FAMILY

• Nagging Parents

• Expressing Individuality

• Too Little Money

• Getting Along With Parents

• Handling Advice

• Too Many Restrictions

My parents are always nagging me. I can't stand to be home for more than ten minutes!

How often have I heard that! While, of course, there are those who have good, open family communication, many young people get angry at their parents for telling them what to do. Often they end up not speaking to them at all.

I, too, fought with my mother from time to time about how I chose to live my life. I'd say: "Leave me alone! Let me do things my way!"

Mothers and fathers always seem to be giving their kids a hard time. From prehistoric times, mothers have been saying things like: "Do your homework!" "Turn off the television!" "Wake up or you'll be late!" It's not something we can change. But you'll understand how your parents feel when you become a parent yourself.

So it is important for you to be big-hearted. If a parent yells at you, you can think: "A loud voice means she is healthy; that's great," or, "Oh, he is expressing his love for me. I appreciate it." Your ability to view parents in this way is a sign of your increasing maturity.

Throughout the animal world, parents teach their young how to survive — how to hunt, how to eat, etc. Accordingly, our parents teach us so many things, launching us in the right direction. This is something we learn to appreciate as we become adults ourselves.

There is a well-known story about a forlorn young man sitting dejectedly by the road after quarreling with his father. He believed his father was narrow-minded, unfair and a fool. An older acquaintance came along and, guessing the cause of his sadness, said: "When I was around eighteen, my father told me nothing but dull, stupid things that infuriated me. I got really sick of hearing them. But ten years later, I started feeling that everything my father was saying made a lot of sense. I wondered, 'When did my father develop so much wisdom?'"

I think it's important that you use your own wisdom to avoid fighting with your parents. Furthermore, when your parents quarrel between themselves, as many do from time to time, the wisest thing is for you to stay out of it.

EXPRESSING INDIVIDUALITY

My parents are always criticizing my clothes and my hair. But these express who I am.

I can well imagine that you feel your individuality is being restricted if you are forced to do what your parents tell you. Expressing your individuality, however, and simply rebelling for rebellion's sake are two different things altogether.

As part of a larger whole — be it a family or social group — it's important for us to have the spirit and wisdom to get along with others. Being flexible and accommodating different views are signs of a solid sense of self. Rather than blindly following the crowd or blindly rebelling against it, it's crucial that we seek balance and harmony. To demonstrate such wisdom shows a strong self-identity.

It's a huge mistake to allow ourselves to become self-absorbed and insensitive to those around us. No one is an island. We live surrounded by our family, our friends and the rest of the world. We are all connected. The key is to display our individuality while living harmoniously within that web of relationships.

True individuality is not self-centered. It is a way of life that leads both ourselves and others in a positive direction in the most natural of ways.

TOO LITTLE MONEY

Everything I want to do takes money — and I don't have any! I wish my family was rich.

You may come from a poor family and feel frustrated because you can't buy the things you want. Maybe your parents struggle just to pay the rent much less provide extras for you. These are not uncommon situations. Many young people are in the same boat as you. Often they think that money equals happiness. But they are making a grave mistake.

Being born in a stately mansion is no guarantee of happiness, any more than being born in a shack dooms one to misery. Whether a person is happy or unhappy has nothing to do with how many material possessions he or she has. Even an affluent and seemingly enviable family can be struggling with some serious problem that may not be apparent. Often people may appear happy, but underneath they may be hiding some personal agony. No matter how together people might appear on the outside, it's difficult to see what's inside their hearts. So never be ashamed over your economic status. What's disgraceful is to have an impoverished heart, to live dishonestly.

A world-renowned businessman once told me: "Even though I have achieved fame and fortune, I felt a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment when I was poor. I had goals, and life was filled with challenge. To regain that sense of fulfillment, I realize now that I have to create a new goal: to contribute to the well-being and happiness of others."

We often see people embroiled in bitter battles over money; people plunged into misery and depression if their popularity should fade; people ruining their lives when they let fame and power go to their heads; and people living in luxurious homes where family members can't stand one another. Too often those who live in seemingly ideal, well-to-do, distinguished families are bound by formality, tradition and appearances. They have difficulty expressing genuine warmth, emotion and spontaneity. And too often privileged young people have difficulty setting goals and achieving them since their every need is taken care of. So when you get right down to it, do wealth, fame or luxury assure happiness? The answer is an emphatic "No."

Everything depends on your viewpoint. Instead of thinking you're unfortunate just because your parents don't have a lot of money or lack education, adopt the view that this is a common situation. You will see that this perspective will allow you to develop into a truly humane person. You'll realize that your hardships are the very material that will enable you to develop a big heart and become an individual of depth and substance.

The fact is, it's only by experiencing difficulties that you can become the kind of person who can understand others' feelings. Your pain and sorrow will cultivate the earth of your inner being. And from there, you can bring forth the beautiful flower of compassion and a desire to work for people's happiness.

Money, fame and material possessions offer only fleeting satisfaction, something that can be called "relative" happiness. Buddhist practitioners learn, however, to establish absolute happiness by transforming their lives from within. When we develop a state of mind as vast and resplendent as a magnificent palace, then nothing — no matter where we go or what we may encounter in life — can undermine or destroy our happiness.

GETTING ALONG WITH PARENTS

I wish I had better parents.

Every...