LOVE LANGUAGE #1: WORDS

Gemma didn't say much. She didn't have to. Her actions spoke for themselves. When she took the field, she worked harder than anyone else. Which was shocking, because she was the best player.

But when Gemma spoke, everyone listened. The whole team respected her. Meghan said, "I remember one game when I was struggling, so distracted by this fight I'd had with my friend and this massive history project I had due the next day. I wasn't playing well. At half-time Gemma pulled me off to the side and quietly said, 'You're better than this, Meghan. I know you can beat your player.' Just the way she said it, so confident in me, it made me believe in myself. So I stepped up and played solidly the rest of the game."

Gemma's words had that effect. The team made it to the state finals that year. Gemma was only a sophomore then, but she told the team, "We're faster and smarter. We can beat this team." And they did.

Maybe if she'd been one of those players who talks constantly or blames others for every little error, the other players would have tuned her out. Instead they listened. They took her words to heart.

We're alt native speakers of one language: selfishness. From the time we were little kids, we saw ourselves as the center of the universe. It comes so naturally to us to think and talk about ourselves incessantly.

But in order to grow in our relationships, we have to learn a new language: Words of Affirmation. We have to speak life-giving words, positive words, true and confident words that build others up. Many of the people in our lives crave words, and it's up to us to learn how to speakthem.

"The tongue has the power of life and death," a wise man once said. Bold claim, right? But think of how you've experienced that to be true in your own life.

Can you recall a time when someone said something really hurtful to you — personal, mocking, or cutting words — that made you feel small and doubt yourself? Sadly, we often remember those words our whole lives.

In contrast, can you also recall a time when someone said something really kind and memorable to you — something personal and encouraging from someone who saw potential in you, maybe potential you didn't even know you had?

Then you know the life-and-death power of words. The right words spoken at the right time by the right person can inspire you to do and be more. It's this potential for good that makes Words such a powerful love language.

My goal for you is that you will learn to both receive and give love in all five love languages. It seems fair to assume that anyone who takes the time to read this book wants to become a better person and have deeper relationships. Learning the five love languages will help you do both.

The good news is that all these languages can be learned. For some people, Words is their primary love language (especially if they grew up with a really verbal parent), but all of us need to be able to speak it, and all of us enjoy hearing positive words. So how can we best develop this language?

LISTENING AND RECEIVING

We'll spend more of the chapter focusing on how to give Words of Affirmation, but a quick note before we do.

You have to know how to receive Words of Affirmation too.

When someone you know, respect, and love says something specific to you about you, listen closely.

• When a teacher affirms, "Of course I marked things for you to work on, but I'm so impressed by the level of original thought in your writing."

• When a coach says, "Our entire team relies on your determination. Your will to win sets the tone for the whole game."

• When a mentor says, "I'm seeing so much growth in you. Last fall you were struggling with ______, but you've conquered that and are in a completely different place now."

• When a parent says, "I really enjoy hanging out with you. You're an interesting conversationalist."

• When a friend says, "I knew I could call you. I knew you'd be there for me."

Rather than blowing off those Words of Affirmation with a self-deprecating comment or some sarcasm to deflect the attention away from you, accept the words. Soak them in. Listen for the specific feedback you're receiving, and accept the love you're being given.

THINKING AND GIVING

Think about the power of your words. For people whose primary love language is Words, compliments and encouragement aren't just empty gestures or polite conversation techniques. They're soul food.

People don't just hear this:

• "Well done!"

• "You look really good."

• "Wow, I'm impressed with you."

They also hear what you mean behind those words:

• "You have value."

• "I love you."

• "You're important to me."

The real power of words lies in their ability to fill people's love tanks. Through specific, intentional things you say, you can fill people up.

How do you feel about that kind of power? That might depend on your own primary love language. For some people, it feels awkward at first to say Words of Affirmation. For others, especially those who grew up in really verbal homes, it might feel more natural. But not only can you learn this language, you can also become fluent in it.

WARNING: SKIP THE FLATTERY

Flattery is not a dialect of the Words love language; flattery is the language of manipulation. Flatterers have an agenda. Ultimately they want to get something from the person they're flattering. Flattery lacks one key ingredient: sincerity. You can tell when someone's faking — it's so obvious. Right after the fake compliment comes the request, like this: "Mom, you're the best mom ever! Can I go over to my friend's house tonight?" (Cue the eye rolls.) Twisting Words of Affirmation to get something is wrong, and it wrecks trust. The person being flattered realizes you aren't being honest with your words and becomes suspicious of you. That person starts to wonder, Can I even trust what this person says? Most people don't like to be friends with flatterers.

Unlike shallow flattery, Words of Affirmation run deep. They're rooted in intimate knowledge of the person you're affirming. While flattery makes people feel suspicious or defensive, sincere words make people feel safe and known.

DIALECTS

Back to positive words. Words of Affirmation is one of the five basic love languages. Within that one language are several different dialects. (Think of London, Sydney, Dallas, Boston, Charleston — people in these places all speak English, but they don't sound...