Über die Autorinnen und Autoren

Nancy Van Dyke Platt is an Episcopal priest, counselor, and author. Her writings include Addiction; Pastoral Care to Cancer Patients; and Alcoholic's 12 Steps into Life. She lives in Augusta, Maine.

Chilton R. Knudsen is the retired Bishop of Maine. She was Pastoral Care Officer in the Diocese of Chicago and worked with clergy and congregations in crisis. Her writings include Pastoral Care for Congregations in the Aftermath of Sexual Misconduct. She lives in Bath, Maine.

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SO YOU THINK YOU DON'T KNOW ONE?

Morehouse Publishing

Contents

Introduction: So You Think You Don't Know One?........................................ix1. How It All Begins: The Seeds of Codependency.......................................12. The Progression of Codependency....................................................143. Theological Dimensions of Codependency.............................................304. The Minister and Addiction.........................................................465. The Turning Point: Intervention and Treatment......................................696. Steps toward Recovery..............................................................847. Return and New Beginnings..........................................................101Appendix I Twelve Steps for Clergy Recovering from Codependency......................117Appendix II Twelve Steps for Recovery of Addictive Congregations.....................119Appendix III Sample Policy for Alcohol Use in Congregations..........................121Suggested Reading.....................................................................125

Chapter One

ONE OF THE BEST IMAGES we have come across to describe the codependent congregation is a collection of people in a large life raft with an addicted person. As the addict alternately rushes from the center to the sides of the raft and back, throws tantrums, or sits in silence, the other people in the life raft struggle to keep their balance by shifting their positions as necessary for survival. These passengers constantly must compensate for the unpredictable movements of the addict. Sometimes they even shift their positions to keep the raft stable by counteracting the movements of the other passengers.

Another commonly used image for the codependent system is that of a mobile, which is perfectly balanced when at rest. When the addict tips the balance point, however, the other figures on the mobile shift and change as well, seeking equilibrium. There is no opportunity for rest and stillness; the addiction seems to take on a life of its own that influences everything the mobile does in order to regain its balance and original state sometimes causing it to swing so wildly that figures drop off the mobile.

The people in the life raft and the figures on the mobile attempt to return their system to a balanced state; in the words of the late Murray Bowen, family therapist and systems guru, they attempt to achieve "homeostasis." There is little sense of the need for order or purpose as most of these behaviors are unconscious efforts to keep the system stable for their own survival. Once in a while someone attempts to help or intervene, but things quickly return to survival mode; such efforts rarely succeed. The "system," whether of a family or a congregation, must find and regain its own balance. To some degree, knowledge, education, and support will help, but the change must occur within the system itself. Denial by the systems members of the key concerns that prevent the congregation's return to normal and healthy life must change to acknowledgement of the problems.

It is important to remember that these behaviors are reactions by powerless individuals to a frightening and confusing series of events in their community life. For a long time they will do whatever they can to make the addict's behavior seem reasonable, believing that they can control what is happening, and that will power is all that is needed.

Certainly the congregational leadership, whether ordained or lay, is only one part of a cluster of codependency, and in no way to "blame" for the fear and anxiety that overtake the congregation's life. In one sense, their emotions mirror the underlying fears and pain that the leader attempts to medicate by his addiction. Their behaviors and feelings are the result of attempts to maintain normalcy without being truly aware of what is normal for the people of God. In addition, these congregations genuinely mean to carry out Jesus' work and follow him, but given that much of their efforts are marred by codependency they fail to grasp the whole message of the gospel and discipleship as a lifestyle. While these words may seem harsh, emotional toll, exhaustion and the spiritual depletion of the individuals in the congregation reveal the pain, fear, and struggle of the codependent congregation.

CASE STUDY: GREG

"Greg does everything." Greg had made himself indispensable in the life of his parish. He arrived at church before anyone else each Sunday morning and got to work turning up the heat, folding the service bulletins, starting the coffee, and checking on the bathrooms.

He showed up at church most Saturdays, too, as the small congregation could not afford a sexton or custodian. Greg was the only volunteer for the weekly dusting, vacuuming, cleaning, and mopping. There used to be two teams of church cleaning volunteers. It was good fellowship: they alternated weeks and went out for lunch together after cleaning the church. Gradually, however, they drifted away as they realized that Greg was willing to do it all and had become so obsessive about cleaning that they got tired of hearing his criticisms.

Most members of the church referred to Greg as "the do-everything guy," a pillar of the church. Greg enjoyed the attention, and actively spoke up at church gatherings about all the things he was getting done around the church. A few people resented his domineering attitude and it bothered them that he chased away people who wanted to volunteer, but they had learned to silence their feelings under pressure from others: What would we do without Greg? The church would crumble if he left! Don't ruffle his feathers!

On rare occasions, someone else would get to church unusually early on Sunday morning. Once it was the organist, who had houseguests that week and hadn't had time to practice the hymns. Another time, a church school teacher came to set up a complicated activity. From time to time, an altar guild worker would come in with a load of freshly ironed altar linens. Each of these early arrivals was greeted briefly and begrudgingly by Greg—"Nothing personal; it's just hard to work with people underfoot."

As time passed, word got around that Greg often smelled of alcohol, especially first thing in the morning, and his hands trembled. Once when an altar guild member searched for a pair of shears to trim some unruly altar flowers, she came across a half-empty bottle of vodka hidden amongst the rags in Greg's custodial closet. Summoning up her courage she asked him about it. "Those kids!" he told her. "They throw all kinds of things into the churchyard on Saturday nights. I was saving them to put into the trash after the service today." She remained uneasy, but she didn't want to get him upset and it wasn't as though he was falling into the gutter. He was an upstanding family man with a good job and a hard worker for the church.

Eventually Greg's alcoholism became the secret everyone knew. He had so thoroughly cultivated the church's dependence that no one dared to confront him. Finally he died of a ruptured esophageal blood vessel and was found on the floor of the church kitchen early on a Sunday morning.

This was a wake-up call for the...