Positive Discipline Parenting Tools: The 49 Most Effective Methods to Stop Power Struggles, Build Communication, and Raise Empowered, Capable Kids - Softcover

Buch 15 von 16: Positive Discipline

Nelsen Ed.D., Jane; Tamborski, Mary Nelsen; Ainge, Brad

 
9781101905340: Positive Discipline Parenting Tools: The 49 Most Effective Methods to Stop Power Struggles, Build Communication, and Raise Empowered, Capable Kids
Softcover
ISBN 10: 1101905344 ISBN 13: 9781101905340
Verlag: Harmony/Rodale/Convergent, 2016

Inhaltsangabe

Do you wish there was a way to raise well-behaved children without punishment? Are you afraid the only alternative is being overly indulgent?

With Positive Discipline, an encouragement model based on both kindness and firmness, you don’t have to choose between these two extremes. Using these 49 Positive Discipline tools, honed and perfected after years of real-world research and feedback, you’ll be able to work with your children instead of against them. The goal isn’t perfection but providing you with the techniques you need to help your children develop the life and social skills you hope for them, such as respect for self and others, problem-solving ability, and self-regulation.

The tenets of Positive Discipline consistently foster mutual respect so that any child—from a three-year-old toddler to a rebellious teenager—can learn creative cooperation and self-discipline without losing his or her dignity. In this new parenting guidebook, you’ll find day-to-day exercises for parents to improve their parenting skills, along with success stories from parents worldwide who have benefited from the Positive Discipline philosophy. With training tools and personal examples from the authors, you will learn:

·         The “hidden belief” behind a child’s misbehavior, and how to respond accordingly
·         The best way to focus on solutions instead of dwelling on the negative
·         How to encourage your child without pampering or praising
·         How to teach your child to make mistakes and follow through on agreements
·         How to foster creative thinking

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

JANE NELSON, Ed.D., coauthor of the bestselling Positive Discipline series, is a licensed marriage, family, and child therapist and an internationally known speaker.

MARY NELSEN TAMBORSKI, M.A., is a marriage and family therapist, a certified Positive Discipline trainer, and a parenting coach, as well as a wife and mother of three sons.

BRAD AINGE received his B.A. from Brigham Young University and is the father of three children and the CEO of Positive Discipline.

Auszug. © Genehmigter Nachdruck. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.

Chapter One

THE BASICS

Break the Code

Children decide amongst themselves which role they intend to play in the family and parents reinforce their decision.

—­Rudolf Dreikurs

You will be most effective with your children if you understand the “belief behind their behavior.”

Use the Mistaken Goal Chart:

1. Choose a behavior challenge.

2. Identify the feelings you have and how you react.

3. Identify the child’s reaction when you tell him or her to stop.

4. Use chart to identify what belief may be behind your child’s behavior.

5. Try the suggestions in the last column of the chart to encourage behavior change.

In the Introduction we introduced the iceberg analogy to demonstrate how Positive Discipline deals with both the behavior and the belief behind the behavior. In this chapter we introduce the Mistaken Goal Chart and four more icebergs illustrating four categories of beliefs that lead to what Rudolf Dreikurs called mistaken goals. He called them mistaken goals because the behavior is based on mistaken beliefs about how to achieve the primary goals of belonging and significance. These mistaken beliefs are undue attention, misguided power, revenge, and assumed inadequacy.

For undue attention, the belief is “I belong only when you pay constant attention to me, and/or give me special service.” The coded message that provides clues for encouragement is “Notice me. Involve me usefully.”

For misguided power, the belief is “I belong only when I’m the boss, or at least when I don’t let you boss me around.” The coded message that provides clues for encouragement is “Let me help. Give me choices.”

For revenge, the belief is “I don’t belong, and that hurts, so I’ll get even by hurting others.” The coded message that provides clues for encouragement is “I’m hurting. Validate my feelings.”

For assumed inadequacy, the belief is “I give up. Leave me alone.” The coded message that provides clues for encouragement is “Don’t give up on me. Show me a small step.”

Often Dreikurs was asked why he kept putting children in these boxes. He said, “I don’t keep putting them there; I keep finding them there.”

It is understandable that parents often react to misbehavior. How you feel in reaction to your child’s behavior is your first clue in breaking the code to your child’s behavior.

