A Mixed Bag

Some time ago, I got hold of a book of 300 jokes. Of all the three hundred, there was only one I halfway liked; the rest I found totally worthless. Perhaps some of them will appeal to those whose sense of humor is different from mine, I don't know. But for me, there was only one that was not half bad, which is about a conductor on a train who said to the brakeman: "There is a tramp in the box car; throw him off!" The brakeman said, "Certainly," and went into the box car, where he did see a tramp, and said to him, "Now, look, I don't want any argument!" Upon which the tramp pointed a gun at him and said: "This does all my arguing for me!" The brakeman scratched his head, left and went back to the conductor who asked: "Did you throw him off?" "No, I didn't." Angrily the conductor asked: "Why not?" "Well, you see, it turned out that he is my cousin, and I can't throw my own cousin off the train!" "Well, I'll throw him off!" at which the conductor left, and returned after a while: "Well," asked the brakeman, "did you throw him off?" "No," replied the conductor, "it turned out that he's my cousin also!"

Not too bad, but not as good as the average of the jokes I will tell you. Speaking of averages, I am reminded of a joke I heard about sixty years ago: A man took a train from New York to San Francisco. Before getting off, he said to the porter: "What is your average tip?" The porter replied: "Two dollars." He was then given two dollars, and the porter said: "Man, you are the first one to come up to my average!"

And speaking of tips, I am reminded of the gag of Groucho Marx on board ship, when the bellboy had just helped Groucho with his luggage, and Groucho asked him: "Is tipping allowed on this boat?" "Oh, yes Sir!" was the enthusiastic reply. "Well, do you have change of ten dollars?" "Oh, yes Sir!" "Then, in that case, you won't need the nickel I was going to give you."

Speaking of stinginess, I recall one movie featuring Jack Benny and Fred Allen. Jack Benny was portrayed as the ultimate in stinginess. In one scene, Fred visits Jack in one of Jack's mansions, and at one point Jack asks Fred if he would like a cigarette. When Fred says he would, Jack says: "You'll find a cigarette machine in the hall."

There is also the story of a very rich but stingy man who tries to get into Heaven. Saint Peter asks him what he has ever done for anyone. The man replies that he once give a nickel to charity, once gave a nickel to the Salvation Army, and recently gave a nickel to a beggar. St. Peter turns to God and asks: "What should I do with this man?" God replies: "Give him back his fifteen cents and tell him to go to Hell."

One of my favorite stories in this genre is about a very wealthy man who never gave to charities. One day a group of men came to his house and told him he should contribute to United Charities. The man replied: "Just a minute, you haven't heard my side of the story! I have a mother who is very sick and whose medical bills cost a hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year. I have an uncle who is even more sick, and his medical bills cost two hundred thousand dollars a year. My son's college expenses run about eighty-five thousand dollars a year. Now, since I don't give a penny to any of those people, why should I give anything to you?"

There is a certain country in which the inhabitants are characterized by their stinginess. I recall two jokes about this country. One is about an inhabitant who was in a grocery store and after selecting some goods, gave the grocer a dollar bill. The grocer gave him his change. The man held the change in his hand and kept looking at it. The grocer said: "What's the matter, didn't I give you enough change?" The man replied: "Barely."

The other story is about an incident from about eighty years ago. A married couple of inhabitants of this country passed a private airfield and saw a sign saying that the pilot would take one on a ride for half an hour for twenty-five dollars. The husband asked the pilot: "Could you take us for a quarter of an hour for twelve and a half?" The pilot replied that half-hour rides were standard procedure. The man replied: "But if half an hour costs twenty-five dollars, than a quarter of an hour should be twelve and a half." The pilot again told him that the standard procedure was a ride for half an hour, and the two kept arguing. Finally the pilot said: "Look, I can't stand hearing you any longer! I'll tell you what: I'll take you up for half an hour, but I don't want to hear any sound out of you! If you make no sound, I'll charge you only twelve and a half dollars, but if you say just one word you pay me twenty-five!" The man replied, "Fair enough." And so the pilot took them up and the man was quiet for quite a while. The pilot began fearing that he would be losing some money, and so he decided to frighten the man into saying something and made a nose dive and almost hit the ground before flying up again, but no reaction came from the man. Then the pilot made a loop-de-loop and tried one scary trick after another, but still the man was silent. When they finally landed, the pilot said: "Very well, you win — you have to pay me only twelve and a half, but you have amazing self-control! At times it must have been very difficult!" The man replied: "Yes, it was very difficult. It was especially difficult when my wife fell out of the plane!"

The following incident sounds like a Scotch joke, but is actually true! I have a letter of a Scotsman who read one of my books, and wrote me saying: "I very much enjoyed your book; I'm even thinking of buying a copy."

Yes, I really have that letter.

There are, of course, many lawyer jokes such as: "Why is it safe for lawyers to swim in shark-infested waters?" Answer: Professional courtesy.

My favorite one is about a lawyer who said to a client: "You can ask me some questions and I will answer them. I charge one hundred dollars per question." The client said: "Isn't that rather excessive?" The lawyer replied: "I don't think so. Now, what is your second question?"

This reminds me of an allegedly true story of a patient who said to a psychiatrist: "If you help me, doctor, I'll give you every penny I possess!" The doctor replied: "Thirty kronen will be enough." The patient replied: "Isn't that rather excessive?"

I love the scene in a Marx Brother's movie in which Groucho was having dinner with a girl in a restaurant, and after the meal was over, he picked up the bill and said: "This bill is outrageous! If I were you, I wouldn't pay it."

Another Marx Brother's gag is one in which Groucho said: "I could dance with you till the cows come home, or maybe I'll dance with the cows till you come home."

Then, of course, there is the famous one in which Groucho was invited to join a certain club and said: "I would never join any club that would have me as a member."

I equally like Chico Marx. In one scene he tells the story of how he as an aviator tried to fly to France: "I getta half way across, but I have to go back because I no have enough gas. The nexta time I take more gas an get only a mile away from France, but have to come back because I no have enough gas. The nexta time I take plenty of gas, plenty of gas. Halfway across, I have to come back — I forgot the aeroplane."

Another...