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first-time dad

Moody Publishers

Contents

Chapter 1: Great Expectations..................................9Chapter 2: What Fatherhood Is All About........................21Chapter 3: Time and Priorities.................................31Chapter 4: Break the Chain.....................................45Chapter 5: How a Baby Affects Your Family......................59Chapter 6: Loving Your Wife....................................69Chapter 7: Loving Your Baby's Mother...........................79Chapter 8: Boys-n-Girls........................................89Chapter 9: Helping Your Child Succeed..........................105Chapter 10: The Keys to Your Child's Heart.....................119Chapter 11: Spiritual Formation................................135Chapter 12: Blink..............................................149Addendum.......................................................158Notes..........................................................165Acknowledgments................................................167

Chapter One

I am giddy; expectation whirls me round. —William Shakespeare

FROM THE MOMENT you learned about the pregnancy (or that you were going to adopt), you've been anticipating that little one. This chapter will help you deal with your fears and expectations about your coming years as a dad—and offer practical suggestions for managing the many changes headed your way.

On a recent Saturday morning, I found myself facing a tedious chore. After too many years, it was time to weed out the files in our home office. I'm not sure what I expected to find, but in a matter of minutes, I found myself awash in wonderful memories.

My wife, Dena, had saved physician records going back twenty years, and am I glad she did. The documents tracked our struggle to become parents and recorded her numerous visits, early in our marriage, with the obstetrician-gynecologist. We were anxious to have kids, but conception eluded us time and again.

Our season of infertility spanned nearly two years. That's relatively brief compared to the anguish many couples face when trying to conceive, but it was still a painful season for us. At the time, it consumed us. But now, two decades and six children later, I realized how the years had softened the memories of that emotional time. I had forgotten the difficulties and disappointments, the months of tears and sorrow as we faced another door closing on our hopes to become parents.

My mind wandered back as I read the doctor's notes, and I smiled as I remembered that day when, after years of waiting, we finally had a positive pregnancy test! It was almost unbelievable. Really? Yes, the test is positive! What joy—we were (finally!) going to be parents!

Now What?

As the news began to sink in, our heads began to swirl. We knew we were headed for changes. Big changes! But we didn't know what those changes might be—or how we would weather them. We knew just enough to know that you don't know what you don't know.

On the positive side, we were confident we had a strong marriage and that this next stage of life—parenting—was something we were ready to experience. Despite our many questions, we expected it would be a pretty easy progression—a transition we believed we were prepared to handle and succeed at.

Those expectations would soon meet reality.

For the next six or seven months, much of what we did together and talked about was centered on the "Little Fuller" we'd be welcoming into the world. We were excited! All was right with our world—or at least there was nothing wrong that our new child couldn't make right.

Little did we know that in only a few months we'd be stretched so tight and worn so thin we'd feel as if we would break. I could never have imagined we'd be arguing over the baby—and all kinds of things that now seem silly. I couldn't know how little sleep I'd learn to operate on. There was no way to prepare for the doubts and insecurities I would feel as a new dad. But fatigue, as Abraham Lincoln said, makes cowards of men.

But wait! We were in love. We got along famously! How could a baby pull us apart? And parenting—it can't be that hard; what's there to know? The answers to those questions are the inspiration for this book. It's never easy being a father—it's even more difficult being a first-time father. And keeping your marriage strong while you learn, on the job, takes a lot of effort.

Looking back over those old medical records, I came to a stark realization. Although I didn't know it at the time, I was sitting on a fault line, oblivious to the seismic changes coming our way.

Immediate Adjustments

Some of the changes we made prior to our child's birth seemed insignificant. Our conversations changed from "the two of us" to "the three of us." We started thinking about the car—it was a small hatchback—and wondered where we'd put the car seat and the stroller. We started thinking about the house and yard. The baby's room would need some paint and preparation, and the backyard wasn't adequately fenced—would we be comfortable letting the baby play back there?

Clearly "the baby" would need a lot of stuff. A bassinet, clothing, a stroller, car seat, diapers, etc. We had a lot of shopping to do. We reveled in discussing the "best" things to get and enjoyed visiting stores trying to find great deals. Of course, new things meant we had to rearrange our house to make room. The spare bedroom in our modest house became the nursery. Painting and cleaning together, we prepared to become first-time parents.

Thoughts about what life would be like with "Junior" occupied our minds and our conversations. What would he or she (we didn't know the baby's gender) be like? What name would we choose? Would she have Dena's brunette hair or my blond locks? What would we have to do to meet his needs? How would we help her to be happy and to eventually grow into the adult God intended? We sifted through a variety of expectations about children and about being parents.

We started reading pregnancy books that showed the baby's growth and the ongoing effects on Mom's body. We took "husband-coached childbirth" classes so we could welcome this baby into the world in the best manner possible. We checked out baby name books and parenting books from the library. We listened to radio programs like Focus on the Family to learn about parenthood concerns. We talked and spent time with experienced parents. We tried our best to prepare for the new responsibility we'd undertake in a few months. We knew there was a lot we didn't know, so we endeavored to learn as much as possible.

Ready! Ready!

If you visit the Amtrak level of New York City's Penn Station, you'll notice a large schedule board that hangs from the ceiling. At rush hour, crowds gather there, sometimes several people deep, to await their train's track assignment. People are eager to make a beeline for the train to get a good seat. Just prior to the boarding...