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The Mandates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating - Softcover

Singleton, Dave

 
9781400047024: The Mandates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating
Softcover
ISBN 10: 1400047021 ISBN 13: 9781400047024
Verlag: Three Rivers Press, 2004

Inhaltsangabe

A candid guide to dating for gay men offers humorous but practical advice on how gay men can find Mr. Right, drawing on the author's own personal experiences and interviews with hundreds of gay men to furnish an entertaining look at the joys and pitfalls of gay dating. Original. 12,500 first printing.

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Dave Singleton is a marketing professional and the author of many articles on pop culture and entertainment. He and his partner live in Washington, D.C. For more on Dave and The Mandates, visit www.TheMandates.com.

Aus dem Klappentext

How do you win the dating game if you re a gay man?

After many years of serial monogamy, Dave Singleton went to the front lines to find out, exploring the lives of other gay men who found themselves on the dating fast track with guys they d met from work, at the gym or bars, and, increasingly, on the Internet. Thus, The Mandates was born a laugh-out-loud but completely true set of rules about the making (or breaking) of men s romantic relationships.

A sampling:

Mandate #10: Everything You Need to Know, You Learn in the First Five Minutes
Mandate #12: The Difference Between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now: Learn It!
Mandate #13: Things You Should Never, Ever, for Any Reason Say Out Loud in the First Six Months of Dating
Mandate #24: Be Your Own Judge Judy : Evaluating Heinous vs. Forgivable Sins

Plus, A Gay Dating Primer: Dos and Don ts, and excellent advice on The Who, What, Where, and How of Meeting a Guy and Marking the Milestones of Gay Dating. At long last, here is a hilarious, definitive gay man s guide to finding Mr. Right.

Auszug. © Genehmigter Nachdruck. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.

Let Your Eyes Say Everything Your Mouth Shouldn't--Following the Rules of Body Language

Everyone who's ever been on a bad date (can I see a show of hands please?) knows about common body-language signs and what they mean. Crossed arms. Eyes averted. Fidgety hand movements. Bodies contorted and shifted in opposite directions, as if repellent magnetic forces were at work.

Body language can be a powerful communications tool. If you believe behavioral science studies, upwards of 80 percent of all communication is nonverbal. All you have to do is look to the animal kingdom to see how rules of attraction are acted out via body language. Male peacocks show their colorful plumes. Lions fight each other to show sheer brute strength. Wall Street brokers reach deep in their pockets to draw their American Express Gold Cards to pay for the costly premating meal at Nobu.

Male and female courting rituals have always included these nonverbal signs of attraction. Awkward behavior induced by hormonal surges has affected dating traditions forever. Traditionally, men have been the pursuers, the hunters. Women have been the pursued, the selectors. Nature's explanation of this--that it is most beneficial for the continuation of the species for men to plant their seed as wide and as often as possible, and for women to be selective in choosing the strongest mates--fulfills the straight world's notion of "survival of the fittest" theory.

"Survival of the fittest" takes on a whole new approach in the gay male world--"fittest" becomes more than a metaphor. It means that those with the best faces and physiques have the greatest power. And it means that gay men, while traditionally the hunters, must find a way to be both the hunters and the hunted. Successful hunters cannot be too obvious in their pursuit. The hunted cannot be too fey in their selection. Ah, there's the rub.

To paraphrase Dr. Seuss, "Oh, the extent to which we'll go!" describes what some guys will do in their pursuit of a man. Eric, a handsome thirty-two-year-old sportswriter, developed a crush on Jess, a drop-dead handsome real estate agent, at an open house. As Eric put it, "I met this realtor, and even though I wasn't in the market yet to buy a home, I would've bought a year's supply of Barbie hair clips from this guy. I started frequenting open houses he hosted, regardless of the price range or neighborhood. But, every time he came near me, I could barely look at him."

Jess was friendly to Eric, but businesslike. Over the next four weeks, Eric thought he was being subtle and cool by just showing up and making small talk so that if things were to develop, they'd have a chance. Sometimes he would casually ask Jess about one of the properties, which ranged from a one-bedroom in the low $100,000 range to a million-dollar town house. Other times, he would be too shy to say anything at all. Maximizing body language does not mean standing frozen like an exhibit at Madame Tussaud's. When he did speak, he fidgeted with his hands like some reject geek from a John Hughes film. And out of shyness, he often averted his eyes whenever Jess answered him directly.

