Dating sucks.

You’ve said it. I’ve said it. Even your aunt Kathleen has said it. And this is what sucks: walking into a coffee shop, bar, or restaurant, scanning everyone in the room, looking for a man you may have never met, and sitting down for what is basically a job interview with drinks.

Putting yourself out there is challenging no matter the circumstances. Putting yourself out there in the hopes of getting real love and a lasting relationship is like ?nding yourself in the Olympics after your ?rst swimming lesson— you’ll be underwater in no time. But dating can be wonder- ful. Dating the right person can be fun. It can be exciting. And, yes, it can be romantic.

So, let’s reframe this.

What do we really mean when we say "dating sucks"? We mean the ?rst eight weeks.

Think about it. Maybe you have trouble getting past those ?rst few weeks. You act interested, the guy stops calling. Youact uninterested, he stops calling. Or maybe you’re having trouble even getting past the ?rst date. You bang your head against the wall, wondering, "What is the deal? What am I doing wrong?" So let’s try this again. Instead of saying, "Dat- ing sucks," say, "The initial stages of dating suck."

Feels better already, doesn’t it?

Well, let’s not stop there. Because I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t need to suck at all. In fact, dating can and should be your new favorite hobby. Instead of viewing it as a neces- sary evil, start looking at it as fun. Because it can be fun. This could be the chance to meet your next boyfriend . . . or who knows, even your husband. Though I don’t think the Cinderella story has done us many favors, the fact is every date you go on is a night at the ball (minus the pumpkin). So get dressed up, put on your favorite music, and allow your- self to feel a little romantic. Even if the ?rst date doesn’t go the way you want, it’s still a chance to get out of the house, meet someone new, and have some fun. So have fun! Dating can be a powerful, wonderful experience. But ?rst, you have to stop seeing it as a chore, and start seeing it as a way to keep busy and meet new people. And who knows, tonight’s date might just be the ?rst step on the road to everlasting.

Dating doesn’t have to be like a job interview with drinks. Dating doesn’t have to suck.

Here’s the thing about dating. Nobody teaches you how to do it. Sure, we sit with our friends and recount our dating horror stories. We answer the magazine quizzes that prom- ise to reveal our "Dating IQ." And we watch those ridicu- lous romantic comedies, as if Katherine Heigl has anything to teach us—let alone Jennifer Aniston. But nobody really teaches us how to date. Not successfully, anyway.

We go to school to learn how to read and write. We’re taught sixteenth-century history and algebra, and we’re even shown how to dissect a frog. But nobody, and I mean no- body, teaches us how to date. (Although dissecting a frog comes close.) I can promise you, as a single woman I care a lot more today about meeting the right guy and having a suc- cessful relationship than I do about knowing who signed the Magna Carta. (Magna who?)

You’re an intelligent woman. You have interests and goals of your own. And chances are one of those goals is to meet someone you fall in love with. Never mind that "Ever- lasting Love" has actually been trademarked by a jeweler and a ?orist, and co-opted by every greeting-card company in the country. You can have real and everlasting love (no trademark!) as long as you’re sensible and strategic—as long as you don’t buy into the fairy-tale dream made up by marketers. Because creating a real relationship is not a mat- ter of being struck by Cupid’s arrow and ?nding The One. Everlasting love is a goal, and it should be treated like one.

Goals take time, hard work, strategy, and patience. You’d accept that notion, wouldn’t you, if your goal was to get a promotion, become certi?ed in yoga, or learn to play the vi- olin? So why should your romantic goals be any different?

They shouldn’t be. That’s good news, because it means that your goal of ?nding love is within your reach. Yes, your reach. But let me repeat myself here: this goal requires time, hard work, strategy, and patience. Most all of, it requires that you make sound choices . . . particularly in those ?rst eight weeks.

The ?rst eight weeks are the most important part of the dating process. These are the make-it or break-it days (and dates) that separate the couples from the singles. So let’s take a step back and evaluate. What are you looking for and where? What do you want in a partner? What do you value, and what do you want to be valued for?

