Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Jennifer Sutton Holder is geriatrics chaplain at Baylor University Medical Center and serves as clergy in the Episcopal Diocese of Dallas. Jann Aldredge-Clanton serves as chaplain coordinator for oncology at Baylor University Medical Center. She is author of Counseling People with Cancer.

Auszug. © Genehmigter Nachdruck. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.

Parting

The University of North Carolina Press

Contents

Foreword by J. Richard Williams, M.D.AcknowledgmentsIntroduction by Larry R. Churchill, Ph.D.1 Setting OutOffering Spiritual CompanionshipItineraries: Stops on Spiritual JourneysTwo Levels of Needs: Physical and Spiritual2 A Personal JourneyCompanions WelcomePacking for the Road AheadPresenceListeningAcceptanceCandorPatienceAdvocacyHumorCourageDependabilityHopeCreativitySensitivityCuriosityTime Crossing the BridgeComing CloserSpiritual Conversation Starters3 Spiritual SceneryLife ReviewJournalingArtistryEthical Wills"I've Always Wanted to ..."Reunions and GatheringsRitualsPersonal RitualsCentering PrayerSimple RitualsCeremonies4 For Weary TravelersComforts for the DyingTouchThe Furry TouchTips for Touching SightIn the Looking GlassGuided Imagery SoundSpeechMusicTaste and SmellFlavorsAromasComfort from a DistanceCompanion ComfortsAccepting LimitsMini-BreaksFood and ExerciseSharing the BurdenAccepting HelpUtilizing VolunteersProfessional HelpGiving and Receiving CareGuilt and ResentmentRealistic ExpectationsEasing UpHonestyTrouble along the Road5 Parting WaysUnpacking Life's BaggageGiving Permission to GoReconciliationHoly SilenceSuspending DisbeliefLetting GoSaying GoodbyeLove and TearsA Child's GoodbyeDying AloneSafe PassageA Sacred JourneyUnpredictable TimingComforting Arms6 Coming Home

Chapter One

Doug was an active, happy man spending his retirement years instructing others in golf. For a time, he brushed off the nagging pain in his lower back, thinking he had wrenched his muscles with a golf swing. But the pain intensified, and Doug learned that he had a malignant tumor on his spine. From a full life, he abruptly entered the process of dying. It took only a few weeks for him to die.

During that brief time, Doug chose to enter an inpatient hospice (a facility and program that is wholly devoted to helping people die in comfort and with dignity). He also immersed himself and his feelings in another of his lifelong pleasures: art. Doug's family brought him art supplies, admired his work, and even attached a little penlight to a baseball cap so that he could sketch through sleepless nights without disturbing others on his hospice ward. They collected his artworks, framed and displayed them near his bed, and listened as he told them about his drawings.

Doug wrote in his journal almost daily about the care of his nurses, the camaraderie with his doctors, and the visits from family members. His niece gave him a foot massage and pedicure when she came to visit. His sister reminisced and laughed with him about times past. He voiced his worries about his adult son and asked his sister to look after him. As he grew weaker, his sketches became less detailed. Then, as his life drew to a close, the sketches were only a few stark lines, the journal entries a few words.

Doug's dying wasn't all creativity and companionship. He suffered terrible pain, dark days when he felt despondent, restless nights he thought would never end. But, surrounded with his artworks and people he loved, he died with his work finished, with dignity and acceptance.

What would we give to have such peace surround the death of one we love? Of course, sometimes it is out of our reach. We have no control over sudden death, for example, and mean-spirited relatives can make a person's last days and hours more difficult than they ought to be. The dying may suffer from dementia and be unable to converse or even recognize family members. But it is possible, more often than people think, for death to be a spiritual blessing to those who are leaving as well as those who are left behind. Peace and meaning can light the way.

Offering Spiritual Companionship

When you sign on to be a spiritual companion, you enter a two-way street. You invite intimacy, and you share from your own soul. You are a source of strength, but you look to the dying person for inspiration and moments of strength as well.

You open the window for peace to surround the one who is dying, and you feel its breeze on your face.

You look for truth, for the expression of candid and deep feelings ranging from agony and anger to joy and acceptance, and find you must bare your feelings also.

Both of you will grow. You will care for one another. And you both will find tears to be a healing release and closeness of body, mind, and spirit to be a shelter from the cold night of pain and grief.

The journey of spiritual companionship at the end of life begins now. Set out on the path today, while there are still time and energy to devote to the road ahead. The person who receives a life-threatening diagnosis needs your spiritual companionship from the first moment onward.

One physician says that the best way to improve spiritual care for the dying is to improve it for the living. All too often, the day-to-day business of life gets in the way of the inner life. Death clears the calendar; it uncrowds life so that spiritual needs come to the forefront. It is painful to face mortality alone, and most persons who are dying will welcome your support and presence.

If distance separates you from your loved one who is going to die, and you will not be able to travel both now and later, seriously consider going now. You can have a memorial service later, in your own hometown, but you will never regret the time you spend with this loved one who is still alive, still breathing, thinking, loving, questioning, finding a way.

Itineraries: Stops on Spiritual Journeys

Where might a spiritual journey take you and your companion? What is the destination you seek together? Is this a journey you even want to contemplate taking?

Death calls forth the most intense of human emotions, both for the one who is dying and for the spiritual companion. It compels the travelers to search out every spiritual tool they have ever collected, to cry out to their higher power for help, to tap into every coping mechanism and source of strength they have ever used before. Death often presents nothing short of a spiritual crisis, both for the one who is dying and for the companion. The very act of admitting that death is the unavoidable destination of the journey requires facing an acutely painful reality.

The spiritual "disease" of either the companion or the one who is dying can pose obstacles to spiritual companionship. Both travelers must rely primarily on their current level of spiritual maturity and familiar spiritual resources. The journey offers an unparalleled opportunity to expand their spiritual awareness and resources by trying new spiritual pathways together and consciously seeking spiritual adventure and awakenings. They will undoubtedly encounter rough spiritual terrain, and their road must go through these hard and painful places, not around.

What are some of the stops along the way they might anticipate on this spiritual journey? Their itinerary might include the following "spiritual moments":

Wholeness: The sense of being complete in oneself. A sense of basic inner integrity. Said one spiritual pilgrim, "I felt as though the battle had finally stopped. Floating there on the water I lacked nothing, thirsted for nothing, was dissatisfied with nothing about myself. It was a moment of absolute calm, a sense of profound...