Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Sharon Morris May, Ph.D. is the originator of the highly acclaimed Haven of Safety Marriage Relationship Intensives and Conferences at the Hart Institute in Pasadena, California.  With a doctorate in marriage and family therapy from Fuller Graduate School of Psychology, Dr. Sharon is an internationally known expert in emotionally focused therapy.  Author of Safe Haven Marriage, as well as numerous articles and chapters in books on relationships, she is the contributing editor for Marriage and Family: A Christian Journal.  Dr. Sharon and her husband, Mike, live in Southern California surrounded by their four sons.

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HOW TO ARGUE SO YOUR SPOUSE WILL LISTEN

Thomas Nelson

Contents

Introduction: What Is This Book Based On?.............................................................................................ixPart One: Why We Love and Argue the Way We DoONE So You Argue The Power of a Couple's Arguments...................................................................................3TWO What Keeps Us Close and Connected The Inner Workings of Our Relationship System..................................................15THREE Dragons and Vulnerabilities The Hidden Meanings that Fuel Our Arguments........................................................39FOUR Anatomy of an Argument What Happens to Our Hearts, Minds, and Bodies When Our Relationship Alarms Sound Off.....................65FIVE The Ineffective Ways We Argue Learn Better Ways to Be Heard and Understood......................................................87Part Two: Six Principles for Arguing So Your Spouse Will ListenSIX Principle One: Create a Safe Place................................................................................................115SEVEN Principle Two: Soften Reactions and Comfort Dragons.............................................................................127EIGHT Principle Three: Talk, Listen, and Understand...................................................................................141NINE Principle Four: Complain Constructively..........................................................................................157TEN Principle Five: Make Amends.......................................................................................................171ELEVEN Principle Six: Reconnect and Enjoy Each Other..................................................................................189A Final Note from Dr. Sharon Morris May...............................................................................................207Notes.................................................................................................................................209About the Author......................................................................................................................211

Chapter One

The Power of a Couple's Arguments

We had argued all week. We both had tried hard to get across how we felt about this particular issue. I felt criticized. He felt blamed. We both defended ourselves. Too focused on our own points of view, neither of us was able to understand the other's perspective. I was sure I was right, and he was just as certain he was. We were stuck on reviewing each other's faults and unable to listen to what the other was really trying to say. We walked away and didn't talk for hours. We were left feeling that the other didn't care.

It was early in our relationship, and as we sat out on the front lawn, exhausted in our failed attempt to rehash the argument and try to find some resolution, I noticed how handsome Mike looked. My angry heart softened as I longed to curl up under his arm. Suddenly the issue didn't seem worth the battle, and options for working it out seemed possible. Sensing my tenderness, Mike's crusty heart cracked and he tenderly reached out for me and pulled me close.

"You know, Sharon," he whispered in his deep voice that still has a way of melting my heart, no matter how upset I am with him, "we are not each other's enemy. I know we don't agree on some things, but I really do love you and care for you. We have got to find a way to get our points across without hurting each other so much."

His words raised a lump in my throat. He was right.

We were arguing in a destructive way that was beginning to destroy the bond that connected us. We were slowly breaking the cord that tied our hearts together. Like all couples, Mike and I longed to be heard, understood, and valued by each other. But the way we argued greatly impacted our understanding and emotional connection. We had to learn how to argue so the other would listen-and how to listen so the other would feel understood.

STUCK ARGUING

It is not too difficult to get caught in the heat of an argument. When couples argue, their hurts feel huge and each feels justified in arguing the way he or she does. A wife feels alone when her husband offers a solution instead of listening to how difficult her day was. When she walks away saying, "Forget it, you are only concerned about your own life," he feels helpless in ever being able to please her.

In an attempt to be heard, couples criticize, blame, and defend themselves. They get stuck in the spin cycle of their arguments, going round and round, resolving nothing. When they try to go back and work it out, they can't because when they do, they get stuck arguing about the argument. Attempting to clarify who said what only triggers a bigger argument. They are left feeling hurt and that the other does not understand their perspective.

Couples learn quickly to tag certain issues as "hot topics" to stay away from in an effort to avoid an argument. A wife hides the credit card bill to delay the inevitable explosion and perceived scolding, or a husband downplays the attractiveness of the new administrative assistant at the office to avoid triggering his wife's angry reaction. Couples then come to a place where they fear they are so far apart on some issues that there would be no way of coming together. Hurts accumulate. In the midst of the hurt and disconnection, couples wonder if they were meant to be together. Many question, "If we were meant to be together, why do we argue so much?" and "Why does getting along take so much work?"

Yet, most couples truly love each other, enjoy being together, and just want to know how to share life together in the most supportive and peaceful way possible.

As a marriage counselor, researcher, and wife, I have come to learn that at the heart of every argument is the longing to be heard, understood, and loved. But couples get caught in the spin cycle of their arguments. The way they argue, staying in their fight cycles, keeps them stuck and prevents them from hearing and understanding each other. Most couples are unaware of how they argue, what they bring to an argument, why they argue, and what keeps their arguments hot and spinning. Most are only aware of what they argue about and how hurt and hopeless they feel when they can't get their spouse to listen and change. When a couple is able to make sense of their arguments, their marriage is transformed.

I write this book because the heart cry of every husband and wife is to know how to argue so his or her spouse will listen, understand, and respond in a considerate and caring manner.

THE WAY YOU ARGUE

All couples argue. Arguing in and of itself is not dangerous to a marriage. What is dangerous is how a couple argues. The way a couple argues has the potential to wound and unravel the cord that ties their hearts together.

The words of Paul when he wrote to the church in Galatia come to mind as relevant for all couples today: "The whole law is made complete in this one command: 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself.' If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart, be careful, or you will completely destroy each other" (Gal. 5:14-15 NCV).

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