Don’t be that fool who’s always rushing in. Stop thinking of every ?rst date as The One. Stop making him out to be something he’s not, and for heaven’s sake, stop making ex- cuses. Most important, stop thinking of the fairy-tale court- ship and you may just avoid the fairy-tale divorce. (With apologies to Kim Kardashian.)

The first eight weeks are the make-it or break-it days (and dates) that separate the couples from the singles.

Are you serious about wanting to create a satisfying and lasting relationship? Yes, I said create, because you create a good relationship—you don’t ?nd it. If you are, then you need to start applying the same principles that you would to any other worthwhile goal.

Don’t know how?

That’s where I come in.

I’m a professional matchmaker who has spent the last six years connecting men and women who are too busy to ?nd suitable dates online or in bars or through their second cousin twice-removed. My clients are professional people who are tired of meeting the wrong guy (or the wrong girl), so they come to me in order to ?nd the right one. I have helped hundreds of men and women ?nd love—many of whom have gone on to marry. In fact, I currently have an 80 to 85 percent success rate helping people ?nd a partner within the ?rst three months, and I have been responsible for almost thirty marriages in less than ?ve years. But my job is more than just setting people up; it is helping them after the introductions have been made and the dating be- gins. Whether it’s a guy wondering, "What the heck is she thinking?" or a girl wondering, "What the heck is he think- ing?" a major part of my job is to help both parties negotiate those tenuous weeks that can lead to everlasting.

We don’t find lasting relationships. We create them.

I may be a professional matchmaker, but in many ways I’m very much like you. I’ve dated like you. Acted like you. Cried like you. And over the years, I’ve bought every dating book on the shelf. I’ve read about how I’m supposed to be a bitch, how I’m supposed to play the game, how I’m supposed to learn the rules. All of which reinforced my opinion that dating sucks. I’m not sure what it was that sparked the change in me, or when (maybe it was after telling myself one too many times that he’s just not into me), but I started to pay attention.

I pay attention to what men do and what they say. I pay attention to what women do and what they say. And I pay at- tention to what men and women do—and say—when they’re together. It’s all very interesting, I can tell you. But nothing is more interesting than what men say after the date has ended.

You think women like to talk about relationships? You’ve never met my male clients.

I receive e-mails and phone calls almost daily in which my male clients share their thoughts and concerns about the women they date. And it never surprises me that though we all seem to want the same things—a stable career, a loving family, a beautiful life—men and women think very differ- ently about how to go about getting them. From my client Jimmy, who gets annoyed when his date talks negatively about her family or friends ("If she’s going to say that about her mother, imagine what she would say about me?"), to Peter, who loses interest if a woman doesn’t have any inter- ests of her own ("Amy, every time I ask her what she’s doing, she says nothing, and asks what I want to do."), I hear it all.

When my clients talk, I listen. Here’s your opportunity to listen, too, because they are an incredible source of inside information that we all need to hear. I began reading their feedback and listening to their stories and I started watching what separated the successful relationships from the failed ones. And more often than not, it all came down to one thing: the choices that we women make.

That’s right. We are the ones who make the choices. We

are the ones who are in charge.

As the author Milan Kundera once wrote, "Every love relationship is based upon unwritten conventions rashly agreed upon by the lovers during the ?rst weeks of their love. On the one hand, they are living a sort of dream; on the other, they are drawing up the ?ne print of their contracts like the most hard-nosed of lawyers."

Exactly.

FUN FACT: Women are the ones in charge. We set the tone and, ultimately, we determine what kind of relationship we’re going to be in. Hint: it’s the one we ask for.

It’s entirely up to you whether the contract you’re agree- ing to is for a relationship ?lled with fun, friendship, and love, heading to a bright and shiny future . . . or whether you end up dumped, depressed, and obsessed. Or worse, stuck in a relationship with someone you shouldn’t be with. Hap- piness or frustration is a choice you get to make.

And it’s all determined in those first eight weeks.