Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Shannon Ethridge is a best-selling author, international speaker, and certified life coach with a master’s degree in counseling human relations from Liberty University. She has spoken to youth, college students, and adults since 1989, and is the author of 21 books, including the million-copy best-selling Every Woman’s Battle series.She is a frequent guest on TVand radio programs, such as The Today Show , The 700 Club , New Life Live! with Stephen Arterburn, and Life Today with James and Betty Robison. She also mentors aspiring writers and speakers through her BLAST Program (Building Leaders, Authors, Speakers and Teachers). Although grateful for the opportunities to influence this generation as a writer and speaker, Shannon remains most passionate about her role as a wife and best friend to her husband, Greg, and a mother to daughter, Erin, and son, Matthew. Learn more at www.ShannonEthridge.com.

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THE FANTASY FALLACY

Thomas Nelson

Contents

Acknowledgments........................................................................ixForeword by Stephen Arterburn..........................................................xiA Note to the Reader: Fifty Shades of Reality..........................................xvIntroduction: Reading Between the Lions................................................xix1. Why Discuss Sexual Fantasies?.......................................................1Behind the Curtain: How Is Fantasy a Friend?...........................................192. The Benefits of Boundaries..........................................................25Behind the Curtain: Retraining Our Brains..............................................403. The Faces Behind Sexual Fantasies...................................................45Behind the Curtain: Sophia's Layers of Loneliness......................................604. Pornography: The Fantasy Factory....................................................67Behind the Curtain: From Pain to Pleasure to Pain Again................................825. Bartering with Our Bodies...........................................................87Behind the Curtain: Searching for the Softer Side of God...............................1006. When "One Flesh" Isn't Enough Flesh.................................................105Behind the Curtain: Brent's "Rock Bottom"..............................................1237. Grappling with Gay and Lesbian Fantasies............................................129Behind the Curtain: Tracing the Roots of Same-Sex Fantasies............................1478. Our Fascination with Pleasure, Pain, and Power......................................153Behind the Curtain: What's Up with Sexual Fetishes?....................................1709. Putting Fantasy in Its Place........................................................177Behind the Curtain: Free at Last!......................................................192Conclusion: The Rest of the Story......................................................197Appendix 1: Ten Excuses that Turn Fantasies into Painful Realities.....................201Appendix 2: Curing the Sexual Abuse Epidemic...........................................205Appendix 3: Providing a Spiritual and Sexual Safe Haven................................209Appendix 4: Twelve Steps to Recovery...................................................213Appendix 5: Recommended Resources for Your Church/Home Library.........................217Notes..................................................................................219About the Author.......................................................................227

Chapter One

After miles of wandering around in the dark, a weary traveler enters a lonely gas station. The attendant is perched on a stool behind the cash register with her eyes glued to the pages of a paperback novel.

Attempting to make his presence known, he clears his throat with great exaggeration. "Uh-huh-hum!"

"Yes?" the attendant asks, not bothering to lift her gaze.

"I'm looking for a road map," the traveler responds.

The attendant's head pops up, her brown eyes shifting all around the store to see if anyone else is hearing this conversation. With a deer-in-the-headlights look on her face, she responds directly, "No, sir. We don't carry road maps."

"Oh, well, can you tell me where another gas station is that might have one?"

Annoyed, the attendant looks up once again and replies emphatically, "You're not gonna find one around these parts."

"What do you mean? Surely there's a road map somewhere in this town that can help me figure out where I'm going!"

"Nope. Road maps don't exist for this area. And if I were you, I wouldn't go around asking for one, or else folks are going to assume you're one of those kinds of people."

"What do you mean, 'road maps don't exist for this area'? Surely this frequently traveled path isn't uncharted territory! And what do you mean, 'one of those kinds of people'? What are you talking about?" the traveler asks with great irritation.

"I mean no one is familiar enough with this region to create a road map! If you get caught asking for one, the police will know that you're one of those people—one who doesn't know where he's been and doesn't know where he's going! We don't allow that around here, mister, so get lost!"

"I am lost!" the traveler screams, quickly losing his patience. "That's why I'm here—asking for a road map!"

"Look, you're not going to find a road map around here! And if you ask again, I'm calling the cops!" the attendant threatens, hands on hips, eyeballs protruding out of sockets, and neck veins swelling with a combination of adrenaline and righteous indignation.

"This is ridiculous! Am I on Candid Camera? Am I being Punk'd? This can't be real!" the traveler insists.

Of course, this scenario is a bit on the ridiculous side. But I believe it is a pretty accurate description of what is happening inside the Christian community today. Too many folks are wandering around in a foreign land, some suspecting—but most not even realizing—that they are lost. They have no clear sense of direction. No one they can ask for a road map. Search for one and they may be labeled "one of those kinds of people."

The foreign land I'm referring to, of course, is this sex-saturated culture we live in, these sexually stimulated (or sexually dormant) bodies we inhabit, and these sexually motivated (or sexually frozen) minds from which we operate. With the promise of heavenly perfection, restoration, and complete redemption yet on the horizon, we are merely lost travelers here and now, trying to get our bearings and make sense of both our sexuality and our spirituality—the common denominators we all share regardless of our age, gender, race, denominational background, education level, economic status, and so on.

Trying to make perfect sense out of two such complex mysteries can feel as frustrating and fruitless as trying to brush our teeth while eating an Oreo. We all have to wonder at times:

• Where do our sexual thoughts come from?

• What do we do with them?

• Where are the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual boundary lines?

• Can we be holy and horny at the same time?

• How far can we go in satisfying these overwhelming longings we sometimes feel?

Or, perhaps, a better question for some to ask is:

• If I'm a sexual being, why do I no longer experience any sexual longings at all?

GETTING OUR BEARINGS

When we have questions about sexuality, we consult the Internet, our medical dictionary, or that friend we have so much dirt on that she wouldn't possibly tell a soul we'd asked her that question!

Growing up, most of us never bothered consulting our parents, as they would have died of embarrassment and locked us in our rooms until we were forty. And we certainly didn't ask our spiritual leaders because we figured they probably didn't even have sex. Besides, they likely would have banned us from the church building altogether if they had found out what kinds of sexual thoughts actually go through our heads ... even on Sundays!

If sexuality is God's invention—and it...