When a child’s goal is misguided power, some parents may say they feel helpless to “make” the child do what he or she is supposed to do. At a deeper level, these parents may be feeling challenged or defeated because they ­aren’t winning the power struggle. Many parents today still struggle with shifting from autocratic rule (“because I said so” parenting) to democratic (authoritative) leadership (“let’s solve this together”). Positive Discipline tools are designed to help parents across cultures shift away from inferior/superior relationships and ­toward a model that teaches respect and dignity for each individual while focusing on teaching important life skills for finding solutions to ­life’s problems.

Check out the Mistaken Goal Detective Clue Form below to help you navigate the Mistaken Goal Chart on page 28–31. It will help you “break the code” to your child’s behavior, along with offering you clues for ­encouragement—­ways to inspire your child to choose more empowering beliefs and behaviors.

Mistaken Goal Detective Clue Form

1. Think of a recent challenge you had with your child. Write it down. Describe what occurred as though you are writing a script: what did your child do, how did you react, and then what ­happened?

2. What were you feeling when you were in the middle of this ­challenge? (Choose a feeling from Column 2 of the Mistaken Goal Chart.) Write it down.

3. Now move your finger to the right across the row over to Column 3 of the Mistaken Goal Chart to see if the action you took in response to that feeling comes close to one of these typical responses. If your action is described in a different row instead, ­double-­check to see if there is a feeling in another row in Column 2 that better represents how you were feeling at a deeper level. (We often say we are feeling “annoyed” when, at a deeper level, we are feeling challenged or hurt; we often say we feel “­hopeless” or “helpless” when we ­really feel challenged or defeated in a power struggle.) How you react is a clue to your deeper feelings.

4. Now move your finger to the right across the row to Column 4. Do any of these descriptions come close to what the child did in response to your reaction?

5. Once you’ve identified what the child did in response to your reaction, move your finger left across the row to Column 1. It is likely that this is your child’s mistaken goal. Write it down.

6. Now move your finger to the right across the row to Column 5. You have just discovered what your child’s discouraging belief may be. Write it down.

7. Move your finger over to Column 6. Does this come close to a belief you have that may contribute to your child’s behavior? (Remember, this is not about ­blame—­only awareness.) While you are learning skills to encourage your child, you will also change your belief. Try it now. Write down a belief that would be more encouraging to your child. You’ll find clues in the last two ­columns.

8. Move your finger to the right, over to Column 7, where you will find the coded message about what your child needs in order to feel encouraged.

9. Move once more to the right, to the last column, to find some ideas you could try the next time you encounter this challenging behavior. (You can also use the Positive Discipline Tool Cards and/or your own wisdom to think of something you could do or say that would speak to the coded message in Column 7.) Write down your plan.

10. How did it go? Record in your journal exactly what happened. You want to revisit your success stories for future encouragement. If your plan ­wasn’t successful, try another tool. (See “Connection Before Correction,” later in this chapter, and make sure you first make a connection before making a correction.)

You will notice that the Mistaken Goal Chart includes a column called “How adults may contribute to the problem.” Helping parents become aware of how they contribute to misbehavior can be very touchy. For this reason, we will say over and over that it is not about blame or shame, but awareness.

Identifying the belief behind the behavior and the mistaken goal is not always easy, because children may use the same behaviors to achieve any of the four mistaken goals. For example, children may refuse to do their homework in order to gain attention (“Look at me, look at me”), to show power (“You can’t make me”), to seek revenge (“It hurts that my grades are more important to you than I am, so I will hurt you back”), or to express their sense of inadequacy (“I ­really can’t”). Parents have different feelings in each case. Effective intervention and encouragement will be different for each goal, so it is important that you use your reaction feeling as a clue to understand your child’s goal.

Note that we talk about “encouragement.” It does not matter whether the child’s beliefs are based on facts or on her perception of the situation. Behavior is based on what children believe is...

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Verlag
Harmony/Rodale/Convergent
Erscheinungsdatum
2016
Sprache
Englisch
ISBN 10 
1101905344
ISBN 13 
9781101905340
Einband
Taschenbuch
Anzahl der Seiten
384
Kontakt zum Hersteller
Nicht verfügbar
Verantwortliche Person
gpsr@libri.de
gpsr@libri.de

Friedensallee 273
Hamburg
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Deutschland