecting, communicating, casting vision, motivating, etc. Which is your strength?

If you are more of a technical person, never lose sight of the fact that leadership is a people business. Take steps to improve your people skills. Try walking slowly through the halls so that you can talk to people and get to know them better. Read books or take courses. Ask a friend who is good with people to give you some tips. Seek counseling. Do whatever it takes to improve.

2. Why do you want to be at the top? Most people have a natural desire to improve their lives. For many, that means climbing the career ladder so that they can gain a higher position. If your only motivation for leading is career advancement and professional improvement, you are in danger of becoming the kind of positional leader who plays king of the hill with colleagues and employees. Spend some time soul searching to discover how your leadership can and should benefit others.

3. How big is your dream? What is your dream? What would you love to accomplish in your life and career? If it's something you can accomplish alone, you are missing your leadership potential. Anything worth doing is worth doing with others. Dream big. What can you imagine accomplishing that would require more than you can do on your own? What kinds of teammates would you need to accomplish it? How might the trip benefit them as well as you or the organization? Broaden your thinking and you will be more likely to think of climbing the summit with a team.

The Toughest Person to Lead Is Always Yourself

During a Q&A session at a conference, someone asked, "What has been your greatest challenge as a leader?" I think my response surprised nearly everyone in the auditorium.

"Leading me!" I answered. "That's always been my greatest challenge as a leader."

I think that's true for all leaders regardless of who they lead and what they accomplish. We sometimes think about accomplished leaders from history and assume that they had it all together. But if we really examine their lives, whether we're looking at King David, George Washington, or Winston Churchill, we'll see that they struggled to lead themselves well. That's why I say that the toughest person to lead is always yourself. It's like Walt Kelly exclaimed in his Pogo cartoon strip: "We have met the enemy and he is us."

Acknowledging that leading myself is a challenge brings back some painful memories. Many of my leadership breakdowns have been personal breakdowns. In a leadership career that has spanned almost four decades, I've made plenty of mistakes, but I have experienced only four major leadership crises. And I'm sorry to say that all of them were my fault.

The first occurred in 1970, just two years into my first official leadership position. After two years of work, I had won over many people and there was a lot going on. However, one day I realized that my organization had no direction. Why? Because I lacked the ability to prioritize correctly and bring focus to my leadership. As a young leader, I didn't yet understand that activity does not necessarily equal accomplishment. As a result, my people, following my example, were wandering in the wilderness for sixteen months. In the end, I didn't really lead them anywhere.

The next crisis came in 1979. At that time I felt pulled in two directions. I had been successful in my second leadership position, but I also realized that if I was going to reach a broader audience, which I felt was the right thing to try to do, I would have to leave the organization I had been a part of for the first twelve years of my career. My uncertainty and the personal changes that I was dealing with negatively impacted the organization I led. I became unfocused, and my vision for the organization became cloudy. My passion and energy also began to wane. Leaders who aren't focused aren't as effective as they could be. As a result, we weren't moving forward as effectively as we could.

The third occurred in 1991 when I was overloaded with work and my life was out of balance. Because I had been leading my organization successfully for ten years, I thought I could take a few shortcuts to make things easier for me. I made three difficult decisions in rapid succession without doing proper due diligence or taking the time needed to process everyone through them. What a mistake! As a result, the people were not prepared for the decisions—and I was unprepared for their response. The trust that it had taken me ten years to build began to erode. To make matters worse, when the people who questioned my decisions balked at following my lead, I became increasingly impatient. I angrily thought, What is their problem? Why don't they "get it" and get on with it? Within a few weeks, I realized that the problem wasn't them. It was me. I ended up having to apologize to everyone for my attitude.

The fourth occurred in 2001 and involved a staff member whom I needed to let go. I'll tell you more about that in "A Leader's First Responsibility Is to Define Reality." The bottom line was that my unwillingness to make difficult decisions cost me many dollars and some key personnel. Once again, I was the source of the problem.