How We Let People and Things Push Our Buttons

There are only three things that human beings can do. And you're doing all of them right now. (This eliminates at least some of the things you're probably considering.) You do all three almost all the time, even while you're asleep. First, you are thinking. Some of you are thinking about what the three things are. Or maybe you're thinking about something that's coming up tonight, or this weekend; or about what someone just said to you; or what this book is going to be about. But you are almost always thinking something. Sometimes you're not even aware of all your thoughts — but if you stop and pay attention, you can recognize most of them.

Second, you are almost always feeling something, and we don't mean hot or cold or tired or pain, we mean emotion. Sometimes it's a mild feeling, like "sort of" irritated, "somewhat" amused, "a little" down, "kind of" happy, or "a bit" guilty. Sometimes it's a very intense feeling, like furious, outraged, elated, thrilled, depressed, bummed out, ecstatic, joyous, freaked out, or "really" guilty. There are enormous numbers of feelings and intensities — but you're almost always feeling something.

Lastly, you behave (i.e., act) constantly. Even the tiniest gestures and movements, while you are reading this, are behaviors. Did you just blink? Are you breathing? Are you making a face, or shifting in your chair? As long as you are alive, you are behaving.

Now, it's not terribly brilliant of us to point out that human beings think, feel, and act. But it's nevertheless a great place to start, because if we're going to keep people and things from pushing our buttons, we'd better learn how to direct and control the way we respond mentally, emotionally, and behaviorally to button-pushers. And that takes both systematic effort, and diligent practice of the skills and techniques we'll soon describe.

This book is not a "quickie" solution to life's day-to-day hassles. The techniques are simple and very powerful, but if you want them to work you have to use them regularly.

The Fatal Foursome

There are four main "screwball" feelings in this world. That is, any time you experience one of these feelings, you will not handle the situation as effectively as you could, and you will probably upset yourself; somebody or something will push your buttons. These feelings are excessive anxiety, anger/defensiveness, depression/burnout, or guilt (we'll tell you what we mean by excessive in just a minute). First, if you get yourself overly anxious (or nervous, tense, upset, agitated, intimidated, afraid, freaked out, fearful, scared), you will not handle that person or situation effectively. For example, maybe you get extremely nervous in a job interview, or when talking to an intimidating boss. Maybe you find yourself getting terribly upset about an impending deadline at work, or a major decision in your life, or about your child's behavior lately. If you do, then someone or something is pushing your buttons.

Second, if you get overly angry (or defensive, irritated, furious, outraged, argumentative, ticked off, frustrated) you will also likely blow it. Maybe you have felt really defensive when your spouse has criticized your work, your cooking, your parenting, or your lovemaking. Maybe you blow up when your teenager defies or disrespects you, or your colleagues at work are incompetent or uncooperative.

Here's an example of a fellow who let his buttons get pushed on a plane going from San Francisco to Los Angeles. This incident occurred just as the laws changed to prohibit smoking on most flights. As I (A.L.) and others boarded the plane, the ticket agent announced that ours would be a totally smoke-free flight. The passenger who was seated next to me did not hear the announcement by the agent and when it was reannounced on the plane, he was really ticked off.

First he tried to get me to agree to his smoking anyway (which I did not do); then he went on for several minutes about how it was illegal for the airline to prohibit smoking. He thrashed and wriggled in his seat for several minutes, coughing and sighing. He then pronounced, "this restriction is going to piss off a lot of people" — and proceeded to light up.

The flight attendant immediately came up to him and very politely said, "Sir, this has been designated a nonsmoking flight." He asked, "By whom?" Startled, she replied, "Pardon me?" He repeated — "I said by whom?" She said, "The captain." He shot back with, "Well, tell the captain he's a pain in the ass." She asked, "What should I tell him?" He then said (as he put his cigarette out angrily), "Tell him he's got no business doing that, and he's a real pain in the ass!" She said, "OK." He then threatened to go into a lavatory (where no smoking is allowed) and have a cigarette. The flight attendant pointed out that this, too, was against the law. He growled and used more foul language — and the flight attendant excused herself.

Interestingly, a little later another passenger nicely asked the same flight attendant about the smoking ban, expressed concern over it, and calmly disagreed with the decision. The flight attendant was understanding yet firm, and the passenger was polite. The flight attendant then offered the passenger a free drink for the inconvenience. What a difference between the way the two smokers handled the situation! The first passenger was awfulizing, shoulding, and rationalizing (mostly shoulding). The second passenger was thinking in terms of strong preferences, but did not overreact. Neither person got to smoke — but one made himself miserable, and the other got a free drink. I was also really impressed with how the flight attendant did not let either person get to her. In that job you get lots of practice in not letting people push your buttons!

There are millions of potential button-pushers all around us. Our "mission," if we choose to accept it, is to disconnect our button at will. Then they can't get to us unless we let them. We don't have to run away and hide from the button-pushers, or play "sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me" mind games. We can deal with the button-pushers directly and appropriately, without losing our composure. If you get yourself excessively depressed or burned out (bummed out, don't give a damn, ignoring, uncaring, down in the dumps), you will not be as effective, and you will likely be...