Purpose and Passion

We are called to rope bondage for a thousand different reasons. Why we are into rope or restraint can dramatically affect our choices of the ties and poses we play with.

But that's not all. Our purpose determines how long we will engage in a scene, the type of rope we will use, and even the wardrobe (or lack thereof) we will wear. Our "whys" allow us to understand where we are coming from, where our partners are coming from, and each of our needs, wants and desires.

The reasons individuals are drawn to rope are myriad, including but not limited to:

• Restraint

• Sensuality

• Fun

• Trust

• Beauty

• Excitement

• Naughtiness

• Struggling

• Experimentation

• Dominance

• Fetish Play

• Connection

• Sacredness

• Sex Positions

• Firmness

• Softness

• Endurance

• Submission

• Playing Dress-Up

• Partner's Interest

• Ferocity

• Desire

• Teasing

• Pain

• Silliness

• Contortion

• Being Artistic

• Tantra

• Touch

• Playfulness

• Sexy Photos

• Taboo

• Something New

• Yoga/Stretching

• Performance

• Exhibitionism

• Suffering

• Tactile Experience

• Role-Playing

• Feeling Pretty

There is no right reason to be into bondage. As a pair of individuals (or triad, or group of friends) exploring rope, you will likely have a variety of reasons you want to tie or be tied. Maybe your reasons today are different than what your reason will be tomorrow. It is important to know not only why you are into rope, but why your partner is as well.

Communicating Desires

Communicating what we are into, our desires, our limits, our concerns, and our delights is referred to cumulatively as "negotiation." Styles of negotiation can include:

• Curling up in bed and sharing fantasies

• Looking at pornography together and letting each other know what turns you on

• Examining someone's erotic "toy bag" and asking questions

• Sending notes or pictures back and forth over the internet

• Having a phone conversation ... or twenty

• Filling out a negotiation form/checklist (either to help you figure out your own desires, or to share the form with a partner)

• Discussing your interests over a nice dinner or coffee

• Attending classes and talking about what you are each into, then asking questions of each other afterwards

• and more!

Let's say two players share their desires with one another. One says they are turned on by speed bondage, and the other says they are delighted by being made beautiful. Does that mean they aren't compatible? Not at all. It means that they, as a pair, get to explore possibilities such as some of the ideas shown here on these two pages.

Staying open and creative helps us find something that works for everyone.

If your partner says that an image or concept is interesting to them, there are many types of responses you can have. Responses to someone that gain more information (rather than making assumptions) include:

• Thank you for sharing that with me.

• What about that appeals to you?

• Would you be interested to doing something like that with me?

• What about that turns you on?

• What might that look like for you/us?

• Please tell me more.

Inter-personal connection is aided through these sorts of energetically open questions, presented in a loving tone, as compared to statements such as:

• That is so strange.

• Who would like that?

• What is wrong with you?

• You're kidding, right?

The first category helps engage and ally with our partners. The second might shut them down, making them wary of sharing more about their desires — they do not help construct open and loving dialogue.

Exploring language and ideas in advance, such as why you like rope or what kinds of play appeals to you, can help a dialogue be more successful as well.

Being able to say you enjoy the notion of sensual rope because it would allow you a chance to be present and connect with your beloved might help them understand your interests. You might just be running into the projections other people have about what they think bondage (or that type of bondage) is about. There are some individuals who associate bondage with abuse or negative media representations rather than consensual passion, beauty or fun. Sharing your wishes, as well as what you are not interested in, from a place of compassionate communication can help build intimacy and trust.

Remember that sharing our fantasies is not the same thing as demanding activities or placing guilt and blame on our partners. Just because you have asked for a specific type of activity does not mean your partner should be required to do that activity — everyone needs to freely consent to the activities involved. Fully engaged consent is not just about "not saying no." It is about sharing an enthusiastic yes! And just because someone says they fantasized about something, or wanted to do something on the day they first talked about it, does not mean it is what they want to do today. Make sure to check in to make sure everyone is on the same page before playing.

Beyond all of the words, our body shares a lot of information. Consider negotiating with someone who you know is already into bondage by sharing passions through the flesh. Consensually bind a lover's wrist to see if they respond with a smile, or grinding hips. Getting this sort of information is a valid form of negotiation, as long as it is clear in advance that everyone has consented to, and agreed upon, this style of information sharing. An enthusiastic yes is a must.

This sort of information sharing also includes the body language involved when our partners tell us their desires. Watching for additional information through their eyes, lips, body adjustments, heartbeat, and perspiration offers the chance to communicate further information. Combining words with our bodily passions can help give us the best of both worlds, while also confirming that our "hunches" are correct.

Communicating During Play

Wait! Don't I have to have a safeword and have signed waivers before we do bondage? Safewords can be a good idea, especially if engaging in fantasy role-playing scenarios. Safewords are words or physical cues that can come up in the case of an emergency or need to pause the play. For example, three rhythmic grunts can show the need to check in for a Model who is gagged, or the military-themed...