Eric's "pseudo-aggressive" dating strategy didn't work. In fact, Jess the realtor is probably calling Madonna right now to get the name of her antistalking security consultant. Eric should have maximized the first meeting better through more focused eye contact and body language that showed interest, not desperation. Eric's initial efforts should have been all about getting Jess to meet him somewhere more intimate for a drink, so that he could pursue in a focused and personal setting.

Jerry, a thirty-four-year-old single stockbroker from Chicago, had a much different, more successful experience using eye contact and body language. At a bar one night, he practically bore a hole through a hot man every time they passed each other, but the man would never look back. Every time Jerry looked at the guy, he held his gaze for a few seconds, and eventually the object of his lust started glancing back. They continued this dance for about an hour, pacing around the bar like panthers, sizing each other up from every angle amid the smoke and disco.

After a while, they were comfortable enough to be physically near each other, talking to others but with palpable sexual tension between them. They were standing closer, saying everything that needed to be said through body positioning and stance. By the time their eyes locked and they both said hello, they were already in the middle of a conversation that had begun with body language. No one had to make an awkward first move.

They exhibited the perfect attitude blend of "part hunter, part hunted, part wanting, part could-care-less" that always wins when you are on the prowl.

It's essential to maintain interest, but you don't want to come off as needy, desperate, or an immediate sure thing.

John, a thirty-nine-year-old financial analyst from Baltimore, summed up the feelings of several men I spoke with when he said, "It's hard to admit this because I sound so shallow, but as soon as you find out someone is totally interested in you, your level of interest falls a little." Maybe for men it's one of those unfortunate laws of human nature, like car wreck rubbernecking. It's definitely not helpful in streamlining dating. But that's where using body language can help.

Combat coming off as too interested by using body language to express yourself without giving away too much. Let the excitement build slowly and subtly. Unlike words, body language can rarely be used against you. No one can prove your intent. So you can maintain some mystery as you explore and initiate contact.

Given the laws of human nature, here are seven step-by-step guidelines on how to avoid crashing and burning when you are in hot pursuit:


1. Don't tell everyone what and whom you are after. You do not need the pressure of a gay cheerleading squad "rah-rahing" you on as you make your move. You are not Rocky. This isn't about crowd pleasing.

2. Cut your losses when it's clear it's going nowhere. Take Eric's example as your paradigm; if, after the fourth house, "there ain't nothing goin' on but the rent," quit stalking the poor guy and move on to greener pastures.

3. Don't use lines! To paraphrase advice my grandmother gave me, "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up, use a tired, worn-out line on him, and remove all doubt."

4. Remember that the word desperation comes from an ancient Greek term that roughly translates to "you'll never get laid."

5. Remember the first rule of business negotiations: be willing to walk away from the table. Nothing is ever as attractive to a man as a man who is interested and interesting without an agenda.

6. The eyes have it! Once you make eye contact, you need to hold it for five seconds. Count it out in your head if this is really hard for you to do at first. But there's no way you are going to pique a man's interest by speedily averting your eyes as if you were caught cheating on an exam.

7. When it comes to body language, imagine you are Baryshnikov without the leg warmers. Use body language to your best advantage by acting as if you are a dancer of the first order. Dancers put all their emotions, feelings, and desires into self-contained movement and body language. Every glance, posture, and gesture tells a story. So when confronted with the Antonio Sabato Jr. look-alike you want to meet, you decide if you want the story to be "I want you now, I will have you, and you will love it" or "I am a complete moron incapable of even cursory, nonshaking interaction, and by the way, I am probably this awkward in bed, too."...

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Verlag
Three Rivers Press
Erscheinungsdatum
2004
Sprache
Englisch
ISBN 10 
1400047021
ISBN 13 
9781400047024
Einband
Taschenbuch
Anzahl der Seiten
222
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Verantwortliche Person
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