Everybody's Doing It

Everyone who's a fan of gymnastics remembers the 2016 Summer Olympics. They generated such widespread media coverage and notoriety it was hard to miss the news coverage, even if you don't like sports.

One event that didn't generate cheering and tear-filled eyes during gold-medal ceremonies, yet attracted plenty of attention: the surge in swipes among athletes during the Rio games. It's unfortunate that at a time when the country's Olympic celebrations should have centered around athletic performances and achievements, the media, instead, hyped the number of "hookups" happening among the athletes. Tinder reported a 129 percent increase in matches in the Olympic Village alone after the first weekend of the games. At the risk of making an unfair assumption, the intent of the majority of those matches likely didn't extend beyond a few hours. That's one unfortunate reality of dating apps.

Yet, dating apps aren't going anywhere. Well, let me rephrase that. Dating apps are going somewhere: up. By 2015, the mobile dating industry was generating more than $2.2 billion in annual revenue, with one in ten adults averaging over an hour daily on a dating site or app — numbers expected to continue increasing. Single men and women want to share their lives with someone. It's that simple. The result? We are willing to seize just about any opportunity that will help us find love.

When you think about it, our drive for this forever kind of love isn't that surprising. God created all humans for companionship, to do life with our friends and family (or framily), and ultimately, to do life intimately with just one person. In the Old Testament, Moses penned the following from God: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Gen. 2:18).

You and I were created by a relational God. In the very beginning, God hardwired us for relational intimacy. Because we were created in the image of God, to be a reflection and representative of God's nature and character, it makes sense that we would also reflect the way he is in relationship with himself, with us, and with the world. Even if you've had past experiences that have clouded your view of marriage, I still believe that somewhere inside of you, you think it's possible to fall in love and stay in love. Forever. And you want it to be possible for you. I believe God designed you like that.

It's no wonder numerous little girls dream of growing up and becoming wives and mothers. Maybe that was you too. Maybe it wasn't. For me, that was never my sole focus. It was a dream, but not my only dream. I have always been highly ambitious, and I hope my career is the platform where I can best steward my influence. That said, I also have an equal longing to meet a man who will partner with me, and I with him. The point in telling you that is this: wherever you fall on the spectrum of desire for marriage and companionship, it's okay. There is no right and wrong way to view your longing. It's okay, and it's normal.

It's also okay if you're looking into dating apps to find a genuine relationship with the hope of marriage. That's why you're reading this book, right? But before we go any further, there are a few things I want you to know in this chapter. First, you're not alone. Maybe you're embarrassed by the idea of going on Bumble. You may wonder if people will think you're desperate, or if they'll make assumptions about your intentions. If no one else is telling you this, then I want you to hear it from me: there are plenty of people on dating apps who, like you, are trying to live like Jesus and are also looking for forever love. It's also no secret that apps have changed the way people date, in ways that some of the generations before us have never experienced. This is okay too. Dating apps have brought both positive and negative changes to the dating scene. It's important to understand this if you're going to honor God in your relationships, respect yourself, and know what to look for in a match.

The Reputation of Dating Apps

I believe that the intent behind dating apps is good. What single girl wouldn't want as many options as possible if it will increase her chances of meeting the guy she's going to marry? However, the word dating can be applied rather loosely to certain situations.

But it doesn't have to be like that.

I do believe, though, that some of these less-than-ideal reputations of dating apps have caused Christians and non-Christians alike to be hesitant to disclose their use of them. In particular, I've spoken with very few twentysomething single girls who feel comfortable acknowledging they have a dating app on their phone. More specifically, they certainly don't want to confess their current boyfriend is the result of a swipe. At least not initially. One girl who met her boyfriend through an app told me, "After meeting my boyfriend, I was embarrassed when people asked how we met. I always darted around the question. I thought people were going to judge me."

Listen, I get it. People can be overly generous with their judgmental opinions. In turn, this causes us to exercise more caution than normal around topics that feel deeply personal and vulnerable. I've known plenty of girls who've begun a relationship with a guy they've met on an app. And of course, when you're in a new relationship, everyone wants to know, "How did you meet?" That's on the list of top five questions others ask when you start dating someone. More than one girl I've known has answered the question with a straight-up lie. For her, it felt like less of a risk to make up a story than to tell the truth. Because deep down, there is a fear for some women that being on a dating app means you're desperate.

What's Your Story?

I'm guessing you can relate to that fear — or at least know someone who can. I've worked with thousands of young single Christian women over nearly two decades. As a result, I've heard hundreds of stories about dating, relationships, and dating apps. Everyone has a story about how a dating app ended up on their phone. After all, apps just don't appear on smartphones. They are not preloaded when you purchase your phone from the store. You actually have to make a conscious decision to go to the app store, choose what you want, and download it. Maybe it was that time you swore you'd never get on an app — but you did. Or the time you said you'd never go out with anyone you met that way — and you did. For some of you, it was your New Year's resolution to date more. Or to date period.

The contexts are different, but the bottom line is the same: "Dating apps were not for me, but I decided to try it because [fill in the blank]." After all, it's hard to meet new people. You can only change your traffic pattern so many times before...